Feeling Rejected & Used

[Mummobile]

I’m sharing my story to hopefully get some perspective from those who might have experienced something similar.

I was asked by a friend of 15 years to be a bridesmaid, the wedding was this past spring. It was perfect, and it couldn’t have gone any better.

The bridal party was very small (4 of us) family members, and another one of her friends who was the maid of honor. From the start, I felt some tension (with MOH) when I noticed I was left out of a lot of the planning bits. In person, there was never any eye contact either, or interest in having a conversation with involving me etc… I ended up traveling separately from the others. We come from different friendship circles, so hadn’t met before - but it felt like instantly isolating and that she had an issue with me basically.

During the bachelorette party, I also overheard the maid of honor say something negative about me (she didn’t know I was there). I chose not to react in the moment and just focused on doing whatever was asked of me, and what the bride needed of me.

Since the wedding (7 months ago), I’ve noticed that my friend (the bride) has been very distant. Message conversations are very short and irregular (months between responses), and we’ve only met up once since the wedding for a brief hour, surrounded by other friends. So didn’t really talk then either.

I feel that since the wedding and Ive fulfilled what I’ve been asked of me - my friend is now avoiding me.

This shift has left me feeling confused and hurt - and to be honest - used. I can’t shake the feeling that the tensions that arose from her best friend might have influenced this change in our dynamic.

I’ve always had a tough time with rejection, and my instinct is to cut people off to protect myself from further hurt. It’s easy to jump to conclusions… and speculate that her other friend might have caused a rift that was never there before, but it also feels like my friend is buying into whatever perception she has over me.

Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? Or any advice.

Asking you to be a part of the wedding party (that presumably you wanted to do? i.e. it wasn't a burden on you?) isn't 'using' you. She didn't 'get' anything out of you, there's no requirement on number of bridesmaids.

However, if your friendship has changed, that's something to be addressed unless you're happy to lose it. Don't be passive, don't speculate and assume - talk to your friend.

I guess you're in the US?

Lack of eye contact might just be neurodiversity. I wouldn't put too much stock in this woman you've met briefly. Concentrate on your own relationship with your friend. How often did you contact each other before? Has the marriage brought a change in life circumstances? Could she be struggling to conceive?

Being left out of planning sounds like a bonus. I’ve been a bridesmaid 7 times and it can be a massive faff.

You felt hurt by some of the things in the run up to the wedding, it sounds like the bride did too and now the relationship has changed. I’m sorry you feel that way, perhaps your expectations and the bride’s were quite different. As you say, the wedding went well, that’s the main thing. Have you spoken to her about feeling things have shifted between you and asked why that is from her perspective? That seems the best course of action. You clearly were very close, talk to her before doing anything drastic like cutting her off without bringing it up.

Thank you for your response and for sharing your perspective. I appreciate you taking the time to weigh in on my internal thinkings.

I want to clarify that being asked to be a bridesmaid was an honor for me, and I was more than happy to support my friend in any way I could. I went above and beyond with anything that was asked of me. I haven’t questioned that at all.

I was the only bridesmaid who is already married and has children, so this might have also set me apart unintentionally in the group. I respect your viewpoint, but can’t help but feel that the distance I’ve experienced since the wedding is related to something more. The changes are noticeable, how she interacts with other friends compared to how she used to engage with me.

The neurodivergent viewpoint you made - The maid of honor has a career that involves working with people, she is a strong personality - I appreciate that your questioning my viewpoints, but the idea that her behavior might be due to neurodiversity doesn’t match with my experiences of being around her, or how she was with others. The unkind comments made about me was pretty telling with where she stood with me. I am a placid personality, and basically easy - when there is friction, I don’t respond and walk away.

I doubt my friend actually “used” me, but it doesn’t change the fact that this feeling of being “used” is a result of the shifts before and now after the wedding. I can’t shake the feeling that something has genuinely shifted in our relationship. It’s disheartening to feel this way after so many years of friendship. I’m still processing everything and trying to figure out - the why’s and what’s.

Wow , 7 times! A lot of planning is involved. I think it was more about how deliberate it felt against me, rather than anything else.

I haven’t spoken to her about anything. When we met briefly, I asked if she’d like to meet up later but was brushed off with a non-response type of response. Messages are also pretty dry. I can just see the friendship ending with lack of effort or distance from her part, and I’d be left not knowing why. But suspect there was something lingering from the MOH perspectives/agenda against me.

You may be right, you may be paranoid - its probably somewhere between the 2.
Question is what do you want to do about it? Friendships wain and if your friend is distant then its probably down to her rather than any "undue influence" from her MOH.
Even if it was its not much of a friendship if she can be persuaded to back away from you just on the word of another friend

Perhaps your friend is busy as its the first year of marriage spending time with her husband, family dinners, outings etc resulting in less free time and a changed dynamic with you?

You can't do anything about the MOH, so basically forget about her (I know how it feels when someone has slighted you, it's hard to forget, but it was her that did it not your friend... unless she responded in some way?)

I have been there when a friend basically pulled away for years. I just persevered gently but didn't pressure. Turned out she had had things going on that I hadn't realised and she'd sort of forgotten I didn't magically know about. Tbh it seems like we are growing in different directions but it's still great to keep a lower-level friendship.

I’ve been bridesmaid for someone after which the friendship fizzled out. It took some time to come to terms with it but in the end I can’t be the one to make all the effort and get not a lot back in a friendship

Did you ever find out why the friendship ended?