when should we get married?

[missgenzmum]

me and my partner planned to get married in summer 2025 (we got engaged in february) but i recently got pregnant. i'm due in december and would rather not have a 5-8 month old baby at my wedding.

Well you do you then .. can't argue with stupid .. it takes literally less than the time of a supermarket shop to protect you and your children's financial welfare for life .. none of my girls would ever considered having a child with someone they weren't married to .. but as I say. - you do you if the 'big day' is your focus ..

I'm guessing you have ignored the multi gazillion threads in adoring 'fiancés ' who become reluctant once nang jas arrived ..

As my grandmother once unpalatably commented .. why buy the heifer when the calf came for free ...

nang jas - baby has

Our DC1 was due in December and we got married the following April when she was 4 months old. No honeymoon. Parents had DD for one night while we stayed in the honeymoon suite of a posh hotel but our minds were on her and we rushed to get her straight after breakfast the next morning! Money was tight as we’d spent so much on baby stuff and had moved from a flat to a house. DD was unsettled on the day, I had to breastfeed and we were knackered from accumulated sleepless nights as she was a terrible sleeper (until she was 3!) so not much energy for the evening do.

If I could have had my time again, I would have got married the summer before. I only had a small bump at 4-5 months and looked glowing in holiday pics that summer! It would have been lovely to have got married fuss and child free and have a nice honeymoon abroad before baby arrived or even get married on a beach abroad (barefoot and pregnant!) which would have been amazing.

You could have a church blessing and christening together (if that’s what you want) later on.

Agree that legal protection is important before baby arrives. You could be so focused on baby, work and finances that you put it off and off.

I'd also prefer to do it pregnant than with a small child however it's your choice! Congratulations. I'd probably do it when the baby is about 4-5 months old - they'll be sleeping a fair bit.in the day still and they won't be mobile so grandparents can happily cuddle them during the ceremony. Otherwise, tbh, I'd wait until they're about 18-24 months

Before!
I will never forget going to the wedding of a friend who spent the entire evening with her screaming over tired 1 year old pacing outside. I her wedding dress. Absolutely miserable for her.
She had a nanny and family but it was still her the child wanted.
So glad I married before children.
Legal protection also so don't risk it. Just book ASAP.

@newwidowtobe
"why buy the heifer when the calf is free" what the actual fuck?? what went through your head while typing that out?

@newwidowtobe you also just proved my point with your "less than the time of a supermarket shop" remark.

Definitely before the baby - a quick registry office do, combining christening and a wedding blessing later sounds a good idea.
Nobody else seems to have mentioned it yet but having a baby is absolutely life changing and puts most relationships under strain as you adjust, which can take months/years. It's easy for the father to walk away (if he's that way inclined) if you're not married, less so if you are, marriage and the process of getting divorced seems to make people try and work through their issues if they possibly can. Then as everyone else has said it gives both of you legal rights which is so important. Next of kin for example

We got married when ds was a few months shy of 3 and he was a very cute page boy!

I actually think a baby that’s 5-8 months won’t be too bad, especially if you have help. They tend to still sleep a fair bit during the day at this age and they’re not mobile yet. And they can’t talk so no demanding toddler. Age 18 - months to 3.5 is quite hard work. So Otherwise I think you’ll need to wait until the child is about 4 for it to be easy.

thanks! might still do that then

why have you posted if you don’t want advice? I think it’s very strange to not be getting married quickly ASAP. the marriage isn’t about the wedding, it’s about the legal protections and commitment that go with it. It sounds like you’re choosing to prioritise the wedding over the marriage. You’re committed to your SO in one way or another now for the next few decades so might as well make it official as soon as possible .

Your reading comprehension appears to be as impaired as your reasoning. 'Why buy the heifer if the calf comes for free' is an extremely well known phrase from a very different time but with the exact same meaning. It warns women not to have children before a man has made the financial commitment that is the legal contract of marriage.
However - you seem entirely wrapped up about the best 'look for the day' rather than your and your child's long term security.

It actually does take less than the time of a supermarket shop to get married at a registry office before you have a child. No one but your spouse needs to know, you can literally get two strangers to witness it and keep it completely secret... and get on planning your big day... knowing that you are protected.

Or not. and hope it all works out ok.

I'd be down to the Register Office ASAP.
I'd not risk my child's future over having my BigDay.
Once the baby is here you will struggle with time and resources and possibly a grooms reluctance to get married as "what's the point, a child's the biggest commitment we could make?"

I am with the vast majority on here and am quite surprised that you are dismissing so many valuable points being made here.

I agree with the postings about protecting yourself etc etc. Just to say that at least 3 of my nieces and nephews have had very small weddings with a party etc at a later stage - and they all have pretty good jobs.

There is absolutely no reason why you cannot arrange the legal side of the marriage and do the party itself at a later stage. I do not see the point in putting it on the long finger like you seem to be planning to do.

I booked my wedding for Sunday just gone in January 2023, fell pregnant (happy accident) in the February. Couldn't rearrange the wedding as we'd paid deposits etc! So I can give a perspective from having a 5.5month old at the wedding!
I was dreading the logistics of it, and the morning of the wedding was a bit hectic but I thankfully had lots of help. She blew me away by how good she was during the whole day. Not a peep out of her during the ceremony and she was in a fair few wedding photographs which will be lovely for her when she's older. I would have probably liked her to have been a bit older but genuinely if you've got the help, she didn't hinder the day only made it more special!
Oh and contrary to other comments, he still married me!

Just to counter most of the messages here. I've been to a few weddings where they had a little one and a good age seems to be around the 7-9 months before they start walking but are now comfortable sitting with Gran/aunties etc. You want them to be not be totally dependent on you but also small enough that they'll nap easily. You will need a lot of help on the day to manage them though so just check in with your family if they're ok to do that. I went to a glorious wedding in Italy where they had got engaged pre Covid but couldn't get married until long after so had a 18 month old running around. It was all fine, the bride looked insanely gorgeous. Congrats on your engagement and your pregnancy 💛

FGS this isn't about the best age to get married with a baby! Or it shouldn't be.

OP you need the legal protection of marriage before you have a baby. That's all we're saying.

Have a big celebration afterwards. But get the contract done.

just realized how early pregnant you must be. I'd hold off on any planning for now - lots can change.

I had my 5 month old DD at my wedding. I wish I'd gotten married before she arrived, it was just another huge layer of organisation on top of a wedding! Not to mention she screamed the place down during the readings, until I picked her up and held her. Yes, it's nice to want to include the baby, but the practicalities were exhausting.

@missgenzmum WOW I am actually so surprised by the responses you got.. it seems that to most women on here a wedding is just a contractual arrangement, which is sad really.

Enjoy being pregnant OP and plan your big day for 2025!

I think 9-10 months would be just enough to hopefully fully recover and get the hang of being a new mum.. also you will have time during maternity leave to do a lot of the last minute planning! Make sure to start planning from now though so you don't leave everything after the baby is born.

i think the contrary! Most women on here see marriage as a massive commitment that you should enter into to protect a decision you can never undo - choosing to have children with a man. A wedding is optional! A wedding =/ a marriage.

Yep. This.

I would get married before the baby is born and if that means a tiny reg office informal affair then so be it. Could always have a big party in a white dress in a few years time if you still want. Absolutely no way on earth would I have a baby to someone I wasn't married to.

Sorry to wade in with an already disregarded bit of advice but I'd be getting married now, preferring the legal security of marriage rather than get hung up on aesthetics and logistics of a wedding.

Do you want a wedding or do you want to be married?
I don't mean that in a bitchy way.
Being married offers you legal protection and takes about an hour in a Register Office.
A wedding is a big party.
You can get married in about a month - once you've got your licenses etc. Then the legal bit is done and you can focus on pregnancy and your baby.
You can have a wedding style party later on in your life.