NC with sister but parents want me to invite her

[Onceuponaheartache]

My sister is toxic. She is a first class narcissist and despite being 3 years younger has made my life hell for years.

She has spent years telling me off for how I parent my dd, we have very different styles. I have strict boundaries and expectations of behaviour where dd is concerned, she knows these and we very rarely have any issues other than the usual cheek or inappropriate sarcasm. My sister chooses a far more laid back approach, her way of dealing with poor behaviour is to delay with it in a "that behaviour makes mummy sad" way. Each to their own. She has her way and i have mine.

She constantly used to belittle me and undermine me where dd was concerned. It came to a head in 2019 and I had a go at her about it. Told her it was unacceptable to undermine me and whether she agreed with my rules or not is irrelevant. She can talk to me privately but she doesn't get to tell my dd to ignore my instructions because "mummy is being mean".

She basically told me I was a shit parent and she had every right to "protect" my dd.

I told her she could either keep her opinions to herself or stay out of my life. I have made no contact since. Every so often she will pull emotional blackmail out the bag and send messages about her kids missing my dd. Normally I ignore it but Xmas 2022 I pushed back and told her to keep her blackmail to herself. It went down like the proverbial fecal sandwich.

Dd sees her during school holidays, my parents take her to my sisters or she goes to them when my sister comes to my parents. I have never stopped them having a relationship with dd and I wouldn't. She will make her own choice when she is older. She adores her cousins so I am happy for my parents to facilitate the relationship. So her claim that they never see her is absolute BS.

I got engaged earlier this year and the wedding is booked for summer 2024. My parents are demanding I invite my sister and her family.

I don't want them there. I have no relationship with her or her family and honestly I don't want one.

There is a huge back story that includes being forced to have my BIL as dd's godfather because my sister kicked off, but when I mentioned that my then partner would drop me off at a family party she threw a hissy fit about it being her party and I was out of line demanding someone else was invited. I never even mentioned him coming, I just mentioned that we would be staying at a hotel locally and he would be dropping g me and dd off at the party. She assumed the rest and through a wobbly.

My mum is adamant I have to set things right because I am the eldest and my wedding needs to be some sort of family reunification.

I don't want the stress or agro.

Help me with advice on how to tackle this with mum because there is no way I am.inviting my sister but I don't want it to wind up as a row with mum!!

Unfortunately not til Sept 2024. Dd's school does a wrap around service but it ends at 445 and I don't finish work tol 530. There are no childminders who collect from dd's school, in fact there are none in the village at all. Fiance works too far away and dd's dad does 12 hour shifts so can't help on my days unfortunately.

From next year she will be at high school and the bus goes from outside our house so all childcare issues vanish at that point.

Agree with PP - don’t get into “yes but Emma has done x” - Emma isn’t invited. End of conversation. Keep repeating “I don’t have a relationship with Emma so of course she’s not invited to my wedding. I don’t want to discuss it, the day isn’t abour her.”

Thabk you ladies. I will update after the conversation...I am gonna try and get it over with on Friday.

Sooo..dd had a riding lesson thus morning and mum wanted to come along and buy her boots as a birthday gift (riding is a once in a while treat only).

Mum gave me an in over the topic as she was moaning about hotel rooms big enough for my sister and her family. I must have rolled my eyes, because she asked what was up. I simply told her that given my sisters behaviour it wouldn't be an issue as she wouldn't be getting an invite.

Said the last thing I wanted to do was upset her or my dad but it was my wedding and I don't want the drama or the stress of worrying about how she will behave, the anxiety oflver having to pretend all was OK or the stress of how her kids will behave or what they will do to upset someone.

I said I wasn't inviting anyone I don't have a relationship with.

She was silent and didn't say much after that.

Dad has just called me and at 43 I nearly shat my pants that he was ringing 🤣🤣. Turns out he butt dialed me so hopefully it will just all go away and she will take it on board.

Or hell might freeze over!!

Thank you for helping me get my thoughts straight folks. Much appreciated

I agree. That’s the decision we made with my in-laws. We’re low contact rather then no contact but the kids were not allowed to see them without us when young.

Well done! Now if she attempts to bring it up, say “We’ve had this discussion. I’m not going to change my mind, so please don’t stress yourself out unnecessarily.”
Further comments
“I want you to enjoy yourself on the day by focusing on the people who ARE there instead of being upset about people who are not. It’s going to be much easier if you accept this decision has been made.”

@Fraaahnces I am relieved its done with. She tried to say something so I just shut her down and said calmly that considering sister hasn't thanked me for her kids birthday gifts or wished me a happy birthday from the kids then she has confirmed her position that she has done nothing wrong.

I pointed out I didn't start this, but I also didn't have to pit up with her craopy behaviour.

I am really hoping that will be the end. However I suspect she will be on the phone to my sister to try and interfere

I had nothing to do with my brother. He was 6ft6 and obese, but the golden child. Mum wouldn’t believe he was totally drug-fucked. He pulled a knife on me and my 94y/o grandmother demanding money neither of us had. The police couldn’t (or wouldn’t) touch him because he had form for putting himself in a private mental hospital any time accountability was required (paid for by mum), so he was considered to be a “psychiatric patient”. According to mum, we “set him off…” We banned him from our wedding due to vile behaviour at our engagement party. OMG… she was a one track record. She acted as though she was paying for it and we were heartless, ungrateful shits. We paid for it all, and we made that clear to any potential “flying monkeys” that tried to bring it up. We had a lovely wedding and he got off his tits, crashed his van at high speed into a parked car, pushing it so hard into a power pole that it was written off. He was arrested. Best wedding present ever. *Of course she tried to paint it as him being devastated at not being allowed to come, but anyone who mattered knew the truth. Oh, and within six hours, he had “Heroically swerved to avoid hitting a possum”. (Australia.) This story is now legendary within my friend group and the awesome family members and friends.(Actually a lot of home truths came out because of this - far too many to elaborate, but very gratifying.)

Mum isn't that bad thankfully, she just doesn't like the agro.

There was an incident earlier this year where she was on the receiving end of my sisters crap behaviour so I think she reluctantly has some understanding.

I hope I made it clear to her that I am not wanting to put them in a position where they feel they have to make a choice between us because ultimately she is their daughter too and I understand this is hard for them. But I don't have to put up with or out myself in situations where I have to deal with her.

Nothing more has been said since yesterday. I am.not sure if that is a good thing...I keep waiting for the fall out.

I just thought to illustrate my empathy. I know my brother’s very different to your sister, it’s awful when everyone around you becomes an apologist and wants you to tolerate really bad behaviour for THEIR benefit.

Oh I know @Fraaahnces and I appreciate you sharing honestly!

I think my issue is I have spent so long just tolerating it and keeping the peace that when I put boundaries in place and follow through no one likes it.

Your wedding. Your guest list. Ergo, your choice of guests.

That is exactly it. You show them YOUR boundaries and you are being the difficult one. I started a thread a few months ago where I was being forced to go to my brothers wedding. He does not speak to me. He actively ignored me 4 days before his wedding in a social setting yet still somehow I was to just go and be there for the aesthetics without my partner. I was abused emotionally and mentally for weeks and months prior to this but I stuck to my guns so to speak and did not go. Since then I have seen all the family members who tried to manipulate me into going and have seen a different side to them all. They now realise I will not just bow down for family aesthetics ever again. It was so so hard for months but delighted with myself that I did not give in and go. YOu will feel the same once your day is done but families are the worst for mind fucking you. Be strong.

So she's, what? 10? Even at 9, she's certainly old enough to be getting herself to school and back, I don't know why she needs to be taken to school unless the school is very far away?

Her school is too far away

This thread really resonates as I had a very similar situation with my sister. We went very low contact for a good 3 or 4 years by the time I was getting married (very long story but sister was so terrible with her behaviour, I'd reached my limits). Neither of us liked each other and agreed it was best for us to not have much contact with the other. At which point my parents (more mam) was pushing and pushing to invite my sister. Mam pulled out all the stops with the silent treatment, cold behaviour, deliberately being uninterested in the wedding (except when the talk was around what she would be wearing etc). Mam and my sister are like the same people - self centred, not very empathetic, always right (narcs through and through). It pushed me to therapy and it was the best decision I ever made. My therapist helped me realise my place in the family unit (I'd always back down to keep the peace, never receiving an apology for awful behaviours, for their sakes putting my MH on the back burner) and she guided me through these situations by letting me know that by me setting boundaries, the bad behaviours of my mam were inevitable BUT that was down to her and I was not responsible for the way she treated me. It helped me stay firm in the many conversations I'd have with my mam about how she made me feel. My sister never got an invite and my mam simply had to suck it up. I stopped asking her what was wrong when she was giving the cold shoulder, and instead acted as though everything was fine - it was up to her how she wanted to behave, I didn't have to "save" the situation and make everything OK. If she asked about my sister being invited, I simply replied "no, I don't want to talk about this anymore" and changed the subject. If she kept pushing I'd simply leave the room to go to the toilet or get a drink - and continue to change the subject and ignore what she was pushing for. It's emotionally exhausting but you have to ask what your sister brings to your life. Is it worth giving in just to make others happy (and you deeply unhappy)? I think you're doing the right thing, as hard as it must be for your parents. Sorry this is long, I just wanted to share as I completely understand what you're going through. Rock and hard place comes to mind.

Thanks @BippityBoppityBooHooHoo I appreciate you sharing.

I have been telling mum for years that this situation has been caused by my sister and it is in her court to resolve. I am not about to back down on this one.