Parents’ Contribution

[LivelyBlueSloth]

This is my dilemma that I would appreciate your kind views on. My daughter moved to Australia and is marrying an Australian next year in Melbourne. They are inviting approx 150 people - a vast majority are on the groom’s side of the family and their Australian friends. I think about 10 family will travel from UK.

I am not sure what the wedding is costing but it won’t be cheap! I am wondering how much we should contribute bearing in mind we have to pay for flights and accommodation on top.

I hope I don’t sound mean but we are going to retire soon and have limited funds. Of course I want my daughter to have the best day but the wedding seems very Australian heavy.

It’s been quite a while since a parent has been expected to contribute anything to a wedding? Is she expecting a lot or asked for anything?

Do you have other children? If yes, have you contributed anything to them? Or would you be able to contribute the same sum to their weddings?

Why do you need to contribute?

We paid for our own wedding, and as far as I know most of our friends did too. I think the bride's parents being expected to foot the bill is quite dated, and harks back to the days of women not working and being the property of their fathers and then their husbands.

If you are able and willing to offer something to help I'm sure they'll appreciate it but I would hope that they wouldn't expect it.

You don’t need to contribute at all under these circumstances. That’s an old-fashioned thing.

However, if you can afford it, you could offer to pay for one specific thing (bride’s dress, cake, flowers, photographer, for example) or just buy a generous wedding present.

They should appreciate any little amount you can give them.

So just offer what you can comfortably afford.

There are no 'rules'.

@LivelyBlueSloth , what can you reasonably afford? You can’t give more than that.
I have two boys and my husband and I paid on each occasion for reception canapés, a string quartet who played during the receiving reception and ceremony and champagne for the receiving reception. We also paid for a DJ, all the evening drinks and a pizza truck.
Additionally, my husband’s family do not come from England and so we paid completely for an abroad ‘wedding’ including ceremony and reception.

There's no set amount and certainly no obligation especially with a wedding in a different country. If you can afford to buy her a wedding dress then do that. If you think they'd enjoy a contribution to a honeymoon do that. You don't have to offer 50% of the costs etc.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. It is really useful.

Yes I have a son here in the UK. He lived rent free with us for a few years to help him get on the property ladder which he has now done. No sign of him getting married!!

I would take it into account and give your daughter a present which reflects financial help you gave your son (unless you done this already) plus consider that in the future you might need to give a wedding present or similar to your son.
I’m not saying you should but it’s always better to keep things even. Sometimes children would say that they don’t care but then when times come they do care and unfairness worsens siblings relationship significantly.

Hi
just wondering how things worked out with this as we are in a similar situation. We have already given a considerable amount towards our daughters wedding. We said at the outset we would help, but in hindsight, wonder if we were just being too nice!
She and her fiance live over 500 miles away, and in the same town as his family/friends. Naturally they see them all the time, and us only once or twice a year. His family are very wealthy (like several properties home and abroad, children had nannies wealthy) We are ordinary, non-professional people, ordinary jobs/house.
My upset is that, as far as I can see, whatever (if anything) the grooms family are contributing is a tightly guarded secret - we have paid the venue/dress/reception! All I’ve been told is they paid the cake - and they’re being lauded like it’s the most amazingly generous thing ever!
Now to the stinger - we have been allocated 3 (yes 3) invites! Us and her brother - even his partner of 18 months is an evening guest as ‘no ring/no bring’ while his parents have all their siblings, their spouses and friends (over 35 at last count) as ‘we see them all the time’. I fully understand them having all their own friends there, but shouldn’t parents be treated equally. Apparently they ‘have business and social standing to consider’
Any time I have tried to broach this, it becomes a fight and we are accused of adding stress and strings to our contribution.
I honestly could cry and, to be honest of it wasn’t going to end our relationship, I wouldn’t even go! It seems that our involvement starts and ends with a cheque! We also gave them a house deposit and paid for repairs when they moved in!
Am I unreasonable to expect to at least not be a stranger at our childs wedding, when I’ve given over 12K and the grooms family are buying a cake, being seen as marvellous and having a cast of family/friends to attend!
Sorry to rant, just devastating to realise how little you can mean beyond cash. Even though we get on well with our daughter and her fiance, this has definitely changed how we will help them in the future.
Maybe I’m in the wrong - which is only reason I haven’t just walked away from the whole thing!

That is really unfair! If you are paying for the reception you are technically the hosts and actually can choose who to have there (or could in the good old days)! You should certainly say that your son's girlfriend should be there (assuming you are close to her) as a minimum courtesy.

Though the whole idea of the bride's side paying for everything has gone out the window and we have really respected our children's desire to organise their own weddings, our contributions have always been welcomed with corresponding generosity from their side in terms of invites for friends and family (even if they might not secretly want to invite auntie Madge)! I'd be really disappointed in my child if they behaved so ungenerously. Certainly gifts shouldn't have strings, but three invites seems pretty mean to me.