Eloped for visa purposes. Now planning a wedding celebration - vows?

[OatMilkLattes]

Hi,

I posted a while ago under a different name that we were planning on doing this but had to have the thread deleted because people were so mean. So I’ll start out by saying, please don't be cruel! This is not the way I wanted to get married and we are trying to make the best of it.

We eloped (no one knows) a few months back for visa reasons. We couldn’t afford a wedding of any kind, not even a meal (and that’s not what we wanted tbh!), we were in the process of moving around the world. The entire situation was stressful but transactional and was a means to an end.

We are now saving and planning for our wedding celebration. We are planning for two years time, so exactly 10 years after we got together. I just wanted to know if anyone else has done this? What sort of vows did you say? How did you make it feel like a real celebration?

to make clear - I don’t want to plan a 10 year celebration party. I want to plan a wedding celebration. A celebration of our marriage, exchange of vows/rings that we didn’t get to do in front of our family. I’m not saying it’s going to be a ‘real’ wedding. But it’s going to (hopefully) feel like a wedding with a few of the traditions.

We are only short of money now as we have moved country. It’s expensive but we’ll be back on track with finances very soon and able to save for the celebration that we/our families want.

Thank you for those suggesting calling it a 10 year party. But it’s not what I was asking!

I'm totally lost. You're married. It doesn't seem like that's a secret as you already told your family that's what you'd probably have to do (although I'm sure in your previous thread you said your family would be devastated if they knew you'd got married without them there.) You can't get legally married in the UK or Europe when you're already married. You don't want a traditional marriage anyway. So just find a celebrant and do a blessing, keeping as close to the actual ceremony as you'd like and they allow.
I really don't understand what the problem is.

more importantly, very big thank you to all those who have shared stories of the same situation. It’s making me feel better that others have gone through the same. Xxx

Okay, so, are you getting the ceremony led by a religious minister or any other type of celebrant including humanist etc? If so they will provide you with the appropriate vows to use given the circumstances.

I don’t know what thread you’re referring to? It’s now been deleted and was under a different name.

yes some of my family would be sad if they didn’t get to see us marry. Which is why I said we would do a separate event if we had to elope so no one missed out.

you might not understand what the problem is but for us we are worried it wouldn’t feel special. That’s why I was asking for advice or stories of others who have done the same.

OP I did this - two years to the day after our tiny lockdown wedding at which we had had no guests and no meal, no photographs, no anything. We did the whole thing again with a humanist celebrant, readings, ceremony, rings, meal etc. All our family and friends came and celebrated with us and it was honestly a lovely day. I don’t regret it at all. And luckily none of my friends were miserable bores like the PP being negative - I’m sure your friends will enter into the spirit too. Enjoy your day.

Sounds beautiful. Glad you got to celebrate with your loved ones and it was special. Thank you xxx

In reply to @Gensola xx

Having a wedding a couple of years after the paperwork has been done is not a big deal. If that's what you want, then go for it and do the whole rings, flowers, big dress and walk down the aisle thing.

Just be honest about what it is.

You won't be the first or the last to have the legal bit reg office and the party bit of a wedding on different days, it sseems easy to understand.

It's your day, have the vows you want that mean something to you both and stuff convention. Anyone that loves you will be overjoyed to celebrate with you, whatever that looks like.

We did similar-ish op.
We were living overseas and planned to get married in the UK, however, as dh wasn't going to be in the country for long enough beforehand, we couldn't actually legally get married in the UK, which is bonkers as we're both British!!
Anyway, had a very simple marriage ceremony by a celebrant in the country we were living in, only told immediate family and then got 'married' in the UK with our family and friends 2 months later. Not sure any of them realised it wasn't a legal ceremony and no one was bothered if they did (as far as im aware!) it was nice to celebrate with everyone.

Wedding blessings and renewals are fairly common, so you should be able to get ideas for things like vows if you Google renewal/blessing.

Will you be letting your guests know you are already married?id rather know as a guest, but it wouldn’t make me feel less likely to go or anything, especially knowing your reasons for wanting the renewal .

I got married abroad (own reasons, just me and dh, family very supportive, etc) and had a blessing less than a month later. It was a church blessing and then a big party. It was basically like a wedding in terms of vows, etc and our rings were blessed - some people chose to exchange rings/new rings at that point. The party was like an evening wedding party, we had cake etc and we wore our wedding attire. We had bridesmaid, best man, ushers, etc. The fact that it wasn’t the actual wedding made no difference to our guests - everyone came and celebrated with us as if it was our wedding. We didn’t have a gift list/money request as such but pretty much every guest bought us presents, as if it was our actual wedding., but this wasn’t requested or even hinted at.

We are talking some 25 years ago now and people really didn’t mind it wasn’t the actual wedding, they just wanted to celebrate with us. I’d have felt wrong not telling them the truth though.

I have family in France, and it is also common there to get married at the local Mairie and the follow up with a big church ceremony a few days/weeks later.

No-one cares that the couple were legally married in the mayor's office some time earlier as that's considered just the paperwork.

Go for it!

We went to a fabulous wedding a few years ago in an Irish castle. They had had a civil ceremony in Australia (Bride was an Aussie) as the visa was going to be an issue otherwise.

The vows were a celebration of their love and commitment in front of family and friends.

They saw it as a true public declaration as opposed to a bit of legal paperwork.

Go for it!

I did this, I felt like you as we got married purely for visa purposes. We were already planning our wedding but my visa caused problems so we married quietly with only my parents knowing, the celebrant did a blessing and kept the wording as close to a marriage ceremony as she found without lying!
I got the day I wanted but not the marriage and it all fell apart, real wedding dates came out and some people felt annoyed as they had spent money to come to a wedding, not just a celebration party, I get this as people do like to know what they are attending snd make choices.

with the benefit of hindsight I wish I’d just had a party or made it known it was a blessing

I don’t understand the negativity. Good friends of ours had been married at the registry office and then a few years later went to Las Vegas to have a big wedding party where an Elvis impersonator married them. They wanted to be married and then they wanted the wedding of their dreams. There’s nothing wrong with there being a gap between the two events.

OP, it’s your wedding, plan it however you both want to. It’s a celebration of two people and their families becoming one big family.

Genuinely don’t understand the people saying you need to “come clean”. If anyone here is someone who would actually care that they were already legally married when having this wedding, can you explain why? If your family would like to attend your wedding I don’t see anything wrong with this at all? If you want to keep the elopement secret that’s your business. Have a lovely wedding and ignore the people being weird. Loads of people have a low key legal bit then another exchanging of vows at a bigger do

My sister did similar - only a 3 month gap between the legal wedding and the celebration but it all worked.

the celebration was a full wedding - white dress, celebrant, cake, the works. everyone treated it as the wedding and was delighted to be part of it.

this event that you are planning is your public vows - the bit where you make your love and commitment in public for all your friends and family to hear and be part of. you've already done some legal paperwork, but make the celebration your real wedding.

OP I think you're getting an incredible hard time here and a lot of (some wilful) misunderstanding understanding from many posters who don't understand some of the complexities that can come from cross cultural/nationality couples and marriages.

Legal marriage (whilst yes being legal) doesn't count for nearly as much socially (and so presumably with and your loved ones/family and friends) as what you consider your wedding. So many friends and family of mine have had to have a legal wedding before their actual wedding because what counts as a wedding in their culture/traditions isn't what is considered legally marrying in England. Not one person has felt cheated. They know what the couples considers their wedding day, what is actually the public declaration of love, the rest is all just paperwork. Anyone who's outraged isn't enough of a loved one to be part of your special day in the first place.

I am a celebrant and this is exactly the type of ceremony I love. What a lot of strange answers. So many people during covid were I a similar situation to you and they went on to have a legal cerwmo t followed by the bif cerwmony/formal wedding ceremony when restricrions allowed. Some of these wedding are the most beautiful and hugely emotional particularly when the path hasn't been smooth.
I think it is a lovely idea and my advice would be find yourself a celebrant who feels a good fit for you and let them help with ideas and have fun!!! X

Just have a big party. Make it really special by focusing on fabulous food and entertainment for your guests. Skip the vows, they will seem self-indulgent given you are already married. Do have some (short) speeches and toasts.

I've been to one renewal-of-vows and one slap-up-party-cos-we-married-last-year-in-secret. The former was cringe and even boak in places but the latter was fantabulous. The "bride" was able to really celebrate with us because there wasn't a "wedding" script to follow.

yeah, exactly all that. My cousin did something extremely similar, the "party wedding" was a year after the legal wedding. It was a great wedding/party. The official was suddenly very ill on the day & someone else had to step in to officiate, so very lucky they were already truly married.

If you think anyone will be an arsehole about the fact it’s not a “real wedding” just don’t invite them. i had to change my ceremony last minute to do the legal bit elsewhere so I hired a lovely celebrant to make the ceremony appear as “real” as possible. She got a certificate for us to sign with our witnesses and I’m not sure anyone knew. If they did nobody was rude enough to have a tantrum about it - the whole situation was incredibly difficult for me already so I’m glad I didn’t have arseholes at my wedding.

Have the day you want. Have “self indulgent” vows and readings and whatever else you want to have. Life is short and people who love you will love to come and celebrate with you

it sounds great tbh

and I wouldn't mind if the occassion was 'just' vows and a celebration.

most people imo come to weddings for the dress, fotos of the happy couple, cake and a piss up.

all the best!

Thanks so much all for the kind messages and encouragement!

xxx