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Original poster

Bridesmaid etiquette??

24 replies

Violet4522 · 06/02/2024 23:34

Looking for some advice on etiquette around friends who are good friends but had to sadly draw the line before you could ask them to be bridesmaids… I’m a chronic people pleaser so find these things challenging but staying true to my wishes on this day of all days!

Getting married in 2025. For context I have a medium sized group of friends whom I’ve kept in touch with for many years from my hometown, 2 of which I am extremely close to, speak to most days & meet up with / go on holiday with regularly with fiancé and their husbands.
However within that same group I have 2 other friends who I’ve kept in touch with here and there but we probably only see eachother once a year (if that). However very much friendly & would absolutely have them at my wedding as guests with partners.
I have now chosen my bridesmaids & have settled on future sister in law, the 2 friends I’m closest to from this hometown group and 2 long term very close friends from a different circle (who I see almost every week).
My question is… what is the etiquette with the two ladies I have not asked to be bridesmaids? Do I say something to them such as “unfortunately I was not able to have everyone but I really look forward to seeing you on the day” or alternatively asking them if they’d like to do a reading or sign the register?
Or is it best to just… leave it & let them make the assumption naturally. I don’t want to hurt either of their feelings but equally I have to draw the line somewhere as I can’t afford endless bridesmaids and really wanted to keep it to my nearest and dearest!
thank you in advance

..A guilt ridden bride x

OP posts:
WetBandits · 06/02/2024 23:36

Oh gosh I’m not sure I’d like to hear a list of reasons why I wasn’t chosen when I could work it out for myself 🙈 I wouldn’t say anything about the bridesmaid situation, but if you want them to be involved then you could absolutely ask them to be witnesses 🙂

Original poster
Violet4522 · 06/02/2024 23:41

Thank you! No, I agree… not reasons of why not, but whether to sort of address the “elephant in the room” as such. Something along the lines of “whilst I wasn’t able to have you as bridesmaid I’d love for you to be involved in xyz at the wedding as you’re a special friend to me.” Or whether to just leave that unsaid and hope they realise having a role in some way means just that x

OP posts:
NewName24 · 07/02/2024 00:03

I can't see that there is any elephant.

5 bridesmaids seems like a LOT of bridesmaids.
I doubt very much the others were expecting to be asked even.

You definitely don't need to start telling people why they haven't been chosen to be a bridesmaid.

Original poster
Violet4522 · 07/02/2024 06:50

Oh really? I’m surprised to hear 5 is a lot, I went to 3 weddings last year and the bridesmaid count was 6,6,8
Good to hear that there’s no need to say anything though!

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 07/02/2024 06:55

Don't have any. The whole bridesmaid circus has got massively out of hand. I can't believe how much some grown women obsess over it. You're marrying the groom not your mates. It's not about them.

Anjea · 07/02/2024 06:59

5 is lots, I would have picked 2. Having loads will make the ones who didn't get picked feel shit.

ZenNudist · 07/02/2024 07:10

I judge 4 badly. It just seems OTT. 5 is worse! I'd just ask 2 close friends, ditch SIL amd another 2 friends. I'm pretty sure no one will mind. Being a bridesmaid is a PITA.

olympicsrock · 07/02/2024 07:15

5 is a lot. I had 6 ( 4 adults and 2 little girls)z everyone said it was a lot of bridesmaids.
No need to say anything. Be open about who will be bridesmaids. You don’t like them any them than you ever did.

Mumdiva99 · 07/02/2024 07:16

I only had my daughter.
My friend did a reading and my cousin played a piece during the signing.
I didn't want to start as having one extra bridesmaid would have offended someone and I would have ended up with all the female guests in bridesmaid dresses and no other guests!! 3 cousins, all their female kids, my 3 close friends, an old friend, and 2 newer friends who I saw every day. I felt it easier to stop at 1....no one was offended. I sorted my own hen do, and had a lovely day out with friends.

Original poster
Violet4522 · 07/02/2024 07:16

Just to clarify - so did not at any point ask everyone’s opinion on if 5 bridesmaids is a lot or not 😂
feel free to re-read the question
As people keep reiterating continuously on this forum “it’s your wedding”. What’s the need to be so judgy!

OP posts:
Original poster
Violet4522 · 07/02/2024 07:18

Mumdiva99 · 07/02/2024 07:16

I only had my daughter.
My friend did a reading and my cousin played a piece during the signing.
I didn't want to start as having one extra bridesmaid would have offended someone and I would have ended up with all the female guests in bridesmaid dresses and no other guests!! 3 cousins, all their female kids, my 3 close friends, an old friend, and 2 newer friends who I saw every day. I felt it easier to stop at 1....no one was offended. I sorted my own hen do, and had a lovely day out with friends.

Thank you that’s very helpful advice! And a good idea to include friends in other ways

OP posts:
Flottie · 07/02/2024 09:03

5 is a lot of bridesmaids

I definitely wouldn’t say anything to the other two it just makes it very awkward… and if you only see them once a year I doubt they’re expecting it

Crucible · 07/02/2024 10:55

If you are concerned I would pick the roles for them for certain. Pick a reading and say 'Xnonbridesmaid please could you read this on the day it would mean a lot' and 'Ynonbridemaid would you sign the register'

But only if that's what you want! No explanation necessary! You're doing fine. Weddings are tricky and have a lovely day.

MaggieFS · 07/02/2024 11:01

The reason why "five is a lot" IS relevant, is because hopefully even they will see that to add a further two is bordering on the ridiculous. I don't think you need to explain anything.

It would be nice to have them involved, but, depending on how many readings you are having, you may also need to consider some of your fiancés friends?

Grumpynan · 07/02/2024 11:01

You can have as many bridesmaids as you like, I had 2 but have been to weddings with more, one had 10 !

I really think you’re over thinking though, I’m sure your friends will be fine, but as others have said there’s plenty of other things they could do. Readings, register, ushers, or they could do behind the scenes- flowers, photography, just general organising whatever their skill set is. But as I say, I really think you don’t need to worry.

dont forget the grooms friends need roles too

Fifthtimelucky · 07/02/2024 11:20

I can't see a problem. If you only see the other two friends once a year at most, it seems very unlikely that they would expect to be bridesmaids.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/02/2024 11:30

5? That's going to cost you a fortune between bridesmaids and groomsmen.

I don't want to sound rude but for many people, being a bridesmaid is their idea of hell so I wouldn't overthink it too much.

Readings, help with choosing the music, there are lots of ways to mollify peoples hurt feelings. In this day and age, unless you are totally minted and they are expecting a huge wedding, they will be pleased to be asked if you only see them a couple of times a year.

viridiano · 07/02/2024 11:32

Do I say something to them such as “unfortunately I was not able to have everyone but I really look forward to seeing you on the day”

Don't say that. It's completely cringe.

I solved this problem by simply not having bridesmaids at my wedding. I highly recommend it!

Tabletoptimes · 07/02/2024 11:39

They know they are important to you because you're inviting them to your wedding. No need to say anything, unless they bring it up. If you would like them to do a reading, etc that is great, but don't feel you need to find something for the sake of it.

mrssunshinexxx · 07/02/2024 12:40

Awkward one as presuming you'll invite them on your hen do?

Enko · 07/02/2024 13:37

I dont think 5 is a lot I think its a normal amount. Dd1 us getting married next year and has 4 bridesmaid and a bridesmaid. Her soon to be sil had 6

Don't explain why they will likely know you have closer friends and not consider it.

Normandy144 · 07/02/2024 13:43

I think the main thing to consider when it comes to bridesmaid etiquette is how many can you afford e.g. buying dress, shoes and then makeup and hair. I kept it at 3 adults and then had 3 younger flower girls (my daughter's and my niece).

NewName24 · 07/02/2024 19:39

Violet4522 · 07/02/2024 07:16

Just to clarify - so did not at any point ask everyone’s opinion on if 5 bridesmaids is a lot or not 😂
feel free to re-read the question
As people keep reiterating continuously on this forum “it’s your wedding”. What’s the need to be so judgy!

No, you didn't ask, but it is relevant to whether someone relatively close to you might feel they might have been asked.
If a bride has 2 sisters, who she is close to, then she already has 2 people to help her get ready / accompany her on the day, so friends aren't so likely to be asked as they would be is a bride has no really close female relatives.

In your case, you don't just have 2 people, you actually already have 5 , so no sane person is going to think you need any more than that, so there wouldn't be any thinking that additional people would be asked.

that's not "judgey", that's joining in the discussion that you have started, and answering the question you asked by saying of course you don't need to say anything because there wouldn't be any expectation.
If you had 2 sisters or 2 friends, that you were equally close to, and asked one but not the other, there would be some sort of 'expectation' possibly the other might be asked, but the point people are making is nobody expects to be asked to be "bridesmaid number 6" unless they were septuplets.

FrozenGhost · 07/02/2024 19:50

I don't think there's anything to feel awkward about, I imagine they wouldn't expect or want to be asked. It's completely normal to have a group of friends but only 1-2 of them as bridesmaids.

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