Invitation etiquette

[Mummobile]

Before you respond, I just want to clarify that I got married over 10 years ago and I want to make sure I understand wedding invitation etiquette and how to respond without causing offence or making the couple feel awkward or obliged.

I am a bridesmaid to a close friend who is getting married in Spring. We received the save the date a while ago and it included my partner and children’s names on it.

She mentioned that she was sending official invites out recently and I received mine in the mail, but it only had mine and my partners name on. Whilst being a bridesmaid is a huge honor, I’m trying to be supportive and helpful as much as I can and look forward to celebrating my friend getting married very much so. I now feel a little awkward asking if children are invited - I have googled etiquette, and this normally means that without a name on the invites, they aren’t invited.

I just feel a little blind sided as we had previously talked about accommodation the night before and how I would manage with my partner and children in a separate hotel. She didn’t mention that children were not invited, I had just assumed as one of the bridesmaids is a young child (age 7), so I had the assumption that children were invited to the celebration (my children are 5 and 3).

When I got married, my bridesmaids caused quite a lot of stress - in particularly with the invites (people asking for multiple +1s or deciding last minute that their +1s were only attending for a few hours etc)… I absolutely do not want to cause any undue stress… I just feel that the message hasn’t been communicated across properly, and I would need to know so I can figure out if I can arrange a babysitter, or if my partner would have to stay home to look after the children (it’s 2 hours away and it would be an over nighter).

What is wedding etiquette with untangling this? Or does it seem pretty clear cut that, they had first intended children to be invited but have changed their mind?

Could you send a message or call and say as the kids were named on the save the date but not the invitation, you are just confirming they aren't invited so you can organised childcare etc?

I think in these circumstances you need to do what @Blixem has said. It could be money wise they have now decided no kids, although it would have been polite to tell you that. Or it could be they didn't bother writing all of the names out.

Id send an RSVP and put all 4 names

Don't do that! You're close enough to be her bridesmaid and to spend an absolute fortune on attending her wedding, you can have a conversation about it. Just ask, they were named on the save the date so it's a perfectly reasonable question.

I would just text and say. Thank you for the invitation can't wait! Just wanted to double check if kids are invited or if it's a child free day, not a problem but need to plan accordingly.

Thanks for all the advice. I did as advised and dropped a message to check, I made sure to tell her that it didn’t matter and that we just needed to know to make sure we can make arrangements. The answer - It’s a mostly adult free wedding… which is unusual but not unheard of.

I’m trying to not project my feelings of being blindsided as it hadn't been communicated beforehand, I do feel that it would have been kinder if I had been told in person or over message - instead of through receiving the invite in the mail with only our names on.

I will keep my thoughts to myself as I know that it’s their day, and I only wish her the best, and want her to have the day she deserves. As a bridesmaid I feel it’s my honor to make it as stress free and be supportive as possible.

Now I am going to have to find childcare for overnight which is going to be an issue 😫 which again is going to be my problem to deal with!

Well done for asking. Not surprised you feel blindsided given that your children’s names were on the Save The Date!

Sounds like she had a change of mind for whatever reason (probably headcount or costs) and felt too awkward to directly tell you.

Adult-free weddings are definitely unusual....

oops typo 🤣

*child-free

I had a similar situation with a close friend. Ages ago when I was pregnant, she was saying how our baby would come to her wedding and then if my mum could collect him after a while so we could enjoy the evening.

We’ve had the invitations and like you - it’s just our names. There’s a wedding website that says about children not being invited. I think she will have realised that she doesn’t want children there or it might be difficult to have some and not others. When I talk to her I’ll mention that he’s having a sleepover at granny’s and we’re both looking forward to a night out.

I think especially in the early days of planning you can over commit and then the nearer it gets reality kicks in and it is all so expensive. Also child free weddings are so normal now so I don’t think it’s unusual.

When we got married, it was family children only (there are bloody loads!) but one friend couple had a new born so we let them know it was fine to bring him. It's not hard to communicate stuff like this surely?

She's probably now changed her mind after thinking about the realities of it and doing the final guest list, but given she specifically told you they were invited I would ask her directly, the earlier the better.

Would it be feasible for your husband to stay home with the kids? Then you can relax and not worry about them and concentrate on being a bridesmaid and having fun.