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Second Marriage - MIL being negative

18 replies

Mush88 · 22/04/2023 18:37

We've been together for a few years and planned to get married this year. We'd originally wanted to keep it small and informal, as we've both been married before and had the 'big white wedding' thing - but we now have children (and no parents volunteering to fund anything second time around - undrstandably!) so we're in a very different place than when we were young and responsibility-free.

I'd initially felt a bit embarrassed to be getting married again and worried too much about what others might think of me having another wedding, so we were planning something completely the opposite - a registry office ceremony followed by a small meal - but the closer it got, the more I felt sad about it not being more of a celebration. So what if we've been married before? We deserve a second chance at love and have nothing to be ashamed of, right? So we're pushing the date back to give us more time to save for something we'll both be happy with - still nothing huge and expensive, but a day we can enjoy and have fun with those closest to us.

However, my future MIL keeps making remarks essentially saying nobody cares about second marriages, that we shouldn't put much effort into the wedding and 'waste' money, and not to expect people to want to sit through another ceremony when they've heard it all before... and it's really starting to irritate me.

My FH would never say anything to her about her remarks, quite often she says them when he's not around, but even if he was there he wouldn't defend our decisions as he never stands up to her. I completely understand that people are entitled to their own opinions, but it feels really unsupportive and belittling to for her to keep saying these things, and I don't understand why she can't just be happy for us.

I don't want to cause arguments or fall out with anyone, but is there any way I can broach the subject to ask her to keep her negative opinions to herself?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2023 18:40

I'd very politely say that if she's so adverse to you having a wedding celebration, she is under no obligation to attend. She must stick to her principles after all.

Heroicallyfound · 22/04/2023 18:42

he never stands up to her

And you’re marrying him?

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2023 18:43

Heroicallyfound · 22/04/2023 18:42

he never stands up to her

And you’re marrying him?

Exactly. Why would you do this? It is always a recipe for disaster.

aSofaNearYou · 22/04/2023 19:34

Your future MIL is very rude. Have the wedding you want, it doesn't matter that you've been married before. You could just specify no gifts if you're worried and people shouldn't really have anything to complain about.

Justmuddlingalong · 22/04/2023 19:38

If your FH doesn't stand up to her now, are you hoping against hope that'll change once you're married?

Kvetching · 22/04/2023 19:38

Perhaps she’s very traditional? I know my parents would not have approved of a 2nd marriage, although they’d have kept that to themselves.

You need to politely say her negativity is upsetting you and can she please stop.

DartmoorWild · 22/04/2023 19:39

I agree with the others, if he won't stand up to her over this then you've got bigger issues to worry about.

How do you communicate over difficulties? do you feel you can be honest with him?

Liorae · 22/04/2023 19:43

I'd be with your MIL on this one. One big "Look at Me I am a princess" day per person is enough.

Justmuddlingalong · 22/04/2023 19:46

But the groom to be was married before too, why's he not getting the snidey comments from his DM?

aSofaNearYou · 22/04/2023 20:54

Liorae · 22/04/2023 19:43

I'd be with your MIL on this one. One big "Look at Me I am a princess" day per person is enough.

Out of interest, do you think that way about first weddings, too?

Turfwars · 26/04/2023 11:40

Then she's not going to be bothered if she doesn't get invited, will she?

Even when you plan something perfectly, someone will always have an opinion as to why you are doing it wrong - so you might as well crack on doing what makes you happy, because you'll make yourself miserable trying to please someone who actually enjoys the misery anyway.

Kisskiss · 26/04/2023 11:51

She’s a pain in the butt. Say nothing, smile and nod and then go and do whatever it is you planned on doing. It’s your wedding not hers.. she’s being a bit thoughtless and rude but pointing it out won’t teach her anything, so I wouldn’t even bother!
have the wedding you want and hopefully u are able to shut out her negativity

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 26/04/2023 11:57

Get your FH to tell her that she's not invited to the wedding as she doesn't approve and you will have no further conversations with her about the day.

If he chooses to please her rather than please you, you've got a problem on your hands.

EggInANest · 26/04/2023 11:57

Be direct but polite. “Yes, you’ve mentioned this before. It feels very negative. Do you have doubts or worries about our relationship? “

Arucana · 26/04/2023 12:20

My MIL used to say bitchy comments just out of my DH hearing or in a way he struggled to handle. He went for counselling (because unsurprisingly his parents were a nightmare in lots of ways and it came to a hesd when he had kids). His counsellor said that if his mother want to be a bitch and upset his wife then he couldn’t stop her wanting to do that but he could protect both of us from the impact. She suggested eating her bitchiness. We tried that with great success. I score out of 10 for effort (ooh she really tried with that one!) and score of 10 for impact (ooh that one burned). Worked a treat. Left her nastiness with her. She doesn’t do it anymore because by that one change we stopped reacting in a way that gave her what she was looking for from her behaviour. We stopped allowing her to be able to come between us in our marriage without needing her to change at all.

Eggseggseverywhere · 26/04/2023 12:21

No law says she has to attend! We didn't have my mil at our wedding! Or my dm come to that either!

Cantthinkofaname2203 · 26/04/2023 12:23

Liorae · 22/04/2023 19:43

I'd be with your MIL on this one. One big "Look at Me I am a princess" day per person is enough.

Does that only apply to brides?

what if it’s the brides second and the grooms first? Does he not get to celebrate because she’s had her “look at me I’m a princes day?

my first wedding, dh’s second. Inlaws didn’t bother coming.

ImAvingOops · 26/04/2023 14:12

It's a problem if your partner won't tackle it. I wouldn't be rushing to marry a man who won't stick up for you!

As for mil, you have to stand up for yourself too. You can't expect your dp to do it if you just meekly let her get away with it. Try telling mil she is not welcome to attend since she sees no value in it. And tell her her the negativity is hurtful and unnecessary. Or that you didn't ask for her opinion so you don't want to hear it! Push back a little!

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