Help please!!

[Onceuponaheartache]

So I am nc with my sister,thread explaining the basic background is linked below.

Mum pushed me into a corner and I backed down on the condition sisters behaviour towards me altered.

However, realised today that dd hadn't mentioned anything abiut what her aubty had guven her for Christmas. My mum gave us a bag of gifts and i just assuned something in there was ftom sister. Saw mum this evening and asked her if there was so I could get dd to do thank you cards as I had missed some of the present opening due to overseeing dinner .

Mum git sheepish and then said sister had told her she was paying money onto dd's gohenry card. I checked the app and showed mum that she hadn't done so. Mum excused it by saying sister had been busy in the run up to Christmas...well no shit so has everyone.

Sister works part time hours 3 days a week. It take kess than 30 seconds to do a bank transfer

i am seething that sister has extended her behaviour to my dd.

This is the hill i am willing to die on. She xan treat me kike shit but not my dd.

I have so far resisted telling my mum thats sisters invite to the wedding is rescinded and i am not prepared to discuss it further. But i wanna check that i am not being a complete bitch first before i potentially blow my last remaining famiky out the water.

Would you allow the invite to stand or am i right to draw the line?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/wedding/4867295-nc-with-sister-but-parents-want-me-to-invite-her

I think I would let the present thing go, assuming you didn’t buy anything for her children?

I guess it also depends on their financial situation and if she can afford to pay into the gohenry account.

If you don’t want to invite her and her family to your wedding then don’t. I wouldn’t use this as the excuse though as it seems a little petty (sorry) I would just continue with your feelings of not getting along.

No one can force you to invite someone to your wedding if you don’t want them there. I think your mum just wants her daughters back on good term to make her life easier and happier again. She’s probably pushing for the wedding invite as it seems like an olive branch and to not invite seems like the very end of any sort of relationship.
This is all your choice with who you want in your life though, that’s your decision.

I can remember your other thread.

I'd honestly let this go. We done people with ND in the family, both ADHD and ASD and having a Christmas present arrive late is just what sine people do. Your DD will not be that upset over it but she may be upset if you exclude her family from your wedding.

You seem very black and white on the issue of your relationship with your DSis. I wonder if you've ever had any counselling to help you with how you are feeling about it?

Forget the Christmas present thing. It's not important. Your sister doesn't want to give your DD a gift because of the relationship the two of you have. Rise above. I've read your other thread. She sounds toxic. Your wedding. Your rules. Your guest list. If it help clarify the situ with your mum, write her a short letter telling her your sis is not invited and that that is the end of the matter and you don't want to discuss it further. YANBU.

*some

The Christmas present is of almost no consequence. It is not remotely a good reason to exclude someone from your wedding. If you have changed your mind about the olive branch you offered and want to rescind the invitation, then own it and do that. But not because of the lack of a Christmas gift. Not giving your DD a present is thoughtless but it is not “treating her like shit”.

I remember your first thread

Gutted you felt forced into inviting her when you were so determined not to - and for good reasons!

Don't use the Christmas present thing - has Dd noticed?

But if you have changed your mind about her coming, then tell her - it's your wedding
When is it?

Why would she get your daughter a present if you're NC?

Not getting a present for a child who's parent you're NC with is not "treating them like shite".

It's bonkers that you were press-ganged into inviting someone to your wedding when you don't speak to them.

Haven't read your first thread, but nobody has a right to a present, otherwise, it's not a present- it's a tax. It's not treating somebody badly not to give them a present.

And when you are NC.... sorry it seems perfectly natural that she doesn't get your DD a present.... her opportunity to have a relationship with your DD must be very limited.

You have no right to demand a present or be pissed off at all!

I have always maintained gifts for her kids and uo til now she had for dd.

My parents had facilitated dd having a relationship with her cousins. If you read the original thread it does explain everything.

It is not a financial issue. Her dh is a doctor, they are very well off.

Money is not the issue at all. Just her usual behaviour and my parents doing the usual and excusing it away.

I would not be the least bit bothered about someone forgetting or not getting round a child’s Xmas present in the grand scheme of things

Your last thread sounds like you are very strict to the point of being quite regimental about your DD and other stuff and your sister is more laid back. Essentially you are just very different people but your attitude is very sharp in your reactions and you sound quite punitative in your responses to any perceived slight.

You say your DD enjoys being with her auntie and cousins so perhaps taking a more forgiving approach will enable her yo
maintain her family ties?

Your poor mum also must be so sad being stuck in the middle of all your anger towards your sister.

I am strict with her but by no menad regimental. But that I'd my choice and not for her to undermine. I do not comment on her parenting or anyone else's. And hod forbid if my mum days anything about her kids behaviour because sister ends up going mental.

I am sick to death of being attacked by her for having different approaches to parenting.

If I had not got her kids gifts there would be absolute hell to pay. But apparently it is OK for her to "forgot" my dd.

It is the double standards and the frankly toxic behaviour from her that I finally had enough of. I told her years ago to either jeep her opinions to herself or stay out of my life. She has rarely contacted since but up til this year has always down gifts for dd.

Whilst her toxis vs only impacted me I was happy to allow dd to maintain a relationship via my parents but now she has spited dd I am not.

I really would seek some counselling on how you feel about your DSis and your DPs. I have read the original thread and you as I said, you seem to see this in a very black and white way, without any nuance.

I really think that counselling may help you to come to terms better with how you feel about your family

I don't require counselling thanks.

How come your sister ever got invited to the wedding you were adamant she wasn't?

Seems like your DSIS is poking the bear and it's working. She wants drama and you are providing it.

@RandomMess immense pressure from my mum, guilt tripping etc and I caved.

You are right she wants the drama. If I let it slide she gets away with it again though.

I don't want to involve mum. I am tempted to just email sister and say given her behaviour towards dd over Christmas I am no longer prepared to live and let live and as such her invitation to the wedding is withdrawn. But I know she will kick off and I will end up being the bad guy.

I would love to stipulate that she doesn't involve our mum and just makes an excuse to decline the invite. But then I also think why the hell should I have to be covert about it. Mum was warned in the summer that if sisters behaviour continued there would be no invite so technically I am only following through.

Email your Mum & sister.

Remind your Mum you said you would follow through and now you are.

But she's simply not given your DD a Christmas present. That's all. I know there's a huge list of things that you already feel aggrieved about but your reaction to this one present seems a little overboard.

I'm not sure whether I would attribute it to the none giving of a gift. She'll probably just cite forgetfulness or bank transfer failed even if that's not truthful. It's easy for her to make you look unreasonable in that scenario. She didn't realise etc etc. if you genuinely don't want her there as there is a risk if her ruining your lovely day, maybe just tell her that.

Thanks @RandomMess and @Dinkydoo17

I think the gift thing and knowing the absolute ww3 fall out that would occur if the situation was reversed has just pissed me off.

And the fact that as always mum is straight to her defense with "ohh she's been so busy in the run up to Christmas". So have we all for god sake! It takes 3pnseconds to do a bank transfer and yet a week on she still hasn't done it. If that had been me that had forgotten mum would not be defending me in the same way.

Yes that's infuriating. From what I see and experience in some families there's always one child who gets away with bad behaviour and others get grief. Be true to yourself OP and I hope your wedding planning goes smoothly :)

Thanks @Dinkydoo17. Mostly all done, baring things that can't be finalised till the rsvp's come in.