Mother-of-the-bride-zilla?

[Chucklemaker]

We are in the early stages on wedding planning and I’m losing my mind slightly with my Mum and wondering which one of us is being unreasonable. I will start by saying she is an amazing, kind, funny, generous lady and my best friend. I love her to death. However!

She has complained about feeling like she hasn’t been involved in the wedding planning so far. The only thing booked so far is the venue and the photographer…

I mentioned we (me and DP) have an appointment to meet the florist and she suggested it should be her coming with me instead of DP…

I discussed our potential wedding menu with her and she had assumed her and my stepfather would be invited to the tasting session?

For our save the dates we were planning to use Khadi paper and a rubber ink stamp. She saw the stamp and tester we’d done and said “surely you’re doing to decorate them a bit more? You’re not just going to send out a bit of paper?”.

Finally, she has now said she doesn’t wish to stay in an Air BNB (my choice of accommodation for the night before the wedding, which she has not even seen photos of). I’ve told her she is welcome to stay elsewhere but I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable.

Is it normal for parents to be THIS involved? Am I being mean for denying her coming along to all wedding related appointments? I am her only child which I think is probably part of why she is being like this but I’m feeling a bit suffocated.

Her level.of involvement is up to you, but it's your wedding and not hers.

She's way too involved.... it's yours and your partners wedding not hers

You're not being unreasonable but sadly your experience isn't unusual. You need to very bluntly remind your my that it is your fiancé's wedding day and therefore he wants an equal say too. My recall my mum calling me a bridezilla for disliking the bridesmaids dresses she had taken upon herself to choose and buy (just the one for my sister, in the expectation I shelled out for the others, even though they were way out of my budget and a hideous colour). It is frustrating but I think you need to calmly point out that her constant criticisms and interference are really upsetting you, and to cut down the wedding discussions if she can't rein it in.

Could you choose a couple of appointments for her to come along to and ask her opinion on some things so she feels involved, and then do the rest with just you and your fiancé? For example ask her along to the dress shopping and fittings, and then cake tasting?

Who is paying for the wedding? If you are funding it yourselves then it’s totally up to you, but if she is contributing financially then her opinion should be taken into account.

Going to the menu tasting would be way too much. I think mothers would often go to dress appointments and maybe cake tasting? Flowers is a good one too as you say.

I had my parents and bridesmaid at the tasting (why not it was a nice free meal for us all). And mum came to wedding dress shopping and fittings (but she paid for my dress). Maybe think of what you’re comfortable inviting her to and draw boundaries on other things.

You’ll get a load of ‘your wedding, your choice’ responses here, but IMO it depends in large part on who’s paying. If you’re relying on a contribution from your mum, then her involvement should be commensurate with that. If she’s paying for the food and flowers, then it’s fair enough for her to expect to have a bit of input on those things; it’s part of the fun of organising a wedding.

But if you’re paying for it all then technically she’s not really entitled to more of a say then any other guest. It sounds like you’re close to your mum so it would be kind to involve her - just don’t discuss the minutiae, or firmly shut down interference on decisions you and your partner have already made. If she doesn’t want to stay in an air b&b that’s fine, but that’s what you’ll be doing and it’s on her to sort out an alternative.

If you’re only just starting to plan, it might be an idea to give her an expectation of where and when you’d like her input/advice - maybe a dress shopping day with lunch or something?

Traditionally, the brides family planned (and paid for, and hosted) the wedding. If she planned hers with her mother, then she may have simply always assumed that she would help you with yours.

I think she is expecting to be involved because actually parents used to be involved in their children's wedding planning.
The groom traditionally just turned up. As an only child your mum may have waited from the minute you were born to plan your wedding and is feeling completely side lined. Times have changed and you may not want her involved as it is your and future hubby's day but try and see if from her point of view and suggest some things she can attend with you both. But remind her you will be making the final decisions . Good luck with everything . You said you have a wonderful relationship. Don't let this spoil it

I had no idea this was how things were done and this probably goes a long way towards explaining her difference in expectation vs mine.

She is making a sizeable contribution towards the wedding, as in she will be paying for the vast majority of it. We did not ask for this and have said several times that we are happy to pay for our own wedding but she insisted she wants to do this and it is important to her. We are obviously very grateful but at this stage I would honestly rather have her back off a little and pay for it ourselves. I don’t want to be that blunt and risk upsetting her though.

It was definately the way years ago and I would say she had a wedding fund . I know I did from the day my daughters were born so that they could have the weddings they chose. However times changed and when they married that money paid deposits for their homes and they paid for their weddings themselves and we just paid for their dresses.
My husband and I attended the appointments with the caterers (we were invited) but we didn't interfere with the choice just enjoyed being involved and knowing what was going on (had a good feed too).
Good luck with you, you must have the wedding of your choice and it may be you need to return the funds given in this case because it is going to come with strings attached and that could do irreparable damage to your relationship which would be a shame . Have a wonderful wedding day x

Paying but with strings then?
Why not ask her to pay for specific things and involve her with the planning of those only? Flowers /bm dresses.. You sort the rest. Or this wedding really isn't going to be about you op...

It's common for mothers to be involved in flowers and food from my experience (I host weddings - church, so been involved in hundreds!) But it's your wedding so your choice

The only thing my mum has been involved in was my dress appointment , she is paying towards the wedding but she wouldn't interfere like this.

Me too. I paid a lot towards my daughter's wedding but only got involved in the dress fitting. Everything else she did herself with my blessing.....maybe because I had done my own wedding the year before though I was happy to let her get on with it!

‘Paying but with strings’ is a bit of an odd way to look at a traditional wedding set up, where one of both of the bride’s parents paid for pretty much everything (as seems to be the case here). This was effectively the bride being ‘given away’ by her family, and as such her parents were the hosts of the whole occasion, not the bride and groom, and they had the final say on absolutely everything. As @Welshphoenix said, the groom often just rocked up on the day wearing what he’d been told to, and most of the planning was done by the bride and her mum.

Times have changed for the better in the last 30 years - thank god - but it still seems the height of entitlement (and selfishness) to expect to be given a big bung of cash and then exclude the giver from any part in the arrangements. Btw, I’m talking generally here, OP, not specifically about your situation!

Most people now seem to have a hybrid arrangement where both families and the bride and groom all contribute, but I’d say it’s still an expectation that the bride’s mum would have a little bit more involvement than most other people - if for no reason other than it’s a lovely and very special thing to do with your daughter (provided you have a good relationship).

But if you strictly want to do your own thing without anyone else’s input, the obvious solution is to pay for it all yourself 🤷‍♀️

If she's paying then yes I'd be inviting her to the following:
Dress choosing
Tasting of wedding food/wine
Cake choice and tasting
Flower selection

Probably choose photographers and entertainment as a couple.

Venue viewing is the couples choice but if her contribution is paying for it then you'd be as well to take her too.

If I were you I'd just say thanks for the contribution but no thanks. I put off our wedding by 9 months to save up more so ILs money wasn't needed as I didn't want a contribution that came with strings.

Other people paying shouldn't mean those other people make the decisions surely?

I don't think that the OP's mother is saying that there are strings attached to her (generous) gift - it sounds like she'd just like to be included in the process. She's probably just really excited about her only child getting married, too.

This.

It is exciting when any of your dc get married.
I suspect, if you only have one dc, then even more so.

My lovely DiL to be has involved me in lots of conversations and also to look at venues with her and my ds. Her thinking was that I'd been to a lot more weddings than either of they have, and she valued having another pair of eyes and ears there, and wanted me to notice things / point out things they might not have thought of.

Oh, and we aren't paying for the wedding.
I do think it a bit strange that you are willing to let your mother pay for your wedding, but that you aren't willing to let her be involved in any of the build up.

It’s sad that you want her to back off so much. I really enjoyed involving my Mum. It was a lovely bonding experience. My husband doesn’t have strong opinions on flowers. For catering, she knew far more than me about all the options in the area, their reputations etc. For wine, we had a lovely family dinner at my parents house, at which we tried lots of wines and chose what we wanted. My father takes an interest in that sort of thing, so it included him and my husband too. There is a lot of joy in creating shared experiences.

Mine was a nightmare and didn’t even pay for anything so I get how you feel.

however yours is paying so I think you do need to take her along to things. Think of it as money saved that you can use for your home or a holiday etc

Maybe make a list of key tasks and dates so she knows what’s going on and what she is and isn’t involved in - that might help calm things

This isn't uncommon. My own mother was very overly invested I felt, in my wedding, and there was a lot of, 'well it was good enough for me and your dad!', and an insistence on various aspects that I wouldn't have bothered with, and it really made the whole experience a lot more stressful. Looking back I'd have just gone with it a bit more, and not pushed back and accepted that was part of the deal.

There's also a more old school societal pressure on her maybe, that the wedding reflects on her, dont' forget that.

Your mum is paying for the wedding, and she is clearly very keen to be more involved. I would accept that if you don't want to fall out, you're going to need to bring her in a bit more and while no she doesn't get to make the choices on the flowers, dresses, food, etc, yes she can come along for the ride.

Put you teflon suit on and suck it up a bit, because the more you resist the more stress will build and that's not going to help you, or your relationship with her.

And I hate to say it, it is one day. It's not worth souring what sounds like a great relationship for.

I recall my late mum telling me she was the '2nd most important person there' at my first wedding. Mad old bird.

I just shared with her what I was confirmation sharing with her, and let her have her way on things that I diddnt care about about (she chose the favours for example)

2nd time around now, and I do wish she was here to see how happy I am
Now. Just be careful how much you share and grit your teeth sometimes