We’ve no choice but to invite these people, right?

[hummmus]

Planning our special day, starting to look at venues and we’ve always known we wanted a small wedding with no more than 50 in attendance.

My sister and MIL are both difficult characters for similar and different reasons and have mistreated me and DP respectively in the past. Not only is it a tricky personality combination (they have never actually met) but I don’t want either of them at the wedding, l wouldn’t feel comfortable nor fully trust either of them on the day to not create. We have little to do with them ordinarily and probably see them 3 maybe 4 times a year but because of personalities and I guess roles in the family it would cause massive fallout if we didn’t invite either.

I long to have our loved ones there and celebrate properly, with nice food and nice photos, but I can’t see a way of making it happen without also including both of the above. Is the only option left to elope or do it just the two of us? I’d be really sad if it meant my parents had to miss out particularly and there’s a couple of DP family members particularly who would love to be there.

DP of the mind there isn’t an alternative but to invite them both.

Hate that it’s so far from straightforward!

I honestly just wouldn’t invite them. It’s your day and I would not be having people there you don’t want, who might spoil your day, etc. If the fall out is they don’t talk to you any more, so what. Blood is not always thicker than water.

DH and I have both got challenging siblings. We have definitely bonded over it over the years. Hilariously, the two of them went on a date at one point.

It didn't go well, but DH and I were undecided if it would potentially be good to combine the drama or if it would double it! At least this cannot happen to you.

The humanist/registry office thing is a good suggestion I think.

I did two 50ths for a somewhat similar reason. It went well. No overlap between the family and friend group.

If you don’t like these people I assume you don’t socialise with them.
So why would you care about upsetting them?

Do you have contact with them at all otherwise? Is there a a FIL or nephews etc that you would want to invite? Does your partner have siblings?
Will your parents be upset if you didn't invite your sister?

You need to create a rule that makes it easier not to invite them.

I think your MIL to be is what makes it difficult here. If it was just your sister that was the problem, you could legitimately say it’s “parents only plus one close friend each” or similar. As it is, it’s hard to invite your parents without his mother.

Are there ways you can limit any potential damage? For example, as it’s a small wedding, could you have a “sweetheart table” rather than a top table to avoid any particular guest being given any special status? (My thinking being that your MIL can’t kick off at not being included on the top table if there isn’t one.) Are there trusted friends you could seat one each with who might distract them with bland small talk, rather than putting them with relatives who might push their buttons?

No FIL, do have a niece to my sister who is under 5. Partner is an only child. My parents would understand and have been encouraging us to elope but I’m not sure they’d be happy if we had a celebration here but she wasn’t invited

I didn't invite my sister to my wedding. No real beef I just don't have that much of a relationship and so she wouldn't have added much to my day, and I didn't miss her.

Another possibility - would you consider a destination wedding? I know they’re unpopular on here, and when it’s a case of expecting hundreds of people to spend thousands of pounds and find childcare for an infant, I get it. But if you were able to perhaps help to pay for your parents (but not necessarily tell your sister this!) so that you could have people you want there, while creating a hurdle for those you don’t…?

Such a difficult one. Do you think they would cause massive drama on the day? If it's just that you don't particularly like either of them because of past issues, I would actually consider still inviting them. They sound like they don't deserve it, however ultimately is one day of peace worth a lifetime of guaranteed relationship issues, with them being angry and self righteous and painting you as the bad guys?

We had a similar consideration with my husbands brother. We had a big falling out in the lead up to the wedding (about non-wedding related issues). We did invite him and his wife, but we made it crystal clear to them and to my in-laws that we expected them to behave and if they didn't there would be no hope of a future relationship. He was on his best behaviour all night.

Could you have an abroad wedding and just not invite them? We went abroad for ours, DH didn’t want to invite his mum but felt he had to so did. She was an absolute pain. I’d just go abroad and not invite them to be honest, going abroad makes it really easy to only invite the people you actually want there.

Depends if you have a group of friends (and/or family) that would be on standby to evict them if they kick off.

My Dad is the tricky person I felt obligated to invite. He wasn't invited to the actual wedding which he did make a fuss about but I stood firm on, but he did come to the party afterwards.
It was fine. There was wine (which helps) and lots of cheerful happy people who I got to speak to - thus not spending much time with toxic Dad. My lovely friends also stepped up and chatted to him which kept him occupied.

They are your sister and mother respectively so not inviting them would lead to any amount of trouble.

Are you invested in the idea of a big wedding? Would getting married on the q.t. be an option, would you be very disappointed?

I would elope and invite the smallest circle quietly and host a family party to celebrate. Then your actual wedding day is not compromised. A lovely party offers very little opportunity for bad behaviour.

"but because of personalities and I guess roles in the family it would cause massive fallout if we didn’t invite either."
What form would this 'massive fallout' take? Would the fallout be just from sister and MIL, or from other family members?

Because if it would just be from sister and MIL, I would embrace and welcome the fallout, hopeful that they would never talk to me again.

Very true

I would just invite them to be honest. I had a similar issue at my wedding with relatives I was worried would kick off. I ended up inviting them and actually something did happen, but it wasn't the people I was worried about, it was someone I thought would be compeltely fine!

But the truth is, on the day I was so happy that I didn't even care and I had an amazing day anyway.

Planning a wedding is so stressful, you worry about everything. But unless they are absolutely horrendous people (in which case why are you even in contact with them at all?), chances are things will be absolutely fine if you just invite them. You can't 100% control everything and sometimes it's better just to go along with it than have the fallout of not inviting them.

How would your parents feel about you not inviting your sister and your husband's family about him not inviting his mother?
If they would understand and support you then perhaps you could just not invite them. But will it cause a problem and bad atmosphere if they are not invited?
(

Well, there isn't any way, really. Either elope or accept that you can't invite people you like and leave the groom's mother out! Even the people you like will think you're weird.

We had similar problems with my parents so accidentally on purpose scheduled our wedding for when we knew they would be on holiday. Otherwise, guest list based on whether we would have them to dinner in our home. We had a lovely relaxed day and noone batted an eyelid that I had no parents there, probably because they all know us well enough to know the issues.

I'd one like this. And to avoid massive fallout from others, had to invite them.
It didn't go as I predicted - it it was actually worse. But luckily my family had others who were alert and ready to deflect it, so I was actually unaware of any of it until I came back from honeymoon.

And it's given me the perfect reason to swerve that person for ever.