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Original poster

Budget dilemma

22 replies

AmIreallyThisAge · 16/07/2024 23:30

Been together 6 years, engaged a year and a half. Second time around for us both so we have some idea of what is important to us.

Dilemma

We've been saving (allowed a £5k budget to include paying for best man/bridesmaid to travel from Wales to Scotland, wedding reception etc) and we are about £3.5k so far.

We have the chance to go to USA next year for a conference related to my son's health (he's an adult with additional support needs) so to be able to do the conference and have a bit of holiday at the same time looks like we need to dedicate the wedding fund and put off getting married indefinitely.

In an ideal world, we would get married and honeymoon in the US but the conference is when it is.

If we do the conference/holiday effectively we are emptying the wedding fund and will have to start from scratch again to save.

I'm a carer for my son and only have a term time little job. My fiancé isn't working due to disability.

How do we balance things?

OP posts:
Whatevershallidowithmylife · 16/07/2024 23:36

Depends how much you want to get married really. I would have a nice simple registry office wedding, combine the honeymoon and the conference and have a party when you come back if you want one.

Gazelda · 16/07/2024 23:37

So your dilemma is essentially to decide which is more important to you - wedding or conference. You obviously can't have both (at least not in the foreseeable).

If the conference will benefit your DS's health, then that's probably the priority. If it's easy to get the seminar notes or transcripts, then perhaps you could do that instead?

If being married is important to you, then either continue saving or do a far lower cost ceremony.

To be honest, as you have a child with additional needs and only a PT wage coming in, I wouldn't be allocating £5k to a wedding. A registry office, high street frock and a nice meal could be done for £1-£1.5k.

RampantIvy · 16/07/2024 23:41

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 16/07/2024 23:36

Depends how much you want to get married really. I would have a nice simple registry office wedding, combine the honeymoon and the conference and have a party when you come back if you want one.

My thoughts as well.

TwoBlueFish · 16/07/2024 23:42

If it’s 2nd time around for both of you then why do you need to spend £5k. Midweek registry office with a small number of close friends/family then honeymoon at the conference.

coodawoodashooda · 16/07/2024 23:43

Choose your son.

Original poster
AmIreallyThisAge · 17/07/2024 08:40

Thing is. Being married in church is really important to me.

As we have relatives and friends who will need to travel and pay for accommodation we kind of feel we need to have some kind of substantial meal at a reception for them.

The urge to not get married at all is looming large.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 17/07/2024 08:44

Do you regularly attend church? You can get married in the church but cut down the guest list so it's no frills like the registry office option. I wouldn't put off getting married but I wouldn't spend £5k on it.

BleachedJumper · 17/07/2024 08:52

honestly, you can do a church wedding for less than £1/1.5k.

you could also feed about 20 people on that as well.

ThistleWitch · 17/07/2024 08:57

Do you want a party or something to improve your sons health.

You dont need to spend a lot on a wedding.
You can also say to people we are not able to afford a big sit down meal, so if you can attend, please dont bring any presents, and join us at a restuarant but pay for your own meal.
OR you do a buffet, and do it yourself or with friends helping.

I guess - why do you want to get married?

PickledPurplePickle · 17/07/2024 08:58

The conference sounds really important so I would do that

How long have you been together?

Harassedevictee · 17/07/2024 09:02

@AmIreallyThisAge other than having two witnesses there is no minimum number of guests for a church wedding. I know a wedding that had 10 people including bride and groom. It was lovely.

I know we are sold the big wedding dream but as a person of faith the important thing is to be married in the eyes of god.

You could do a blessing and a party at a later date.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 17/07/2024 09:07

Why do you need to pay for the best man and bridesmaid's travel? This is not a usual thing to do.

You could get married in church and then have a low cost buffet in the church hall and BYOB. Or get married in church with 20 guests and a meal in a restaurant afterwards - doesn't have to be an expensive one.

FoFanta · 17/07/2024 09:08

We had a tiny church wedding - did it on. Saturday afternoon around 3pm, just immediate family (so 13 of us all together) and went to a nice restaurant for dinner afterwards. My husband wore a suit he already had and I spent £150 on a cream lace knee length dress. Bought our flowers in M&S that morning and made a lovely bouquet and buttonholes for everyone. It was a really lovely personal occasion. Being married was more important to us than a wedding, and we would have never been comfortable spending a lump of money on a day.

philosoppee · 17/07/2024 09:13

Second time round is so different OP and you will naturally have different priorities and preferences from the first time. Don't feel guilty about this - in no way should you feel obliged to pay for others' travel and luxurious hosting. These kind of extravagant gestures are made in first time weddings when you have less appreciation of the value of money, less responsibilities you need to use your money on and less wisdom! Honestly the amount spent on weddings is totally crazy and once we're grown up it seems even more so. Simple wedding. Spend your money on things that will enhance you/your loved ones' lives; possibly this conference.

Ilovemyshed · 17/07/2024 09:16

Forget the big white wedding, its a bit pointless if it messes up finances. Have a small do with just a few very close people, you can do that in church if you prefer, then go to the pub for a meal.

Original poster
AmIreallyThisAge · 17/07/2024 09:24

We live next door to a church, so no transport costs to get there!! It's a church I attend weekly so can't see myself getting married anywhere else.

I know it's not usual to cover bridesmaid/best mans travel/accommodation BUT it's my husband to be's niece and nephew (he doesn't have a huge family) and we feel it's cheeky to ask them to travel from Wales to Scotland and pay for accommodation too.

We have been together 6 years.

Already have our outfits (he has a kilt) and I have a nice dress.

I suppose I'm getting caught up in other folks expectations which isn't the point.

My Mum thinks we shouldn't get married at all (I had to leave my first husband due to domestic abuse) and she thinks divorce was costly and why put myself through the possibility of it happening again - which I'm sad about as I asked her if she doesn't like my fiancée - she says she likes him but is worried I will be taken advantage of (not necessarily by him but any man!)

OP posts:
SanMarzano · 17/07/2024 09:45

What would you get out of the conference - aren’t these things usually aimed more at medical professionals?

WednesdysChild · 17/07/2024 10:57

Are you and fiancé living together? Who is bringing more financial assets to the marriage - you or dp?

Maybe your mum has a point, that you will end up being carer to both your son and fiancé. Sometimes men change once they are married and they don’t have to make an effort any more… the fact that your mum is worried is ringing alarm bells for me here.

Like pp, I am wondering why you would go to this conference in the US. Is it aimed at the general public, how did you find out about it? What happens to your son while you’re away? If your dp is disabled from work, is a big trip to the US really such a good idea?

Surely you can’t be considering treatment in the US so why is the trip so valuable. Think about what you’ll get out of it and then talk to the conference organisers by phone… they may be able to let you purchase videos or papers, or join by video call perhaps.

If the conference is more about joining workshops to discuss with medical professionals particular issues families are facing, then is there something similar in Europe you could join?

Ishagonnaland · 17/07/2024 11:03

No-one can work this one out for you unfortunately ... you'll have to decide your priorities.

Church member getting married in the church next door should not be expensive at all. So that's easy.
Who you invite to join you, and what you offer them in the way of food, drink, accommodation & transport is now a whole other question.

And you don't need to answer this - but how quickly can you save up however much you want to do the stuff you don't do now i.e. are we talking about a year or 10, and how much of an issue is that for you?

Original poster
AmIreallyThisAge · 17/07/2024 11:43

The conference is partly medical/partly social - we went 2 years ago when my son was first diagnosed and it was hugely beneficial - my son was surrounded by others with similar issues and people who just "got it". My son would be going with us.

There isn't really a European option unfortunately.

We live together already. Tenancy is in my name. Neither of us have any great savings or assets

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 23/07/2024 13:38

Gosh, I would certainly prioritise the conference. It will being such benefit to you all.

But a quiet wedding is certainly doable. It’s just a matter of looking around. How many people? Can your local pub fit you all? Discuss a menu with them. And for afters, loads of cake back at your house?

Do you live in the outer wilds of Scotland that you feel the need to cover costs?

CreamLampshade · 31/10/2024 02:16

AmIreallyThisAge · 17/07/2024 11:43

The conference is partly medical/partly social - we went 2 years ago when my son was first diagnosed and it was hugely beneficial - my son was surrounded by others with similar issues and people who just "got it". My son would be going with us.

There isn't really a European option unfortunately.

We live together already. Tenancy is in my name. Neither of us have any great savings or assets

Are you basically a carer for your partner if he has a disability?

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