worried sick facing ex husband

[EveryonesMother]

My lovely eldest daughter is marrying her childhood sweeatheart. Everything in planning is going wonderfully, it will be a beautifull day for them.
Like many families her parents (us) are divorced with new partners. We have discussed any issues (separatley) and all agree that it is their day and we abide by their ideals and be civil, and any issues that may arise are to be dealt with by certain alllocated people discretely.
Now the reality...........
I have not spoken to her father for over 10 years. I do not speak ill of him. I made sure my children have no discomfort discussing him and family members as i was made to feel by my own mother about my father.
But.....
This is the man who made my life hell. The man who was abusive, violent, and made me fear for my life for years. The police were involved, i was hospitalised and he was a compulsive liar and narcissist. His family were very involved in ensuring i never pressed charges. His brother was also violent to his wife. His close friends hid information about him from me, and hjv c7they all closed ranks. Eventually after a violent evening the police removed him from the family home and i divorced him after a two year court battle.
He has a new wife, their relationship ia also volatile and there has been agency involvement.
Obviously he is giving our daughter away, and his family and friends are all invited.
He has told our daughter he will not share a bench with me but will be civil. He has also voiced concerns about my being at the after wedding breakfast the follwing morning. I have also been told that he does not want my best friend at the evening celebrations (she witnessed his violence towards me)
He is not paying for the wedding, we are all contributing.
I will be with my partner of 7 years and my son who is a groomsman, i have no other family.

I am desperatly trying to be excited and enjoy all the lovely preparations with my daughter but truthfullyI feel like I am being thrown to the lions. I keep assuring her it will all be wonderfull, we will all be civil etc but underneath I am terrified. The wedding is a few months away and I am having flashbacks and reliving his abuse before i have even clapped eyes on him. The thought of being in the same room as him turns my stomach over. I HAVE TO GET OVER THIS SOMEHOW. Has anyone else had similar experience? How did they get through it? Any advise plaese. Words of encouragement.
Oh I already have Diazapam :))

Is your friend coming?

Do you have a safe space during the day, eg a hotel room?

I'd recommend not drinking so any actions aren't under the influence. Spend as little time as possible near him. Focus on your gorgeous dd.

Thank you, I dont drink so thats not an issue. a safe space is a great idea thank you.
I have been told my friend cant come because he says not. I have no say over his friends, i would not expect to. It is their day their decision.

Agree with PP try to ensure you have a safe space and avoid drinking. Glad you have your DH and son also with you. Focus on your DD and them.

Any funny business at all ignore and do you best to take yourself out of the situation.

You have clearly always been the bigger person OP hold your head high with dignity. Is your DD aware of his violence and how bad it got?

No advice, just you sound amazing. I'm waiting on my divorce from a similar type. Go and hold your head up you've done nothing wrong x

My children are aware and witnessed DV but they were 7@3 when it ended, I shielded them from much of it so not aware how bad it was. He always protested his innocence and when my DD was older and found some police records i had kept and asked him about it he told her i set him up.The children saw him on alternate weekends under an order that he did not come within a certain distance to me or my home. It worked well most of the time, occasionally he would use them to try to aggravate me, the last time we had any communication was 10 years ago in the road where he was yelling abuse at me in front of them.
I have been at mt DDs home when he has called and asks her if the coast is clear.
I know the worry is all in my mind. He cant do anything to me, he has no power over me, and my partner would not allow anything to happen. Its just my horrible mind on replay.
Her day will be everything she wants.

I have no better advice to offer, other than to wish you a good day.
I know you don't want to damage your children's relationship with your ex, but I can't help wondering why you are downplaying what he did to you to such an extent even now they are adults?
Of course now is not the time to tell your daughter just how anxious he makes you and why, but you had the perfect opportunity when she found the police reports and yet you covered up for him.
It might be an idea to get some therapy or counselling for yourself, if the thought of him still affects you so badly and you still can't discuss it with your children.
I'm not saying this in any way as a criticism, more that it's trauma that may still need to be dealt with, and discussing it may actually help your children. They may have memories that they would like to process but they feel unable to do that with you.
I hope I haven't caused offence, you have been through so much and you sound like a wonderful loving mother.