Don’t want sister as bridesmaid

[Elle15]

I need some help I am planning on getting married in the next couple of years and I don’t want one of my sisters as bridesmaid she makes everything about her she isn’t pleasant and she’s extremely difficult, but I will be having my older sister who is my best friend as maid of honour.
We just really don’t get on well and we have a huge age gap too I know that my mum will kick off massively but I just really don’t want her as one I just want my 3 clothes friends.
I have spoken to my niece who will be around 14/15 when the wedding happens and she is happy to be a flower girl, I was going to ask my sister to be one she will be around 16 for the wedding.
Part of my feels mean for having my older sister and not having her but it’s not what I want.

What should I do??

Honestly. I would have your sister. It'll cause way more stress than not having her. Make your favourite one Moh she cab di the bridesmaid duties. The other just turns up on the day in a frock

I’d just do away with having bridesmaids and flower girls altogether - although I admit I don’t get what purpose they actually serve in the first place hence am not having any myself. Or, make them all your non-family friends.

Yes, it should be up to you what happens and who you involve in your wedding party, but deliberately leaving out one sister, however valid the reason, is an example of something which is ultimately going to cause you a lot of unneeded stress and upset both in planning things and on the day if the result is going to be your mum “kicking off” and all kinds of bad feeling. It’ll cast a shadow on things for you and potentially involve a scene on the day, if your sister is prone to that sort of behaviour. Why open you and your husband and other guests up to all of that?

Have younger sister and niece as flower maids, if sister is not up to the standard you still have a back up.

You are more likely to face more issues by excluding her than by including her.

Don't have your sister, it's your day but not only that by having her just to save arguments you will be opening yourself up to months of stress and upset. I know I've been there. I only had 2 of my 5 sisters as bridesmaids and the other 3 were annoyed but got over it.
Maybe as a peace offering have the other sister do a reading or something?

Do what you want, you'll regret it otherwise. I asked my sister to be my bridesmaid but she refused to wear the dress I picked out, refused to even consider other dresses in the colour I chose (that was the colour of my wedding), refused to have her a neutral lipstick for the photos, refused to do everything I asked her. She forgot I wore a fuglyPURPLE bridesmaid dress to her wedding, had my hair styled in the opposite parting to my natural parting so I would match the other bridesmaids and even wore flat shoes so I didn't look as tall. I did this.... because it was HER wedding and I wanted her to be happy. She wasn't willing to do the same for me, so I told her she couldn't be my bridesmaid. My mum told me to "keep the peace" and let her make my wedding cake. She didn't even make what I asked and left it on my doorstep when I was out. I came home to a cake left outside while I was wedding shopping. I had to rush to M&S to buy a cake as the one she made "to keep the peace" was too small. She then told me 2 days before the wedding she wasn't going to organise the champagne flutes or the speaker for the music. (My wedding was 40 people in a village hall, very small and cheap). So 2 days before the wedding, I'm sourcing champagne flutes and a speaker for the music. She still turned up late to my wedding and rushed past me as I was about to walk down the aisle. I'm so glad she wasn't bridesmaid now. I may have had extra stress, but my photos are just me and DH and I'm sooooo glad. She left early in the end, as it wasn't about her and she was being ignored by my friends and family.

Do what YOU and your fiancé want for your wedding. It's about you both, no one else. Hugs!!

if she’s only 16 I’d let her join in without giving her any responsibilities, so if she kicks off or doesn’t join in it won’t make any difference. What does it actually involve, wearing a matching dress and walking down the aisle? It’s not worth the upset.

Sounds like you’ve got a good excuse that you want two flower girls and then adult bridesmaids. Her age can be the reason rather than your relationship.

just did the maths
your wedding is in a couple of years
your sister will be 16, which means she’s 14 now !
14 year olds are (generally) self centred and a pain - by the time they get to 16 most people grows out of it, for all we know in 2 years your sister will be a beautiful human being and you’ll regret not having her as part of the wedding party
also, are you not creating more drama?
yes you could use age as an excuse and have the young ones as flower girls - just maybe don’t call it flower girls? Sorry I associate it with tiny girls
or just “junior bridesmaids” they just come in with a nice dress and are part of the pics?

I do agree with your point but this is completely different to a stroppy 14 year old situation.
Without going into the ins and outs me and 2 of my other siblings don’t have the best relationships with our mum or this sibling we all left home before 16 however this one sibling is a carbon copy of our mum and they get along extremely well and are really close. Me and my 2 siblings who left home had a tough childhood and she was treated differently to us which I appreciate wasn’t her fault but because of that there’s always been a divide between us i’m ashamed to say it but there’s no bond or connection there just an awful lot of trauma and baggage. She isn’t pleasant to me (never has been even as a child) or my child I am lucky if she says hello to me at family events but she will make a point of speaking to everyone else (I will always go over and say hello) and she is can be so unkind to my child which I have called her out on before but she will point blank deny her behaviour and my mum chooses to ignore it. I have always thought the whole point of bridesmaids are to be your support network through the process of arranging a wedding and meant to be your nearest and dearest. I’m if being completely honest I just really don’t like her I know I must sound awful saying it.
I agree with associating flower girl with young children I think that’s why I’m stressing about it as there’s not really a way out of it as I am most likely going to cause more problems not having her. It just feels like in every important event in my life it’s been made about my mum or her.
Sorry it’s that TIM it just runs a lot deeper than me trying to create more drama I know the kinder thing to do is have her as one but it’s just not want I want.

Thank you so much Xx

Could you ask her to do something else like a reading or something? I agree though I wouldn’t have her as a bridesmaid if you really don’t want her and there’s a risk it will ruin your day.

Easiest thing is just to have your MOH and no bridesmaids - you can still have you friends join you for getting ready on the day, but no hassle if there's only the MOH, sister and mother can't claim she's being left out.

I can undertand your feelings in these respects OP. You are by no means being a bridezilla.

Unfortunately there is no guarantee we'll grow up to like our siblings. I'm lucky, I do. My DH isn't so fortunate. Those constant protestations on MN - 'you just don't LIKE her, do you?' - usually seem to imply some deficiency on the part of that person. Liking someone isn't a requirement and the reverse isn't a crime. Sometimes there are good reasons for it.

Keeping the peace can be a good strategy, but it's also helpful to recognise it's sometimes an exercise in futility. And from what you describe in your updates, including your younger sister to keep the peace with her and your mother does seem futile. Peace and love don't seem to have been much of a feature of the relationship to date between your elder siblings, your mum and your sister. And, if you believe including her as bridesmaid is unlikely to mend the schism between those two divided halves of your family, what's the point? (Mid-teens are also a bit old to be 'flower girls').

I would perhaps have a chat with your elder sisters and closest friends, and see what they advise. These are the people you want around you on your day. I don't think you should feel compelled to deviate from that, if you really don't want this.

Congratulations on your engagement.

NB. maybe friends could be around you in a supportive role and be with you on the day, but not necessarily as bridesmaids? As a friend I'd love this option as I have no desire to be one, but of course everyone's different.

Have four adult and two teenage bridesmaids is going to make it more of a snub to the sister you leave out.

The whole “your day your way” thing is all very well for people to say, but you have to live with the fall out.

In your shoes if either include your sister, have only the two teenagers and have the sister you’re close to do a reading, or just have your closest sister.

Are you sure you even want your mother there, her behaviour towards you would make me think of uninviting both of them

This

I think by excluding her you are putting a nail in the coffin of your relationship with her. It would be so humiliating at 16yo to be excluded from the wedding party, with everyone watching her 14 yo cousin take her place. You either have her or don't have bridesmaids I think, to exclude her and involve everyone else seems cruel.

The way you've described her, no, I wouldn't have her.

Tough shit. If she doesn't like it, too bad. You reap what you sow.

We don’t really have a relationship we rarely see or speak to each other. If you read my original post my 14 year old niece has agreed to be a flower maid I wouldn’t dream of having her and then not having my younger sister that would be cruel.

We don’t really have a relationship we rarely see or speak to each other. If you read my original post my 14 year old niece has agreed to be a flower maid I wouldn’t dream of having her and then not having my younger sister that would be cruel.

This has been so helpful, thank you :)