Is it okay to uninvite a friends boyfriend?

[Sweetdreams2]

Would it be acceptable to uninvite one of my friends boyfriend to my wedding? Basically, I have a good friend so originally invited herself and her boyfriend to our upcoming wedding however over the past few months it has become very apparent that her boyfriend is very controlling, emotionally abusive and has absolutely vile behaviour when he has had a drink. I really regret putting them both down on the invite but when I had put them both down his behaviour was not an ounce as bad as it is now and me and my partner really do not like him or the way he acts now. And for all this I really do not want him there on our wedding day, there is a whole lot more detail regarding his behaviour but don’t think I need to go into every single detail about the way he treat her, would it be bad of me to have a honest conversation with my friend about this and put simply say I don’t feel comfortable having him at our wedding and ask her to attend without him (she knows other people at this wedding and wouldn’t be alone or not know anyone else)

This isn’t about the wedding, if he is abusive and controlling you should be reporting him to the police. Coercive control is a crime.

if you disinvite him she likely won’t come, because there would be too much backlash from him if she did. This would cause a rift and make her even more isolated.

The police have been involved previously (by herself) and this was really recently but she didn’t want to push charges and he denied everything so nothing happened after that. It’s a really horrible situation and really hard as a friend as there’s not much any of us can do except to just be there for her!
That was one of my worries but is why I felt perhaps having a really open conversation with her about the whole situation would be best?

I've been on the receiving end of this and it just made him so much worse. Everything was about what I'd done and what I'd said about him, that I must be lying about him, that he'd tell everyone how bad I really am. That I couldn't go either, it was disrespectful to him, I wasn't to see that friend or any friend because they were trying to brainwash me. I needed to choose and my choice needed to be him.
You genuinely can't imagine how much worse it made my life. He'd check my phone to see if I'd spoken to her etc. Told me everything was my fault for being such an evil bitch.

I can fully sympathise with this, I had a very similar situation with my sister and her fiancé at our wedding a few years ago. I liked her fiancé on face value but I know how toxic their relationship is on both sides! Including loud unnecessary arguments over nothing. Especially when drink was involved. They broke up before the wedding so uninvited him, but they got back together I had no idea what to do, I mulled it over for weeks. When I looked at the big picture I felt it would put my sister in a horrible position and it would send a clear statement if he didn’t come. After a lot of thought I spoke with my sister and explained my concerns about inviting him as I thought they would argue and ruin the day, family also were worried about this. She promised this would not happen on our special day. I am really glad I had the chat and there was no issues at all and both were on their best behaviour. I recommend having a chat with your friend if you feel comfortable to do so. We also informed some of the groomsmen about potential issues and if there was, then they needed removing. Luckily no issues. I guess it may be different as this was family but it may work? Also to uninvite someone now would be awkward and could be seen as rude and may alienate your friend, which I am sure you would want to avoid. Sending support as I know how hard this decision is!!

I feel for you, that's an extremely difficult situation. Completely get why you want to disinvite him, but he's going to act like a real twat about it. You will possibly find that your friend isn't "allowed" to go. Please keep supporting her.

I have also had a friend who had a very abusive boyfriend. I hated him and what he did to her but through extreme gritted teeth he would be invited out if we went in a group. Not because we wanted him to but we didn’t want to push our friend away. I thought at least I get to see her and check on her, and if her boyfriend thinks we are ok it’s one less thing for him to get upset about.

of course we advised her to leave and offered ways but ultimately she was trapped for a while. Eventually she broke up with him and had all of her friends surrounding her with support. It’s so tough seeing your friend move through this though so I can again sympathise

That sounds truly awful.
But did it it any way help to open your eyes to how controlling he was? Did it help you to end things?

I’m been in a similar position too and just like you it made things so much worse. More paranoia, more questions, more emotional blackmail and manipulation, more control.
I knew what he was, I just didn’t want to see it and I believed his bullshit. The friends who put pressure on me to leave just pushed me further away. The ones who supported, often from a distance are the only ones who I stayed close to.
OP if you uninvite him, be prepared that your friend won’t come either. Let her come and be a part of your day. You can ignore him but be there for her.

No I already knew how controlling he was and I was really scared of him, he was watching me on cameras in the house when he was out and tracking me on my phone and reading my itemised phone bill and bank statements. It just made me way more isolated and alone.

I feel like it is obviously wonderful to be supportive to a good friend and try to keep her and her partner in the group, plus not aggravate him.
But…. on your wedding day??? I think that is asking a bit much. I would not have anyone present who ran the risk of kicking off.

What I mean OP is that your friend needs you and by uninviting her boyfriend you will unintentionally push her away.

I am so sorry you had this.
Can you think of a way OP could handle this? It is unfair to ask her to have a vile drunken man at her wedding.
If your friend had spoken to you would there have been another way? I am picturing the friend claiming a horrible diarrhoea illness on the day so that neither of them can go (in a way that doesn’t trigger his paranoia??)

Oh i'd be afraid of making things worse for her tbh.

He'd probably not allow her to come at all if he's not invited or he'll make her life hell thinking she was cheating on him ect. Tricky situation to be in.

Problem with that is you’re expecting her to tell him and doesn’t that just put her in the firing line for more abuse?

I think you either have to be brave enough to tell him yourself or put up with it (which is where she is).