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Original poster

Inviting plus ones

26 replies

mc260 · 02/09/2023 12:38

AIBU? I'm getting married in July next year, and I planned on inviting 70 people to the wedding. I have a big family so some younger cousins I unfortunately can't invite. My family very understanding.

Talking to partners mum and was saying we hadn't included one of the cousins partners in the wedding as we haven't met him and even though they got engaged last week they only met 6 months ago. I don't have one of my cousins partners of over a year coming and there's some friends I want there but I can only give evening invites to. And I basically got told the family would be really upset and it's caused arguments before and they fell out with the cousins who's wedding it was.

I've also said that I'm trying to pick my bridesmaids, I have 4 nieces, 2 sisters and 2 children of my own and 2 very close best friends that I have been bridesmaids for that I need to pick between. I was explaining how tough it was and then got told again that it's unfair that his family isn't going to be part of the wedding and I should And I've said I'm having my son be part of my bridal party, and my partners only got three friends and it's up to him to include their family and have his sister be a grooms woman.

Is it okay to not invite this partner or have his sister who I'm not that close with as a bridesmaid?

OP posts:
MoonlightMuse · 02/09/2023 12:40

I always find it rather pathetic when grown ups get upset about not being a bridesmaid/groomsmen etc. I would save yourself the hassle and just have your children.

Acornsoup · 02/09/2023 12:46

I'm don't invite the partner and if it causes a falling out so be it.

Have your DC and best friends as your bridesmaids. You don't need to have DP's DS. Your DS can have their own DC in their own weddings.

It's your wedding OP not your DM's.

I hope you have a wonderful day Flowers

FloweryName · 02/09/2023 12:49

You don’t have to have his sister as a bridesmaid, but you do need to accept that she and his side of the family will feel understandably disappointed if you don’t.

Do you have to stick to 70 because you’ve already chosen the venue?

Personally I take the view that guests should be able to bring plus ones when a couple want a decent sized wedding, which you clearly do. When you go to big events like weddings, especially family ones, it’s much nicer to be able to share it all with your partner and usually make travel and accommodation easier and more cost effective too. If couples want the sort of wedding that needs guests then they should make the day as nice for their guests as possible.

UsingChangeofName · 02/09/2023 12:59

Of course it is fine.
The cousin can choose to come, or not to come - up to them. They obviously aren't going to be on their own, they will be with all the rest of the family.
Weddings are ridiculously expensive and very few people can afford to just add extra people in left right and centre.

Same with bridal party. It really is the bride's prerogative to ask whoever they want to. I personally am not a fan of it being a big gaggle of people anyway. The whole point of having a bridesmaid is that it is supposed to be just that "a maid, for the bride". Now, people don't take it so literally in the 21st Century, but they are still there to help you, and not create more stress and drama.
Yes, I was a bit disappointed not to be bridesmaid when my db got married, but I totally understood my SiL's thinking, and, given the numbers would have made the same decision as her.

randomusernam · 02/09/2023 13:22

Unless they are paying for the wedding they have no say on the invite list. I'd just be keeping it very simple and say we can't afford to invite plus ones for everyone. Unless I know you well and would invite you on your own you don't get an invite.

Original poster
mc260 · 02/09/2023 13:25

randomusernam · 02/09/2023 13:22

Unless they are paying for the wedding they have no say on the invite list. I'd just be keeping it very simple and say we can't afford to invite plus ones for everyone. Unless I know you well and would invite you on your own you don't get an invite.

No, they aren't paying for anything. We are paying for some and I'm very lucky my dad has put money to the side for it.

OP posts:
Riverlee · 02/09/2023 13:37

Traditionally, the bridesmaids were the brides side of the family. I don’t think you need to make her a bridesmaid. I would keep it simple- your children only. If you want to friends involved, instead of choosing between them, could they be usherettes?

Original poster
mc260 · 02/09/2023 14:21

FloweryName · 02/09/2023 12:49

You don’t have to have his sister as a bridesmaid, but you do need to accept that she and his side of the family will feel understandably disappointed if you don’t.

Do you have to stick to 70 because you’ve already chosen the venue?

Personally I take the view that guests should be able to bring plus ones when a couple want a decent sized wedding, which you clearly do. When you go to big events like weddings, especially family ones, it’s much nicer to be able to share it all with your partner and usually make travel and accommodation easier and more cost effective too. If couples want the sort of wedding that needs guests then they should make the day as nice for their guests as possible.

I feel like she should be my partners grooms woman as I already have a big family and I've said this to him, he just doesn't want her to be.

We reserved the venue a month ago and wrote out a guest list and planned caterers and numbers etc. We just paid the first deposit and they have got engaged the same week as we paid it and sent out our save the dates. Our families alone take up 50. She will also be with her brother, parents, her aunts a uncles and cousins, so she won't be alone. I just want to celebrate my wedding with people we both know.

OP posts:
WildFeathers · 02/09/2023 14:42

I would invite them if you could find a way. My sister got engaged with 6 months and married a year later and they’ve been married decades now. If not, I would message your cousin and say that unfortunately you don’t have the space to invite her new fiancé but you would love to meet him and get to know him and arrange a meal out together and say that if anyone can’t come then he’ll be the first one you extend an invite to. Are you having an evening do? If yes, definitely invite to that.
I wouldn’t have your future SIL as bridesmaid. If your fiancé was close to her then I’m sure he would want her involved on the grooms side. We all have opinions and preferences. You’ll never please everyone.

Original poster
mc260 · 02/09/2023 15:20

WildFeathers · 02/09/2023 14:42

I would invite them if you could find a way. My sister got engaged with 6 months and married a year later and they’ve been married decades now. If not, I would message your cousin and say that unfortunately you don’t have the space to invite her new fiancé but you would love to meet him and get to know him and arrange a meal out together and say that if anyone can’t come then he’ll be the first one you extend an invite to. Are you having an evening do? If yes, definitely invite to that.
I wouldn’t have your future SIL as bridesmaid. If your fiancé was close to her then I’m sure he would want her involved on the grooms side. We all have opinions and preferences. You’ll never please everyone.

He will definitely be invited to the evening, but it's not my cousin it's my partners cousin. I've only met the cousin twice and we don't have a relationship to message each other or go for dinner the 4 of us.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 02/09/2023 15:35

I would just have your own children as bridesmaids. Tbh I would invite the fiancee of an attendee it's rude not to

Uncooperativefingers · 03/09/2023 06:34

Honestly, with wedding stuff, just make your own (as acouple) decision and do it.

Everyone, literally everyone, wants to tell you how your wedding should be. Usually whilst uttering "it's your day". You just have to decide what to do and do it, otherwise your guest list will double, you'll be in a dress that's a compromise and your bridesmaids wil be more interested in what they want than providing you with support.

Uncooperativefingers · 03/09/2023 06:39

Oh and you'll also learn that everything you do ruffles someone's feathers ("I wouldn't do it like that"), so you just have to grow thick skin and start as you mean to go on. Eg don't give in to MIL

Seriously, my DP's friend complained we hadn't invited someone from primary school that he was still in touch with an we aren't. And a family member told us that they "wouldn't have chosen x to eat at the meal, if it was on a restaurant menu" as part of their rsvp!

Autieangel · 03/09/2023 07:26

Have who you want in the wedding party. I'd invite a cousins fiancé personally. It's 1 person and they are in a committed relationship. Otherwise have cousin and partner as evening only.

Prepare for some serious ownership issues from pil if you have children with this man.

CornishGem1975 · 03/09/2023 07:32

Just do what you want to do. If someone doesn't like it, they have the option not to go.

Saying that, when I got married a couple of years ago I invited "plus ones" if they were in a long term established relationship, regardless of whether I'd met them or not. Felt the right thing to do.

TerfTalking · 03/09/2023 07:41

I’m going through this with DD now whose planning her wedding.

IMO, say no to the cousin’s +1. You don’t know them. The cousin can sit with their family or decline.

Have only your DC as bridesmaids and possibly your two closest best friends if you can push to it. Nieces? Nah! Only two cousins made the cut to DDs invitation list.

DS is also planning his wedding, anyone who they haven’t seen for six months hasn’t made their cut!

DDs work colleague said the best advice she could give when planning a wedding is to grow a thick skin and accept someone will be offended.

weddingwaiting · 04/09/2023 07:47

I’m getting married in March OP and my wedding is a similar size to yours.

I cannot currently accommodate any additional guests for people that suddenly get into relationships within the next 6 months however I am prepared to do so once we get our RSVPs back and see if there is space.

could you not say something similar? “I’m sorry we cannot accommodate any extra guests at the moment however if we have some declines I would be happy to extend an invitation to your partner”

villamariavintrapp · 04/09/2023 09:18

It's your wedding so you get to decide what your priorities are. Some people choose to prioritise their guests' enjoyment, others choose to prioritise their own.

GR8GAL · 04/09/2023 15:21

Put the foot down. Its your day, not anyone else's. If people can't understand that, they're not the kind of family you need.

Greyfoot · 04/09/2023 15:36

I think it's poor when part of an established couple aren't invited. The only exception might be if you were inviting a group of school friends or colleagues

UsingChangeofName · 04/09/2023 15:49

It's your wedding so you get to decide what your priorities are. Some people choose to prioritise their guests' enjoyment, others choose to prioritise their own.

I presume this is intended as a snide way to say it is rude not to invite the cousin's new partner ?
It falls down rather though, as many of us are perfectly capable of enjoying ourselves without our partner.
Indeed, if you go off many MN threads, many people would hate to be invited to any sort of social function where they don't know the hosts, or (m)any of the other guests, so it is perfectly feasible that the cousin's partner wouldn't want to come anyway.

villamariavintrapp · 04/09/2023 16:06

@UsingChangeofName in my opinion it is rude to invite one half of a couple like that, yes. If the cousin's partner doesn't want to attend then they can decline, but by not inviting them you're not giving them that choice. That's fine, their cousin's partner isn't very important to them, and they're making that clear, but can't then be surprised when others are hurt by that decision.

Original poster
mc260 · 04/09/2023 16:12

villamariavintrapp · 04/09/2023 16:06

@UsingChangeofName in my opinion it is rude to invite one half of a couple like that, yes. If the cousin's partner doesn't want to attend then they can decline, but by not inviting them you're not giving them that choice. That's fine, their cousin's partner isn't very important to them, and they're making that clear, but can't then be surprised when others are hurt by that decision.

I would say the couple would need to have been together a year to call it an "established relationship" I started planning and writing the guest list in April after giving birth and they made their relationship official in March.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 04/09/2023 18:22

I'd agree @mc260

If you weren't inviting a partner the cousin had been living with for 20 years, then that is different.
I often think on MN that sometimes posters haven't faced the reality of what the post is about - in this case organising a wedding, on a normal budget, when you have a large family, and taking into account what virtually every venue charges per head once you mention the word 'wedding'.

gogomoto · 04/09/2023 18:31

I'd say with plus ones it should be all or none from a guest "type" eg either no cousin partners or all. Inviting some and not others based on the fact you consider 6 months early to be engaged is judgemental