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Original poster

We’ve no choice but to invite these people, right?

46 replies

hummmus · 22/04/2023 11:55

Planning our special day, starting to look at venues and we’ve always known we wanted a small wedding with no more than 50 in attendance.

My sister and MIL are both difficult characters for similar and different reasons and have mistreated me and DP respectively in the past. Not only is it a tricky personality combination (they have never actually met) but I don’t want either of them at the wedding, l wouldn’t feel comfortable nor fully trust either of them on the day to not create. We have little to do with them ordinarily and probably see them 3 maybe 4 times a year but because of personalities and I guess roles in the family it would cause massive fallout if we didn’t invite either.

I long to have our loved ones there and celebrate properly, with nice food and nice photos, but I can’t see a way of making it happen without also including both of the above. Is the only option left to elope or do it just the two of us? I’d be really sad if it meant my parents had to miss out particularly and there’s a couple of DP family members particularly who would love to be there.

DP of the mind there isn’t an alternative but to invite them both.

Hate that it’s so far from straightforward!

OP posts:
DrCharlotteKing · 22/04/2023 12:07

You'll get lots of different responses to this and some people will say its your day invite who you want. I think you can only either elope or invite them though. I wouldn't be able to have my mum at my wedding but tell DH his wasnt invited.
I know its difficult but I think its your only options. This is why we got married during covid 😂

BranchGold · 22/04/2023 12:08

Mil as in the grooms mother?

Original poster
hummmus · 22/04/2023 12:13

BranchGold · 22/04/2023 12:08

Mil as in the grooms mother?

Yes, his mother. He is of the same opinion and said he didn’t want her there first but like me doesn’t know how to have his nice relatives and my nice relatives without inviting the ones we don’t like.

OP posts:
Starlitestarbright · 22/04/2023 12:15

Interesting you have isssue with his mother and your sister. So two seperately families.

Slimjimtobe · 22/04/2023 12:16

Sorry but you would absolutely have to have mother in law there

DeoForty · 22/04/2023 12:23

Tough one. I think you could 'elope' and invite your folks. But be prepared for a backlash from your MIL and/or having to keep your parents presence at your wedding a secret. If that's too stressful, elope somewhere where your MIL won't travel to/can't afford.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 22/04/2023 12:25

I think unless they are or were abusive, it’s almost impossible not to invite them.

DeoForty · 22/04/2023 12:27

If it helps I had a small wedding and invited several problematic people. Nobody caused a terrible scene, and the things that were said/done are now just a funny anecdote 10 years down the line.

Original poster
hummmus · 22/04/2023 12:27

Starlitestarbright · 22/04/2023 12:15

Interesting you have isssue with his mother and your sister. So two seperately families.

Not sure what you’re trying to imply. It’s unfortunate yeah. Two completely different roles, we’ve plenty of other relatives who we want to be there including my parents, my aunt and uncle, cousin and their family, DHs grandparents, his auntie and cousin etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
hummmus · 22/04/2023 12:28

AngryBirdsNoMore · 22/04/2023 12:25

I think unless they are or were abusive, it’s almost impossible not to invite them.

One of them certainly was and the other has just got form for not being very nice

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 22/04/2023 12:28

AngryBirdsNoMore · 22/04/2023 12:25

I think unless they are or were abusive, it’s almost impossible not to invite them.

Yeah

Original poster
hummmus · 22/04/2023 12:28

DeoForty · 22/04/2023 12:23

Tough one. I think you could 'elope' and invite your folks. But be prepared for a backlash from your MIL and/or having to keep your parents presence at your wedding a secret. If that's too stressful, elope somewhere where your MIL won't travel to/can't afford.

Thank you, that’s a good idea!

OP posts:
Heartsnrainbows · 22/04/2023 12:29

Can't you book it for when she is on a very expensive, nonrefundable holiday?

As for the sister, invite her round the night before, feed her chocolate pudding made from chocolax. She'll either not come or spend all day in the toilet. Solved.

Heartsnrainbows · 22/04/2023 12:32

In seriousness though, would you actually miss either if they were to stop speaking to you?

Because really, what can they actually DO? Kick off? Block and ignore them.

Cut you off? Win/win

Paperbagsaremine · 22/04/2023 12:32

Weeeeell, if you are in England or Wales and have a humanist celebrant, you'd have to also have - a tiny register office wedding with just a couple of witnesses...
So that's my thought - have just your parents and a couple of decoy colleagues at the registry office. Take one set of photos with colleagues for public consumption and get them to witness. Can you rely on your parents to NOT MENTION THEY WERE AT THE REGISTRY OFFICE to anyone? Not show the pics with them in to your unreliable sister?
Then if MiL or sis kick off at the "official do", it's not quite so upsetting...

SwedishEdith · 22/04/2023 12:34

Is the SIL married to your brother? Trying to work out how the SIL and MIL haven't met. Do you plan to invite your brother?

Thebigblueballoon · 22/04/2023 12:34

Hey OP. I can give you a glance from the opposite perspective. My sister didn’t invite me to her wedding (all other family members were invited - it’s a difficult dynamic and I’m estranged from them). I honestly was fine with it. Due to our relationship, I expected it and I didn’t feel I deserved to be invited because of our supposed relationship. Do you think your MIL and sister would feel the same?
Outside of my direct family though (parents/siblings), people aren’t really aware of our ‘situation’, so I expect they got quite a few raised eyebrows and questions about my absence at her wedding.
so I’d say, don’t invite them, but be prepared for people to wonder why such close relatives aren’t at your wedding.

SwedishEdith · 22/04/2023 12:37

SwedishEdith · 22/04/2023 12:34

Is the SIL married to your brother? Trying to work out how the SIL and MIL haven't met. Do you plan to invite your brother?

Sorry, just reread that it's your sister. I think it's easy enough to not invite her, in theory but, do you have other siblings and will they be going?

Original poster
hummmus · 22/04/2023 12:38

SwedishEdith · 22/04/2023 12:37

Sorry, just reread that it's your sister. I think it's easy enough to not invite her, in theory but, do you have other siblings and will they be going?

Show quote history

No I don’t have any others

OP posts:
ParkrunPlodder · 22/04/2023 12:38

hummmus · 22/04/2023 12:27

Not sure what you’re trying to imply. It’s unfortunate yeah. Two completely different roles, we’ve plenty of other relatives who we want to be there including my parents, my aunt and uncle, cousin and their family, DHs grandparents, his auntie and cousin etc.

Show quote history

My impression is they’re trying to imply that as the common link you’re the problem not the relatives. Possible I suppose - but more likely that having similar experiences in childhood was part of what attracted you and your fiancé to each other.

Original poster
hummmus · 22/04/2023 12:40

ParkrunPlodder · 22/04/2023 12:38

My impression is they’re trying to imply that as the common link you’re the problem not the relatives. Possible I suppose - but more likely that having similar experiences in childhood was part of what attracted you and your fiancé to each other.

Show quote history

Thank you. I know it might look that way but we don’t have issues with any other relatives at all and MIL and sister are actually quite similar, both big characters and like the centre of attention and there are lots of parallels in their behaviours so I think you might be right and that’s one of the reasons DP and I get on.

OP posts:
Original poster
hummmus · 22/04/2023 12:43

Thebigblueballoon · 22/04/2023 12:34

Hey OP. I can give you a glance from the opposite perspective. My sister didn’t invite me to her wedding (all other family members were invited - it’s a difficult dynamic and I’m estranged from them). I honestly was fine with it. Due to our relationship, I expected it and I didn’t feel I deserved to be invited because of our supposed relationship. Do you think your MIL and sister would feel the same?
Outside of my direct family though (parents/siblings), people aren’t really aware of our ‘situation’, so I expect they got quite a few raised eyebrows and questions about my absence at her wedding.
so I’d say, don’t invite them, but be prepared for people to wonder why such close relatives aren’t at your wedding.

Thank you this is really helpful. Unfortunately I suspect at least one if not both would kick off and take it very badly, saying we have hurt them etc. There are narc tendencies there so always looking for an opportunity to be the victim in a situation

OP posts:
Original poster
hummmus · 22/04/2023 12:43

Paperbagsaremine · 22/04/2023 12:32

Weeeeell, if you are in England or Wales and have a humanist celebrant, you'd have to also have - a tiny register office wedding with just a couple of witnesses...
So that's my thought - have just your parents and a couple of decoy colleagues at the registry office. Take one set of photos with colleagues for public consumption and get them to witness. Can you rely on your parents to NOT MENTION THEY WERE AT THE REGISTRY OFFICE to anyone? Not show the pics with them in to your unreliable sister?
Then if MiL or sis kick off at the "official do", it's not quite so upsetting...

Good idea. I could trust them 100%

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 22/04/2023 12:44

We fucked off abroad to avoid having to invite MIL.

I'm glad we did.

IncompleteSenten · 22/04/2023 12:46

There is. The alternative to inviting them is to not invite them.
It's just that that option comes with a different set of issues to deal with.

Sounds like whichever you pick you'll have shit to deal with so pick the shit you will hate the least.