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Original poster

What should I do, children not invited to ex’s wedding.

35 replies

Twinmummabear · 02/07/2023 14:32

I have 10yr old twin girls. Their father and I have been separated 7 years this year. We do not have an amicable relationship and we have a court order in place. In 2018, my ex met his partner and not long after they moved in together. 3 nights of the week our twins spend it with him and his partner.
I received an Email back in April regarding their wedding on the 17th July, to make changes to arrangements already in place.
Yesterday I learned from him that our twins are not invited as it is a small wedding. Our oldest son (20) will be. He had not told them and one thought she was a bridesmaid.
Now in August they are having a wedding party on what would be my court ordered days, I did state in April I would make the twins available to attend. However, now I feel like if they’re not invited to the wedding, why should I allow them to go to the party, that all the friends are invited to, if they didn’t want to have them there, sharing a special day, not just for my ex and his soon to be wife, but also becoming officially their step mum. Advice would be most appreciated.

OP posts:
goingmadnow · 02/07/2023 14:34

I think just let them go to the party. You're only spiting the kids otherwise

GoodChat · 02/07/2023 14:36

Yeah you're going to spite everyone to satisfy your own feelings. That's a crap way of doing things for your children.

Can you ask DS to ask why the girls aren't invited?

RedHelenB · 02/07/2023 14:39

They'd probably prefer just the party after.

WonderfulUsername · 02/07/2023 14:41

You do what the most important people in all this want and that's obviously your 10 year old children.

LongLiveGoblingKing · 02/07/2023 14:41

You can't keep them from going to the party, they'd never forgive you.

As it is they will also never forgive their dad. My dad got remarried and only had one of his 4 children there (not me) because they wanted a small wedding. These are not the actions of nice people. Your daughters will think he's an arse forevermore.

Wishitsnows · 02/07/2023 14:44

Poor kids, what dad would not invite his daughters to his wedding! They will never forget it especially as they thought they would be bridesmaids

MrsClusterduck · 02/07/2023 14:44

I’d let the girls decide if they want to go.

Make it clear your ex needs to explain to his DD’s why they can’t come to his wedding. That’s not on you.

i was 10 when my mother married my stepfather and also not invited along with all but one of my siblings. Lived with her full time and was expected to accept him as stepdad. Pretty sure it was because she didn’t want his family to see how many kids she had from her previous marriages! Horrible woman.

InceyWinceySpidy · 02/07/2023 14:47

LongLiveGoblingKing · 02/07/2023 14:41

You can't keep them from going to the party, they'd never forgive you.

As it is they will also never forgive their dad. My dad got remarried and only had one of his 4 children there (not me) because they wanted a small wedding. These are not the actions of nice people. Your daughters will think he's an arse forevermore.

This.

I'd be really cross for the girls too, and it's hard not to want to act the way you are contemplating, however, the best thing you can do is nothing, and let them go to the party. They are going to see pretty quickly that mum supports everything and dad let's us down, and they won't forget that.

Sycasmores · 02/07/2023 14:48

You will only come out this looking awful OP. You need to make the party positive for your poor kids. You're really letting your own spite get in the way here.

InTheMiddleOfIt · 02/07/2023 14:55

We didn't invite our own kids to our wedding.

I don't think its be necessarily wrong to have not invited them - it depends on how small it is and the logistics. If it's really small and involves nipping into a registry office (like mine was) then they aren't missing out on much. It's arguably more important to go to the party - you would be mean and manipulative to not let them go.

You attitude will have a huge influence on how your girls feel about this. You can choose to make them feel bad if you want.

Ourladycheesusedatum · 02/07/2023 14:56

If the twins want to go to the party, then they should go.

As pp have said. It wont be long now until they realise they weren't invited to the wedding. And that will have repercussions later for their dad.

FWIW I was incredibly angry when my ex remarried and didnt even tell our children he was marrying, let alone invite them. I never even told the children after I knew (which was weeks after the wedding) but still they are estranged. No contact between children and dad now for more than 10 years.

I think it came out that he remarried about a year after the wedding and that really upset my children, hence the no contact.

Mariposista · 02/07/2023 14:59

Ouch this is really not nice.
If they were 2, I would understand a bit more - they would be too little to understand and would need a chaperone (not their mother) to be with them all through the day. But at 10 they know how to behave, and appreciate being part of their Dad's big day. This is mean. But yes, it's not really on for you to not 'let' them go to the party.

Tiredalwaystired · 02/07/2023 15:02

InTheMiddleOfIt · 02/07/2023 14:55

We didn't invite our own kids to our wedding.

I don't think its be necessarily wrong to have not invited them - it depends on how small it is and the logistics. If it's really small and involves nipping into a registry office (like mine was) then they aren't missing out on much. It's arguably more important to go to the party - you would be mean and manipulative to not let them go.

You attitude will have a huge influence on how your girls feel about this. You can choose to make them feel bad if you want.

How old were your kids?

From your perspective they weren’t missing out on much. For them this had the potential to feel a much bigger slight. If it hadn’t bothered them then I would say you’ve dodged a bullet and been pretty lucky.

MumblesParty · 02/07/2023 15:10

I think it depends on the wedding. If it’s literally a handful of adults having a meal with adult chitchat after a registry office legal ceremony, then I’m not surprised your ex hasn’t invited two 10 year olds. If it’s a proper party with cake and a disco and lots of people, then it’s awful that they’re not invited.

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 02/07/2023 15:12

We had this with my dad.

1st remarriage and me and my sister were 9 and 10. He told us we were bridesmaids and coming on the honeymoon with them. Mum told us not to get our hopes up. She was right.

Your twins won't forget this.

Totaly · 02/07/2023 15:16

My father remarried and didn’t invite us either - you don’t forget!

StephanieSuperpowers · 02/07/2023 15:16

MumblesParty · 02/07/2023 15:10

I think it depends on the wedding. If it’s literally a handful of adults having a meal with adult chitchat after a registry office legal ceremony, then I’m not surprised your ex hasn’t invited two 10 year olds. If it’s a proper party with cake and a disco and lots of people, then it’s awful that they’re not invited.

They're his iwn children though, they should be the very first people he invites. Who is more important than them? Some friends?

OP, let them go if they want to. But it's up to him to tell them why he's not asking them to play their rightful role in his wedding.

Original poster
Twinmummabear · 02/07/2023 15:33

Thank you everyone. I was on the fence, more so because of how upset they were and one thinking she was a bridesmaid, also upset that it was myself having to tell them instead of dad. I keep contact to an absolute bare minimum with their dad and do not ask for any details. I’m just going with the information he supplied in email.

They are getting to an age now where they are seeing for themselves how dad can be. All I can do is support them in the best unbiased way I can.

OP posts:
AlfietheSchnauzer · 02/07/2023 19:59

goingmadnow · 02/07/2023 14:34

I think just let them go to the party. You're only spiting the kids otherwise

@goingmadnow @GoodChat No, it's her ex spiting the kids not OP!!!

GoodChat · 02/07/2023 20:00

@AlfietheSchnauzer it'd be her spiting them to not allow them to go to the party if they want to

goingmadnow · 02/07/2023 20:01

@AlfietheSchnauzer Yeah to not let them go to the party is spiting them.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 02/07/2023 20:01

@Twinmummabear Personally I'd stop contact and go back to court for that! Like a PP said, these are not the actions of a good person/father. Your girls are better off without him

GoodChat · 02/07/2023 20:03

AlfietheSchnauzer · 02/07/2023 20:01

@Twinmummabear Personally I'd stop contact and go back to court for that! Like a PP said, these are not the actions of a good person/father. Your girls are better off without him

And this is why men claim women have too much power with regards to custody. It's not a reason to stop contact.

Screamingabdabz · 02/07/2023 20:09

GoodChat · 02/07/2023 20:03

And this is why men claim women have too much power with regards to custody. It's not a reason to stop contact.

Show quote history

But he clearly doesn’t give a flying shit about them or their feelings. He’s only going to break their hearts. So in the case I agree - his behaviour doesn’t demonstrate any strong parental rapport so why bother carrying on the charade and expose them to more damaging bullshit.

goingmadnow · 02/07/2023 21:35

And what would you say to court - they haven't been invited to the small boring wedding ceremony but have been invited to the big fun party after ?! I'm sure a judge would agree it's a reason to stop contact.

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