NC with sister but parents want me to invite her

[Onceuponaheartache]

My sister is toxic. She is a first class narcissist and despite being 3 years younger has made my life hell for years.

She has spent years telling me off for how I parent my dd, we have very different styles. I have strict boundaries and expectations of behaviour where dd is concerned, she knows these and we very rarely have any issues other than the usual cheek or inappropriate sarcasm. My sister chooses a far more laid back approach, her way of dealing with poor behaviour is to delay with it in a "that behaviour makes mummy sad" way. Each to their own. She has her way and i have mine.

She constantly used to belittle me and undermine me where dd was concerned. It came to a head in 2019 and I had a go at her about it. Told her it was unacceptable to undermine me and whether she agreed with my rules or not is irrelevant. She can talk to me privately but she doesn't get to tell my dd to ignore my instructions because "mummy is being mean".

She basically told me I was a shit parent and she had every right to "protect" my dd.

I told her she could either keep her opinions to herself or stay out of my life. I have made no contact since. Every so often she will pull emotional blackmail out the bag and send messages about her kids missing my dd. Normally I ignore it but Xmas 2022 I pushed back and told her to keep her blackmail to herself. It went down like the proverbial fecal sandwich.

Dd sees her during school holidays, my parents take her to my sisters or she goes to them when my sister comes to my parents. I have never stopped them having a relationship with dd and I wouldn't. She will make her own choice when she is older. She adores her cousins so I am happy for my parents to facilitate the relationship. So her claim that they never see her is absolute BS.

I got engaged earlier this year and the wedding is booked for summer 2024. My parents are demanding I invite my sister and her family.

I don't want them there. I have no relationship with her or her family and honestly I don't want one.

There is a huge back story that includes being forced to have my BIL as dd's godfather because my sister kicked off, but when I mentioned that my then partner would drop me off at a family party she threw a hissy fit about it being her party and I was out of line demanding someone else was invited. I never even mentioned him coming, I just mentioned that we would be staying at a hotel locally and he would be dropping g me and dd off at the party. She assumed the rest and through a wobbly.

My mum is adamant I have to set things right because I am the eldest and my wedding needs to be some sort of family reunification.

I don't want the stress or agro.

Help me with advice on how to tackle this with mum because there is no way I am.inviting my sister but I don't want it to wind up as a row with mum!!

Tell your Mum if she wants to attend the wedding then she has to stop pushing for an invite for your sister, otherwise you will cut her off too. It’s your wedding, you’re paying for it, you’re entitled to invite who you want.

Just tell your Mum it's your wedding day and you don't want the distress of having your sister and her family there. I'd say your parents will get invitations and must choose to come or not to come but you don't want to hear another word about the sister who has enjoyed making your life harder for you. If they keep on about it I'd go low contact with dMum too until she respects your decision.

Your mum can ”demand” and be “adamant” all she likes. It’s your wedding and your guest list, and your mother shouldn’t be trying to use your wedding as a way to somehow force a reconciliation.

Stick to your guns. I can understand you don’t want a row with your mum, but if she causes one it won’t be your fault and you’ll just have to keep repeating calmly- no, sister is not invited and that’s the end of it. Don’t get drawn into justifying your decision or explaining yourself. Broken record technique.

Sister is not invited.
But but but…..
Sister is not invited.
waah waah threats tears shouting guilt tripping
Sister is not invited.
You are a terrible person how could you do this
Sister is not invited.

Make sure everyone in the family knows she’s not invited, in case your mother plans to bring her along anyway.

Is your mother paying for your wedding?

I'm presuming not.

Mum, it is my wedding and I will choose who I invite and if you continue to make a fuss and not respect my boundaries then you may find you are also not invited.

Horrible situation to be in and I am NC with my brother and got it the other way around, emotional blackmail into attending the wedding of someone who does not speak to me. I held my ground and did not go as it would have been awkward all round. Keep telling your family that you are NC with her, she is not getting and invite and you will not talk about it again. I nearly landed in hospital from the pressure my family put me under.

They have no right to 'demand' that you do anything. I am the eldest too and am NC with my brother so I really feel for you. Oh of course it would be much more convenient for everyone else if you invited your sister and decided to play happy families, but what about your feelings? You're sticking to your guns and refusing to brush things under the carpet and good for you

No, no and no. Why on earth would you invite. Given the history your sister will ruin your wedding.

Don't give in. You are nc with your sister and she doesn't need to be invited to your wedding.

Be a broken record and keep saying no. Shut the conversation down and leave/hang up if she doesn't stop.

If she says she won't attend without your sister, simply tell her that is her choice. However, snubbing your wedding is not something you would forget and if she values a relationship with you and your children to think carefully first.

No.
You won’t come then? That’s a pity.
No.
I won’t be bullied into changing my mind.
I would love you to attend, but she’s not welcome.

Hold your ground - you don’t want to spend time with your sister normally, why would she be at your wedding?

I can see why your parents want to heal the family rift, but why use your wedding over a year in the future to do it? Do they actually want to heal the family rift or do they want to save face to wider family who will ask “where’s [sister]?”

one thing I think you’ve got wrong though is allowing your DD to have a relationship with your sister, if your sister is too toxic to be tolerated in your life, why is it ok for your dd to be exposed to that without you there to protect her? I would go the other way - your dd only gets to talk to your sister when you are there to be able to hear what’s said, correct anything wrong she is told and remove her if you feel the situation isn’t suitable for her. If that means she doesn’t see your sister until she’s an adult who can leave when she wants, so be it.

I think your mum has an absolute cheek wanting to use your wedding as some kind of family reunion. Have you asked her why she is trying to make such an important day for you about your sister, who you are NC with?

I do think you need to focus- if your mum really really wanted to patch things up, she wouldn’t be waiting for your wedding next year, she’d be trying something now.

this really is about trying to save face in front of wider family and friends, being able to show people her dds wedding photos without people asking where other dd is in the photos etc.

it might also be worth thinking if lots of wider family will be there who don’t know you have fallen out with your sister, you might spend a lot of your wedding fielding questions about where she is and why you don’t speak anymore and could you patch things up. Might be worth throwing an engagement party to get that over and done with.

You have to face facts. Your mum has never had your back. Otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation

She has enabled your sisters behaviour all these years. Your sister is a twat. But your parents have allowed her to abuse you all this time

In all honestly I would say one last time. She's not coming. And if you're not happy you don't have to come either.

I agree with pp. this isn't about healing the family unit. She can't allow extended family members to see the rift in her family and ask questions about why your sisters not there.

She has no interest in helping you and your sisters relationship.

The apple didn't fall far from the tree, did it? Your sister and mother are very similar.

Are your parents paying for the wedding?

Apologies for the delay, on a break between jobs and have spent it with dd and her friends.

To answer questions...no my parents are not paying towards the wedding at all. They offered and I refused as I didn't want them having a hold.

There will be no wider family and very few friends who know my sister thankfully so it isn't about saving face. I think mum just doesn't want her left out.

Mum has tried all sorts over the years, and I push back with "do you have a pop at Emma (not her name) about this given she is the one who caused it" and she always says no.

She has always been able to manipulate me.

I had a bit of a breakdown last year after losing 5 people I eas very close to including my nest friend. I received some amazing bereavement counselling and in amongst that was a lot of unpicking of my relationship with mum. It gave me a degree of power back to be able to say no to her like when she tried to insist that I needed to talk to her about things etc. I felt really rude but I simply told her that she wasn't the person I needed to talk to. I needed x, y and z and she wasn't in The position to give that.

The poster who said the apple is absolutely right, they are the same person at different ages.

My sister is only a problem to dd when I am there because she starts with the knowing the best way to parent etc and it's all her way or the highway. She isn't nasty directly to dd so although I understand why it has been said I am not going to punish dd and remove her relationship with her cousins at thus point.

My sister had a similar flip out at my mum earlier in the year, she properly ipped her lid about anyone daring to tell her kids off (mum was looking after them) Mum said something to her about being stricter on their behaviour and had her head handed to her. She tried to moan at me about it and got a but miffed when my response was "Spes Emma understand the definition of irony" and "well now you know why I want nothing to do with her"

I don't want to put my parents in a position where they feel like they have to choose between us. Ultimately the issue is between my sister and I and has nothing to do with them. I kept the peace for years whilst my nan was alive and now I don't need to. So whilst I am.not out to create an argument I am setting boundaries where I need to to hell with anyone who doesn't like it.

Just need to figure out the right way to approach it with my mum so it doesn't result in world war 3, especially as she helps out with school runs so that I can work.

Oh I feel for you. I have the same type of family. Hold your ground, be sturdy and staunch in your responses but give no further explanation than you are not in contact with her and do not wish to have her there. I know how manipulative families can be and it hurt me so much but I am the other end of it now and will never bow down to them again but I learned that silence is the best response. Good luck OP. It is not an easy year you have ahead x

"Mum, we have done the guest list for the wedding. Emma is not invited. This is my wedding to (fiance). It is our day. It is not about anything else. Please do not mention Emma in the context of the wedding. I don't want to hear it, it will upset me. I don't want to fall out with you about this, so can we agre that the subject is closed?"

I think dpmething similar to this is probably the best approach. So thank you for helping me form the words!!

I have always maintained that Emma is still dd's aunt. She has hurt me but never hurt dd so I ensure dd still sends birthday cards etc to both her cousins and my sister.

My sister has chosen not to return that courtesy so I may also use that as a way in with mum.

I'm thinking of going with something along the lines of...

Up until recently, I was prepared to suck it up but given she couldn't even send a card from her kids for my birthday, Emma has cemented her position and therefore I see no reason to invite her to the wedding. I am sorry if that upsets you. But as you and everyone keeps telling me, this wedding is about me and Fiancé and we should only invite who we want to share the day with. I don't want to share it with her, I don't want the stress of the awkward moments, I don't want the stress of how her kids will behave and therefore we won't be inviting her. I appreciate this is not what you wanted but I also hope that you can respect this decision and won't keep trying to change our minds.

Honestly, I know you're feeling the need to defend yourself to your mum and aggrieved about your sister's behaviour but I would try to avoid getting into a tally of rights and wrongs. Because for your mum that's not what it's about- she just wants you both to make up. So if you can avoiding gettjng into that conversation and just focus on what you want for your wedding.

I hope I wouldn’t behave this way, but I kind of get your Mum’s POV. I’d be devastated if this happened with my girls.

Your mum needs to accept that your wedding isn't a useful opportunity for family reunification, it's your wedding and that's that. You control the guest list, not her, and you've completely given up responding to emotional blackmail, no matter who it's coming from.

Stand your ground.

'Honestly, I know you're feeling the need to defend yourself to your mum and aggrieved about your sister's behaviour but I would try to avoid getting into a tally of rights and wrongs.'

I agree. You're just giving your mum arguments to get her teeth into and you will have to deal with a list of 'but but but' which will undermine your feelings even further. Stand your ground, say no and refuse to discuss it further

can you find an alternative to your mum for school runs??
as long as you 'need' her she will be in a position to push your boundaries...

even if its just a theoretical option. it will free you...

i also wouldn't ho into ehys and wherefores.... just you don't want her there.... end of...
this is your wedding....only you, dp and dc are essential ..
everyone else should be peoplewho make you smile to see them!

Yeah you all probably have a point.

I just don't want to upset her any more than I have to!

Dd is my only, but she has an older brother and sister via her dad. The 3 of them are inseparable and I am still close to them (they are invited to the evening do along with their dad as he is a friend) so I absolutely get why mum wants everything to be fixed. I would be devastated if and my stepkids didn't speak. And whilst I would like to think I would handle it differently I would probably try and encourage them to fix things too.

I know mum isn't doing it to be nasty. She just hates the situation. She wants things fixed. I just know thus will never be fixed and I don't want my wedding ruined by the drama. Even if it is just the drama of me being on edge and Emma does nothing wrong on the day