Not engaged, desperate to try on dresses

[notthebride]

NC because... well it's embarrassing.

Recently found out my breast implants have ruptured. Long story short I'll be getting them removed.

I'm not engaged, and not close to being. My partner of 8 years knows I would like to get married, not fussed about a wedding as such but I'd like a ceremony where I could wear a dress and get officially married so I have the same name as my daughter. If I ever bring up getting engaged he turns it into a joke and just says he will ask when he's ready. I did ask him on the leap year but he said no he wanted to ask me.

The realisation has hit me that if I ever do get married, it will likely be years from now, when I will have likely had another baby (which my weight fluctuates hugely) and now with no boobs.

Is there anywhere I could try on a wedding dress (without being dishonest at all, I couldn't pretend I just don't have it in me!) before my body changes entirely and while I'm still fairly young just so I could see what I look like?

Seems like a very vain thing to wish for I realise, but I just envisioned things being a little different I guess and I don't want to miss the opportunity to feel nice in a wedding dress.

What a bizarre situation. Why does your DD have his surname when you aren't married? Why are you waiting years for a man to agree to marry you? Why are you considering having another baby before marriage if marriage is important to you? The idea of trying on a wedding dress now is just so sad and indicative of a really dysfunctional situation.

It's not ideal that he won't have a proper conversation with you about something that's so important to you. I'm sorry, I don't know what the solution is... but you sound a bit passive saying you'll probably have another child by the time he's willing to get married, and with his name too presumably. You don't have to go along with what he wants. You matter too

It doesn’t sound at all vain, it sounds deeply sad that you have no power over your own life. Is your relationship orherwise happy?

Every other aspect of our relationship is great, so really don't want to paint DP to be some horrible guy who has wronged me, he just has a different view of the situation than I do, and while he does want to get married eventually it isn't a priority for him now. I don't really want to cajole him into proposing because then it all feels very insincere.

I could try and explain my reasoning but to me it does all feel very vain and again, I don't want to guilt him into proposing. If he does it I'd like it to be his choice.

DD has his name because there was never really a question of if we'd get married more when. Also DP's late mother was incredible and I'm glad she knew her Grandchild had her name.

But there is a question of ‘if’. If there weren’t you wouldn’t be posting wistfully about it. And if it’s ‘when’ rather than ‘if’, why does he get to dictate the timetable? I didn’t want to get married, ever, but DH really wanted to, so I eventually agreed.

Why is he in control of when/if you get married? It’s a joint adult decision, talk to him.

If you want to try wedding dresses on just book a bridal shop appointment and do it, since being engaged is purely a decision two adults make you’re not asked to ‘prove’ it as such, how could you? If they ask about a ring just say it’s getting resized or you’re spending your budget on the dress instead.

If he's that great he will marry you before having any more children. If he wants more, then he will marry you.

I tried on wedding dresses when I was younger, I was engaged but I had no intention of buying one (£500 + on a dress wasn’t something I could afford. I had a £200 all in registry office wedding and a drink in our local) so I get where you’re coming from.
However, you asked him to marry you and he said no, I would gently suggest he doesn’t want to be married and is playing for time.
Also, and not just aimed at you, babies should have their mother’s surname. We only think they should have their father’s because traditional most mothers were married and married women took their husband’s name. Even hundreds of years ago children of unmarried mothers were given mum’s surname.

If you want to try on a wedding dress, just do it! If they're busy, maybe look for a quiet time, as you won't be buying.

So you've discussed marriage, suggested by you, and he's said no? That's you proposing and him refusing.

Or he's said he wants to, but not now? Which is him accepting, and you're now engaged.

If you want the traditional proposal and engagement ring and bride on her wedding day experience, you need a different guy. This one doesn't really want to.

Change your daughter's name back to yours! Why on earth would you prioritise your deceased MIL's feelings about your child having her name over your own upset about it?

(ps. did you post recently about not getting married, rationale was waiting for DD to be old enough to be a flowergirl? If so, answers will be the same.)

I could try and explain my reasoning but to me it does all feel very vain

Op, getting married is not just about wearing a dress. It's about getting legal protection and tax benefits and lots of other useful things. It's proven that children whose parents are married tend to have better outcomes in life, through both direct and indirect reasons.

I don't understand how you sitting your partner down, and explaining why you want to get married, would come across as vain.

Separately if you just want to wear a nice dress, you can do that any time. I have reworn my (fairly low-key but very nice, long ivory) wedding dress at least three times to different events. So go ahead and get one and wear it. It's too small for me now so I've bought a similar one in a bigger size and I'll wear that on our next dinner date (whenever we can get babysitting!)

Get married for the right reasons, not the dress.

This thread is so sad. 😔

To answer your actual question, OP, wedding dress shops let you try on dresses because they are hoping to sell you one. If you go to such a shop and tell them that you are not getting married, you just want to try on dresses, they will quite rightly be annoyed with you for wasting their time. That doesn't mean you can't go and try on dresses, you don't have to provide any proof that you are actually getting married, but I would at least have a story prepared so you can say you're getting married on 15th June next year in Yorkshire or wherever. In short, yes, if you want to do this, you will need to be prepared to pretend you are getting married.

The bigger issue, however, is that your partner refuses to marry you. He's keeping you hanging on, said no when you asked him to marry you because he wants to do the asking, and yet refuses to ask you. That's horrible. He's not actually a nice guy. If he were, he would understand how important this is to you and have a grown up conversation in which he either comes clean and says he doesn't want to marry you at all (and takes the risk that you decide to walk away from the relationship as a result), or actually agrees to commit to you.

You're not Sam Faires are you?

The lesson here is, it appears he just doesn't want to marry you.

I think it would be odd to try on dresses, just odd.

I think you can do walk-ins at wed2b, I don’t remember making an appontment, there are a few stores up and down the country (UK). I got pregnant shortly after getting engaged and we didn’t intend on marrying for 2yrs+ until after baby. But I wanted to be able to at least try some on and see myself in a dress before my figure changed too much, so I get that trying on feeling. You could try wedding fairs too.

After 8 years if he wanted to get married he would have asked/not turned you down when you asked.
How about going to a nice department store like selfridges and trying on some lovely evening dresses - would that give you the same feeling?

Leaving aside the valid issues that PPs have raised, I'm sure there was an episode of woman's hour recently where they talked to the owner of a wedding dress shop who did this every couple of months - opened the shop for people who weren't planning on buying anything but who, for whatever reason, wanted to try on wedding dresses. Google might help you find the episode.

Leaving aside the many many things to unpick here - go to Wed2be.

The dresses are lovely and all off the rack, you just try on like you would in a normal shop.

I think David's Bridal do walk in as well.

and while he does want to get married eventually it isn't a priority for him now. I don't really want to cajole him into proposing because then it all feels very insincere.

it’s not his priority, but does he give a shit as to what your priority? This to me is a typical behaviour that also leads to my separation even after being married. It really drives me insane when a man gets the final say on something just because it’s not his priority, there’s such a thing as compromise and one wouldn’t be having a second child with a man who has no desire or want to marry me “NOW”. Out of interest @notthebride what is his priority right now?

Just go to Wed2Be. But honestly I don't know how you can live like that. I really hope you're not a SAHM as you have zero financial protection if you split and he's the high / sole earner. The surname thing is an odd reason to want to marry, I am married and don't have same surname as my kids, it's really doesn't matter.