I think my Mum doesn’t want to come to my wedding

[ThatTwinklyPearlSloth]

DP recently proposed and I was so incredibly happy 💍 the proposal was beautiful and so much more than I expected. I can’t wait to be married and for our future together.

We’ve agreed that we really want a small wedding. Our initial idea is a small ceremony and reception at our local town hall with around 40 guests. However, we have previously discussed the possibility of going abroad and doing it just the two of us.

I had a phone call with DM earlier and she seemed to be consistently trying to persuade me to go abroad to do it. She said she’d “always assumed” that’s what we’d do and she can really see the appeal of doing that. She said she thought all the planning and hassle of a wedding is stressful, you need time to do it which she says I don’t. She also said that my DSis’ recent promotion at work was “the happiest news we’ve had all year… oh, erm, apart from yours” which really hurt.

The truth is that I was quite excited about the prospect of a town hall wedding with our friends and family. Now feel like my bubble has been completely burst. I know a wedding should be about what you want and not other people but to feel that your own mother doesn’t want to attend… what the point?

Both my DM and DF are very introverted people, as am I. So maybe the prospect of having to socialise is daunting.

I was thinking of just having DSis as my bridesmaid but she really struggles from crippling social anxiety. I hope she’d enjoy it but I worry she’d be internally dreading it and feel obligated to do it. Should I ask? Or just avoid putting her through something she may find stressful?

What would you do? Should we just sod the whole thing off and go abroad or plough ahead with the town hall idea?

What I would do, is wait a bit. If your family is inclined to anxiety, your mum is seeing all the problems. She’s hear about bridezillas, about huge expenses, family fallouts, and she’s afraid.

Give it time to settle. Run a few ideas that you fancy, and see what happens over time.

Do what you and your fiance want sod everyone else My one regret is trying to please my mother and my step kids rather than husband and I

Have the wedding you want. You don't need a bridesmaid. Your parents and sister needs not be involved in the arrangements and if your father is worried about giving a speech, just ask him to make a toast to you and your husband, if he wants.
You don't need to stress them out, or yourselves either.

Thank you. I needed to read this🤣 I think you’re right. She needs time!

Could it be about money? As you two going abroad is much cheaper than small town hall wedding of 40. Or she feels that in latter situation she will need clothes, gift etc so more expensive for her personally.

I think you’re definitely onto something there. She has told me that her and DF can’t afford to contribute which I completely understand and already knew (I would never ask!) Maybe she has been feeling some sort of pressure☹️

Many congrats op !!

I think say nothing to your parents or sister

sit on the news for a while and think about what YOU want. Even though your mother is your mother it doesn’t mean she is putting you first. She shouldn’t have said your sisters news was the best news. IMO marriage is a much more important lifelong commitment than moving one step up in a job. Delighted for you.

Your wedding can be whatever you want it to be. I'd let it sit and then consider what the absolutes are for both you and your fiance -- and then talk to your family and see if you can include what might make them more comfortable. eg If there's anxiety or cost pressures that might prevent certain people attending, can you mitigate them with a very small, local or casual wedding?

Just ask your sister what she's comfortable with. My sister knew I didn't want to be a bridesmaid so just had me get ready with them and do a reading but not the rest of it (chosen dresses, standing at the front). My wedding was smart casual dress with no bridal party. You've got lots of options.

Have the wedding you want.

You don't need a bridesmaid or best man. You will need witnesses for a registry office wedding and they don't have to do anything other than sign their name. So you could ask your Dsis and one of your fiance's siblings. DP and I had our sisters as ours. No speeches, no wedding cake, no music. Just the absolute basic ceremony, all we said was 'I will', signed on the dotted line and round to a restaurant for lunch. Lovely day.

I think I probably need some time to reconsider and think what we want to do. I liked the idea of a celebration with family and friends. I’m just really worried that I won’t enjoy the day at all if I know my family are all anxious and uncomfortable about being there, in which case maybe it’s better just to do it the two of us. I know they’re happy for us, I just wish there was a little more enthusiasm or excitement about the wedding.

If they are going to make it about them then I wold just have the two of you and then you could have a party celebration with your friends

it also very much depends on family traditions if it makes sense. DH’s mum contributed significantly in his older siblings weddings so she was upset not to do the same with ours ( but in reality she couldn’t as financially everything changed for her) So she was really keen for us to do a wedding in her place which would be much cheaper (which we didn’t want). I was quite upset when it was suggested until DH explained me where the idea came from.

Congratulations!
Speaking as a socially anxious person- I was thrilled that my sibling got married during covid and I didn't have to be there. They had parents as witnesses and We went out for a pub meal together after, all very low key.
I was mentally prepared to have to go to a wedding, but would have hated all of it.

I think if they are social anxious and you don't want to have to worry that they have been pushed into anything then I wouldn't aim to have them 'in' the wedding in any was as bridesmaids or whatever, that is a lot of pressure being to focus of attention. Just have them as guests. Or at least talk to them before and give the option ' we are planning the wedding, would you like to be 'in it or would you prefer to come as guests?' .

Both my DM and DF are very introverted people, as am I. So maybe the prospect of having to socialise is daunting. I was thinking of just having DSis as my bridesmaid but she really struggles from crippling social anxiety.

As often happens, the answer is in the question.

OP, it's your day but your happiness will be tempered by the happiness/comfort of those you love. You'll find a compromise ;)

@Onlyvisiting i get the social anxiety thing.
However I dint think the OP should plan her wedding according to her famiky. It should be planned around her and her fiancé. What they want.

The taking into account their anxiety should come in telling g the. They dint have to do speeches or be bridesmaid etc…. Aka accommodations.
It shouldn’t become the centre of the whole organisation.

And whilst it was tactless to call your dsis news the best, I wouldn't be offended that she isn't particularly excited. Whilst I am mildly pleased for anyone who has a relationship they are happy in, I generally find other people's relationships about as interesting as their cars or houses. I have to remember to take a polite interest but its not something that I can get excited about.
Especially these days when most couples are together for a while and have effectively been living as a married couple for ages anyway, it can make the wedding part seem a bit redundant to anyone not involved.
I'd be more excited for you and interested if you had moved out for the first time from your parents house, or when you moved in together as a couple, those feel like significant milestones and dramatically change your day to day life.

Maybe she thinks she’s ‘giving you permission’ to go, lots of people would feel guilty getting married without their mum
and lots of mums would be upset. Maybe she thinks you would prefer to go away but are scared you wouldn’t have her support.

or maybe she’s projecting, and imagining if she had to spend loads of money, plan loads and get married in front of 40 people

There is a bit of expectation around the traditional wedding in terms of mother of the bride, what is she wearing, is it a fancy hat etc. if your mum doesn't like being the centre of attention this might be worrying her, especially if she's not one for formal dress.

Similarly your dad would traditionally be expected to make a speech and might be worried and therefore she's worried.

I think the first post was spot on. Give her a bit of time but also let her know if you don't expect any of those things.

You might have in your mind a late afternoon ceremony and a nice informal meal at pub or restaurant.

She might be envisioning a sit down four course wedding breakfast.

I also wouldn't take the promotion reference personally. She might see it as a massive achievement for your sister and something she wasn't sure she would get. Whereas if you and your partner have already been together a long time a live together and he's already seen as part of the family the engagement is just seen as a natural next step and not unexpected.

The two of you should decide together what you want, then plan it, then tell people. Don't consult with others, no good will come of asking their opinions!
And don't worry too much if you think some people won't like what you've arranged. The purpose of your wedding is not to give all your family and friends what they want.

I think worrying about the cost might be part of it. It's perfectly feasible to do a town hall wedding with reception for a very small budget, you can explain to them that they don't need new outfits (or you could treat her to a new dress as a birthday present) say no gifts and choose a venue where you are covering most of the costs. We had a lovely wedding and it came in under £5k without skimping at all (£680 was the bar bill which we covered)

Tbf I think you have a point. DM doesn’t see the “point” in huge, fancy weddings when you’ve been living together anyway. But that’s completely the opposite of what we want anyway🤣 I think she may be worried that we want an all-singing, all-dancing type thing.

I’m feeling better after reading the replies. Yes, I’ve never seen her wear a dress or a pair of heels. She hates formal dress and likes to be comfy. A big hat would be her idea of hell. I think over time I can start to explain to her that there really really is no expectation for her to be/act a certain way that’s not her.

I think my initial response to her saying go abroad was thinking that she just doesn’t want to come which was why I was so upset.

My mum was very lukewarm when I announced our engagement. She queried 'why we were bothering' which I found upsetting.
However a year later she was standing up making a speech at my wedding beaming with pride. Give your mum time - and plan the wedding you want

Have you thought about eloping to Gretna Green? It would save all the hassle of getting married abroad and the paperwork it involves.

I wonder if your mum thinks you think she would want a wedding nearby and is trying to not put you off going abroad thinking that that is what you really want? I would ask her her truthful opinion.