Not a bridesmaid drama

[Skyhu]

Hi all,

Opions and advice please 🙏🏼

I got engaged in July, and our wedding is booked for May.

When it came to choosing bridesmaids, I am very lucky to have lots of friends who I could have asked but decided to go with my 3 closest / oldest friends who are all from different friendship groups.

I was aware of the politics of choosing only one friend from a group and not the others, but wrongly assumed everyone would be understanding...

Choosing my bridesmaids is quite a recent thing, so I haven't really had the chance to tell anyone yet.

Last night a none bridesmaid friend threw miy and my partner a suprise engagement party with 2 of my bridesmaids presents. My friend hosting the party quickly learnt that she wouldn't be a bridesmaid and my other two friends would be and the change in her mood was as clear as day. She didn't say anything but the atmosphere was horrific. I just wanted to run away from it all.

This obviously isn't how I wanted her to find out, had I have know she was going to throw me a party I would have spoken to her in advance. But now I just don't know what to do...

I can call her and go down the slippery slope of explaining why I didn't choose her. (Honest answer: there's just other people I'm closer to!)

Or I can leave it and hope the whole thing blows over with time. She was so clearly upset though I don't know if I can just ignore it.

I'm now trying to think of ways to make her feel involved: asking her to do a reading, be a witness....

I'm both so upset that I have caused someone else to feel this way, but the more I think about it I'm starting to also feel frustrated that I've been put in this position. I've had friends who have not asked me to be a bridesmaid and whilst a bit sad I've totally respected that decision and would never dream of letting on that I'm offended. I now feel like I need to involve her with things I probably wouldn't have otherwise done in order to not lose a friend!

does she think of you as her closest friend? It’s unusual to throw an engagement party for someone else.

At the moment you feel bad for her and want to make her feel better. But if you didn’t have that impulse to smooth things over, would you still want her to have a big role in your wedding?

I would try to work out what your relationship really is, and take it from there. Resist the urge to involve her because you feel bad. But the friendship may not recover

Lots of people will probably say that your friend should understand, etc... but I can see the other side. Your friend feels close enough to you to throw you a surprise engagement party and to expect to be a bridesmaid. Your friend made a public gesture (the party) to demonstrate her affection for you, but your return gesture was to show her in no uncertain terms that the friendship is unequal and you don't feel as close to her as she does to you. Your friend found out publicly and quickly, which was probably somewhat humiliating. That's got to hurt and I think you need to respect that, even if it's also frustrating for you. I bet that if your friend had found out on her own/quietly, she probably would have been able to come to terms with it in her own time and put a brave(r) face on. Obviously, you couldn't have known that the surprise party was going to happen or that your friend would find out that way, but now that it has happened, I'd try to be understanding.

I now feel like I need to involve her with things I probably wouldn't have otherwise done in order to not lose a friend!

Honestly, I think you're right here... you need to make a choice between involving her or potentially losing her. You have the right to choose what you'd like to do, of course, but just bear in mind that all choices have consequences...

Thanks both for your replies. I think from my point of view, we're certainly good friends but I thought we both had friends who we were closer to than each other. So I have clearly misread the situation. I think I'm going to call her to apologise for at least the way that it all came out and explain that I would have spoken to her privately in advance if I'd have known about the party. I will ask her to do a reading at the ceremony. I hadn't really gotten to thinking about who would do this about before all of this happen but I think it would be nice for her to be involved in this way. Hopefully my apology and this gesture will be enough :(

I have been in this situation before with a friend. She labelled me as her best friend, she had a baby and I was so involved and her other friends disappeared, I hosted her a baby shower (because I loved her and she was my friend) got engaged and asked 7 people to be bridesmaid and not me. She said she wanted me to do a reading instead which I actually found a little insulting as I wasn’t good enough to be a bridesmaid but I could do a reading instead? I would be lying if I said I wasn’t very hurt especially when she then asked me to come to bridal events and open days etc. I was only 22 so I went - I wouldn’t now. She did eventually ask me to be her bridesmaid but I hadn’t told her how upset I had been originally, I maybe think she just felt bad that she hadn’t asked me.

Personally I would feel like the reading is just another way to make me not be as special as the bridesmaids. I think I'd talk to her but not offer something as a sympathy gesture - she will see right through it.

I only had one bridesmaid (my only female cousin) for this reason. It's too hard to pick 2 or 3 friends, and I would have had my cousin as well.
We both asked one close friend to do a reading. Both brothers were ushers, and the best man was DH oldest friend

She’s close enough to host an engagement party for you, which you accepted, but not close enough to be a bridesmaid? Ideally you would have been clear before she hosted but that part is gone now. I’d be making sure she knows how valued she is as a friend. She’ll probably reassess your friendship as she clearly thought it was different to what it is.

It was a surprise engagement party. Not sure how OP could not accept?

How do you not "accept" a surprise party?

Do you walk in to the surprise party and say "No thank you?"

Do you round up all your friends who aren't not going to be bridesmaids and tell them they're not, on the off chance they might be thinking of throwing you a surprise party?

So she hosted a surprise party at which you announced the bridesmaids? Sorry OP, I know that wasn't intended and you were put on the spot but that was a bit tactless. It could have waited.

You don't want to rub it in and say the others are closer. Bear in mind she may also want to let her response go unnoticed if she feels embarrassed.so it could be quite easily managed with a bit of luck. '@the FFS sorry can't delete the stupid tag or bold!!

Could you call round with flowers, thank her profusely for the party and ask if she would provide a reading. If she asks, maybe say you have the budget for three and had already made the difficult decision but she is definitely one of your closest and most valued friends.

I wouldn't get into comparisons as that could get back to the others and be taken out of context. 'Maureen' said I was only picked because we'd known each other the longest. But what about when I...'

I would suggest keeping hen celebrations reasonably simple, that's not to say lovely and fun, but if there is politicking about who is bridesmaid, focus on having fun together not elaborate celebrations and spending loads of money. such expectations may compound issues. I think people will understand just fine. I'd just keep it celebratory and inclusive regardless of roles

Oh gosh this is horrible for both of you!

Ah misread. Shouldn’t be on mn while on a dull teams training course.

She probably feels that the two of the bridesmaids who were at the party were keeping it a secret from her. She couldn't think quickly enough on the night to get over her embarrassment and humiliation (in her eyes). Just be straight, thank her for the amazing party and apologise if she felt awkward.

Is she the sort of person who would enjoy doing a reading? I'd personally absolutely hate it. You haven't done anything wrong, you didn't know she was going to throw a party or that she expected to be a bridesmaid.

This is why it's best to choose relatives!

This fashion for lots of adult bridesmaids seems to cause so many problems

I get this from both sides - I've been on both sides. Its so hard to know who to chose that I only had 2 in the end (my best friend and SIL). I wanted one more but it felt wrong to chose between about 4 other people.

My best friend then didn't chose me. It hurts when you aren't chosen but at the end of the day I was just happy for her. She has 6 bridesmaids and I didn't make the cut! I was a witness instead which I always say means more as you sign your name on the marriage certificate for everyone to see. 10 years later, she openly admits now she made a mistake not having me as a bridesmaid as well. I did a lot more in the run up and on the wedding day than her bridesmaids. I tied 100 chair bows because the bridesmaid where too concerned about how they looked. I also supported her alot more when the marriage ended. She doesn't speak to some of her bridesmaids now.

Unfortunately my bridesmaids announced themselves. I would have much preferred they didn't, so that I could have taken the time to speak to my friend in a way which I hadn't taken the time do think about :(

Totally agree. Unfortunately I have no siblings / cousins / aunts any one really to ask

Ah sorry, I misread then. Not your fault at all in that case.

I'd take flowers, maybe wine and thank her for the party and ask her to do the reading or something to smooth things over, just as it was quite public. I think it'll be fine xx

None of this is your fault. It's a series of unfortunate events but you haven't done anything wrong and you should not feel guilty. Three adult bridesmaids is a lot, or at least it's plenty!

I don't know why you chose who you did. It was bound to cause issues in all your friendship groups

I second this. Don’t focus on why you chose who you chose, just check in and ask if she’s ok, give her an opportunity to say why she’s upset. Get her involved in other ways. Done. X

Thanks everyone,

I've been reflecting on this a lot over the past week.

Whilst I do consider this person to be a good friend, I only ever hang out with her in group settings. We have never done anything just me and her, and she isn't someone I would go to for a deep chat.

The engagement party was a beautiful and thoughtful surprise, but if I were to have a fourth bridesmaid, in all honestly, there are other people I am closer to and would choose.

I really don't like that weddings make you rank people like this. None of this means I don't see this person as a good friend, just not one of my closest.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've had to really think about all of this, to confirm my decision not to ask her to be a bridesmaid in the first place. I found myself feeling so guilty for not initially asking her and felt I'd made a huge mistake. But actually, it was just a string of unfortunate events and I shouldn't feel that I have to ask her to be part of my wedding if I wasn't planning to originally.

I really didn't expect who I chose to be my bridesmaids to come as a shock or surprise to anyone. I am really upset that everything has happened the way it has, but I honestly could never have anticipated any of it. I'm not someone who has drama/gossip/friend politics in my life and really just thought all my friends would be supportive of me.

I've sent a thank you card to this friend (thank you to all those who advised this), and I do hope that with time she will come around. If not, I will be sad, but I want friends who can be happy for me, as others are able to be :/

thanks everyone!

Very measured reaction, well done OP xx

I would also talk with your bridesmaids and be honest with them. Let them know that you know that they are excited about being a part of your big day. It put you in a bit of a pickle when the person who was so kind to host this wonderful engagement party was not at the wedding, and you didn't get the opportunity to let her know she wasn't in the party. Her feelings got hurt because of the whole situation. From her perspective, it could have been seen as the bridesmaids rubbing it in that they were bridesmaids, and she wasn't (which I don’t think they meant to come off that way), but emotions are high; things do come off in certain ways.

I would also have each of the bridesmaids send a thank-you note for putting on such a wonderful engagement party for you (since that is technically their duty!) To show their appreciation for what she did for you.

Maybe the friends you didn't ask they could be your something blue?

• A something blue crew is a group of friends or family that are not bridesmaids or groomsmen but are still part of the larger group of people that support a couple on their wedding day. Often, they're asked to wear blue attire or a blue accessory that indicates they're part of this group.

I would prefer this over a reading and then you can get a picture with your “blue crew”