Eloped for visa purposes. Now planning a wedding celebration - vows?

[OatMilkLattes]

Hi,

I posted a while ago under a different name that we were planning on doing this but had to have the thread deleted because people were so mean. So I’ll start out by saying, please don't be cruel! This is not the way I wanted to get married and we are trying to make the best of it.

We eloped (no one knows) a few months back for visa reasons. We couldn’t afford a wedding of any kind, not even a meal (and that’s not what we wanted tbh!), we were in the process of moving around the world. The entire situation was stressful but transactional and was a means to an end.

We are now saving and planning for our wedding celebration. We are planning for two years time, so exactly 10 years after we got together. I just wanted to know if anyone else has done this? What sort of vows did you say? How did you make it feel like a real celebration?

also we didn’t exchange rings. So we will do that during this wedding. I’m hoping that will make it special!

A lot will depend on the venue for the ceremony/celebration. Is it in a church? Or at a private venue or your own home?

I'm not posting to be cruel but honestly hosting a wedding 2 years after you've actually got married seems bonkers. Why not just hold a party to celebrate the 10 year milestone?

I appreciate you didn't want to get married this way but you're married and holding a ceremony, exchanging rings and having a big fancy do won't change the fact you're already married.

sigh. I know it won’t change the fact we’re married. We just think it’ll be nice to have a day to celebrate with friends, family, have photos, say vows. All the things we missed out on.

We are either looking at a city location (rooftop) or a beach!

Will your guests believe they are attending an actual wedding, or will you tell them you're already married?

Do your guests know your married? The pictures, rings ecr are all lovely but they still won't be from your wedding. Why not have a party instead. That way you still get al the bits you want but no one is pretending it's something it's not.

I hope i'm wrong, but I think OP is going to try and pretend to her guests that this is the "real" wedding. Otherwise it seems odd that they haven't told anyone. We eloped (no one knows) a few months back for visa reasons.

I’m already regretting this 😂

We both told our families that we may need to elope for the visa. At that point we weren’t sure if we would need to or not. They were all sad because it meant they wouldn’t get to attend a proper wedding. So I said we would still continue to plan a larger celebration. No one asked about the elopement since then (maybe they could tell I was upset) and we just did it without letting anyone know.

I dont think any of our small guest list care if this is ‘real’ or not. My dad, for example, said he just wants to walk me down the aisle.

Anyway, already regretting this. Please if anyone has actually been through this then I would appreciate advice.

I think this sounds lovely. I'd have a celebrant, a couple of readings, vows you write for each other and exchange rings, with a toast at the end and a round of applause. Of course it will be 'real' - it won't have legal status but who cares! You've been together 10 years - well worth celebrating.

Do you know anyone who could play live music- guitar, violin, accordion??

Unless you're going to come clean that you're already married and it's effectively a vow renewal you're asking for trouble.

We got married at a small register office thrn had a ceremony at the big wedding reception. That really didn't work. I do think, oddly enough, you need a formal 'entrance' to the ceremony somehow. I think its nice if you both have your supporters around you as you enter.

I think you need to be honest with your guests otherwise you may end up annoying some people as they may feel deceived. Maybe you could add some words to the invite that explain the situation, along the lines of "we had to do the legal bit already but now we'd like to invite you all to celebrate our marriage" etc etc.

I like this poem...

"For Keeps" by Joy Harjo
Sun makes the day new.
Tiny green plants emerge from earth.
Birds are singing the sky into place.
There is nowhere else I want to be but here.
I lean into the rhythm of your heart to see where it will take us.
We gallop into a warm, southern wind.
I link my legs to yours and we ride together,
Toward the ancient encampment of our relatives.
Where have you been? they ask.
And what has taken you so long?
That night after eating, singing, and dancing
We lay together under the stars.
We know ourselves to be part of mystery.
It is unspeakable.
It is everlasting.
It is for keeps.”

Sorry about the link lol

I'm not sure why you're regretting it. There is a very big chance at least some of your guests will feel misled or confused about the situation even if they don't feel able to speak up and say so to you in public.

This can all be avoided with having a party to celebrate being together 10 years instead of a wedding ceremony. You can still do the vows and rings etc and say you'd like people to witness them as this wasn't possible at the time but then there is no ambiguity about it actually being a wedding.

This

My DB and SIL did this, but the other way around. She is from the US but they were living in the UK. They married in the UK and myself and my parents went to the register office and then a nice meal afterwards.
Her family would have been very upset with the idea of not being able to see her get married (couldn't afford to travel/no passports etc) so they kept the UK event secret and later on that year we all went to the US and they did a big 'wedding' there. It was easier as over there anyone can do a ceremony with an online certificate, so a close family friend officiated (and was obviously in on the secret, realised it wasn't real) but used similar wording and no one noticed. I understand that is more difficult in the UK though.
The wedding was exactly as a normal wedding, all the bridal shower/rehearsal dinner US traditions. It was a lovely day and they are so glad they did it, as they will always have that as their wedding day. They celebrate that day as their anniversary too. The other day in the UK was nice, but not the same.
I don't know if her family even know the truth today. But everyone was happy and they had a lovely day to remember with friends and family.
I say go for it OP. Lots of people that haven't had to get around the difficulties of cross nation marriage won't get the whole visa thing and similarly lots of people don't get that some like to have a big celebration. But they aren't you. Go for it if you want it and I'm sure you'll have a lovely day to remember.

I’d say I can’t believe all the negativity on this thread - but it is mumsnet, after all. 😆

I think this is a lovely idea. So many people do the legal wedding before the party these days, for one reason or another. I probably wouldn’t pitch this two years after the fact as a wedding, exactly, though? It seems to stretch the concept a little too far. But you do you!! Maybe a vow renewal? I’m not saying that to make it feel any less special - it will still feel just as special on the day, I think, whatever you decide to call it.

There are so many things you can do on the day to make it feel like an important occasion. You’ve already listed them - ring exchange, vows, family member involvement. I’m not sure where you’re based, but in England you’re limited when it comes to venues for legal weddings - but for a ceremony like yours, you have loads of choice, like the rooftop or beach you mentioned. One of the benefits of doing it the way you are.

I’d plan it in the same way you would a wedding - special dress, flowers, vows, decorations, nice invitations, photos, good food, drink, readings… speeches… Whatever you’d like. I’d probably skip bridesmaids, groomsmen, hen and stag, wedding favours (do people still do those?) but then again I’d probably skip those for a wedding too.

Just to add - I do agree with the posters who think you should come clean to your loved ones. Unless you’ve got a difficult relationship with your family you might find it hard to hide this big ole fact for a couple years.

Just a thought… Do you have an engagement ring? Maybe you could wear one between now and the ceremony to make it feel more like a real wedding to you.

If people are so hung up on a "real" wedding just have the whole thing in Germany or one of the other European countries that actually require a civil ceremony as precondition for the church wedding. Granted a two year hiatus is unusual but shouldn't be a hindrance - you could always invoke Covid, too. (In case anyone wonders, it was set up this way as part of 19th century battles against the political weight of the Catholic church.)

Oh for heavens sake have your party and let your dad walk you down the aisle! No one who cares about you is going to be as judgy as some of the people on mumsnet, they'll be pleased to go to your wedding and won't be worrying about when the legal bit took place. A couple of people I know got married in a registry office for the formal bit before their wedding because the venue wasn't registered ( in one case this was a beautiful private chapel) and it was lovely. Most people neither knew nor cared when the legal formalities were actually fulfilled.

Thanks all! Thank you for being kind.

we don’t plan to deceive anyone in anyway. But also our guests (most of them!) were told that we may have to elope for the visa. I was in tears telling some of them. So maybe that’s why no ones brought it up or asked us since.

The wedding celebration we are arranging will in no way be conventional. It was never going to be, even if this was the ‘real’ thing. So I was never going to have bridesmaids, favours etc etc. Partner wants a stag but then so do all his friends, they just want an excuse for a night out lol! I’m not bothered about a hen, would likely just do a low-key meal beforehand.

Our wedding would likely be in Europe! We have family and friends from a few different places in the world (and us!) so we were hoping to have a central-ish location to make it easy + some good weather!

if we could do it sooner, we 100% would. I know two years is long but I’m struggling for money atm and want to be able to pay as much as possible for everyone we love to be able to attend.

I do have a lovely engagement ring that I wear everyday :)

You are short of money.
You are already married.

Plan a 10 year anniversary party.

(But I'm saying this as someone who eloped as we wanted to be married but didn't want a wedding)

I would be annoyed if I was invited to a wedding only to find out the couple had been married for 2 years.

I know someone who did this. They needed to get married so they could live together in a country they were going to be working in. They then had a wedding at a later date and very few people knew they’d already been legally married. I only found out at the wedding and I didn’t care - it was great to be able to celebrate with them. I don’t remember what was said in the vows/blessing but everyone had a good time! Bride wore a lovely dress, there was speeches, photos, dancing and everything you’d normally expect at a wedding. To me the first part was about the paperwork and the wedding was about declaring their love and commitment in front of family and friends.