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Original poster

Wedding abroad - WWYD

18 replies

ChessieFranceLynch · 25/09/2022 14:35

One of DH close friends is getting married next year. The wedding is to be held abroad in May next year. DH has been asked to be an usher.
We were formally invited about 4 months ago and although I had misgivings as it's during term time and will mean pulling DD out of school, after a few conversations we responded that we would be attending.

Now I'm looking at flights and accommodation and I just don't think we will afford for me, DH and DD to go. Things are tight as it is and we have our family holiday to pay for as well as some work we desperately need doing on the house. Of course DH will still go and can organise to stay with some of the other grooms party but I do feel really guilty and embarrassed about telling the couple that myself and DD will struggle. I am also quite hesitant to take DD out of school for a few days and having to pay for all the extras like outfits, food and taxis (the venue is quite remote).

How can I explain this to the couple in the nicest possible way, without sounding awful. I am delighted they are getting married as they are a lovely couple, but the thought of forking out all that money and the logistics is making me anxious. I doubt they would miss me and DD being there but still feel rotten, in hindsight I should have said no initially but had to give an answer and thought I could sort it.

How do I go about this?

OP posts:

Ihaveaskedyouthrice · 25/09/2022 14:38

I got married abroad and wouldn't have batted an eyelid at someone saying they couldn't come. When we decide to get married abroad we knew some people wouldn't come.

If I was you I wouldn't go into a big detailed description of why you weren't going, I'd just let them know that your DH will be going alone.

BigChesterDraws · 25/09/2022 14:41

Why do you feel “rotten” that people, who are not even family, have expected you to spend vasts sums of money, remove your child from school, travel a long distance to a place not of your choosing, all for their wedding dreams to be realised. You get almost nothing out of this.

Just tell them that you can’t do it. If they are good enough of a friend to your husband to ask him to be a groomsman, then they are good enough of a friend to him to understand that not everyone has a few spare grand in the back pocket to go to someone else’s wedding.

Anyone getting married abroad should go into it with the acceptance that a large number of the people they wish to have there won’t be able to make it. Especially in these financial times.

Awrite · 25/09/2022 14:43

Dh's close friend, dh tells them.

Men tend to be more straightforward. It will not be an issue. If it is, they are not good people.

Original poster

ChessieFranceLynch · 25/09/2022 14:50

Thanks for your replies. They have made me feel better. Yes DH will be the one to tell his friend thankfully.

Before the invites went out, we were all at a party and I suggested that although the wedding plans sounded amazing, if it was term time I might not be able to come. The bride just suggested I fly out with DD in the Friday night after school and come back on Sunday (the wedding is on Saturday). Without being horrible, that is a lot of faffing and having to try and get flights for that very specific time period and would still cost us money. They are entitled to have the wedding wherever they want and I am very happy for them. I just felt a bit pressured to accept but now having looked at it I just can't justify it,
I'm probably worrying over nothing and doubt they will give two hoots but I hate the fact I said yes initially. My fault for not standing my ground!

OP posts:

FrankGrillosFloof · 25/09/2022 14:55

Your second post illustrates exactly why you don’t go into reasons - people try to solve your problems for you. Your DH just says that he’s going to be coming alone as that’s the best option for your family - apologies but wanted to let you know now while it’s still well in advance.

OldWintersSong · 27/09/2022 11:42

The last wedding I went to was 4 hours away. We all drove down, went to the lovely wedding, had a nice time staying in the hotel and then went home the next day. Happy days.

We have now been invited to a wedding overseas. We all have to stay there 5 nights with loads of extended family, going on excursions and it is an opportunity for us all to be there together and meet the grooms family and have a lovely time. So says the bride who expects us to go. Of course, it is not a summons, but some people will not take it well if we don't.

It all sounds lovely doesn't it? Except I will have to take off annual leave to go and I won't be able to go on another holiday. Oh, and we don't even know when it is. It was meant to be this year, now it is next year, or is it even the year after. No one knows. All we know is that it is happening, this is what they are doing and we are expected to go. Also, it is their 3rd wedding and we have already spent a fortune going to the other 2. I shit you not!

Soproudoflionesses · 27/09/2022 11:47

As a pp said don't overexplain yourselves - l did this and the happy couple kept solving my issues. They weren't getting the message that l didn't want to go at all.

Original poster

ChessieFranceLynch · 27/09/2022 13:11

We went to two weddings this summer and even though they were UK based, we still ended up having to use annual leave as they were midweek and paid for hotels.

I priced up a basic hotel and flights for the upcoming wedding and it was around £800. This wasn't accounting for taxis, food and the other expenses that a wedding guest has such as outfits and a wedding gift.
I just can't justify it and you are quite right in that it's best not to over-explain.

Thank you all for your responses- I certainly feel less guilty and unreasonable in declining.

OP posts:

AriettyHomily · 27/09/2022 13:15

Pre kids we missed two (v long haul weddings) abroad as DH was in PGCE and then QTS year. No hard feelings, we couldn't go, b&G knew that and a couple of other teaching friends couldn't go either. Post kids we've missed another one because I'm not pulling my kids out of school to go to a wedding, plus DH time
Off in term time.

Just say sorry, can't make it. End of. It's a risk if you get married abroad, further away from home, get married on a Saturday if your best mate is fire / police / paramedic / shift worker etc.

Echobelly · 27/09/2022 13:17

I don't think it'll be awkward at all - just say you were really hoping to come but you've looked into it you can't find a solution that works for you and DD - however DH will of course be there.

MrsMcT · 01/10/2022 20:07

Honestly, I think it's so rude to expect anyone to attend a wedding abroad. If you're getting married abroad I think either pay for those you want there or expect it'll just be you two.

Original poster

ChessieFranceLynch · 01/10/2022 21:43

Well DH told his friend and he was absolutely fine about it. Apparently, a few other people have also said they can't attend due to the term time/cost. That makes me feel a lot better.

I also had a chat with my close friend who has also been invited and she said the only reason she is able to attend is because her DD isn't school age. I felt less guilty then, especially after reading all these sensible replies.

I think the brides parents are very wealthy and are footing the bill so perhaps they are not quite understanding of the financial impact on the guests.

OP posts:

WantToKnowAnswers · 02/10/2022 09:02

We were invited to an overseas wedding and worked out that each guest would have to spend £1,250 to attend. With 60 people going, that is £75,000 spent on ONE DAY, excluding the wedding costs to the B&G. So, at least 100K wedding. I'm not talking about someone rich either, I am talking about average people, some of whom would really struggle to get that money together.

You have to be pretty deluded, or massively self absorbed to think that people you are supposed to care about should spend that for your wedding.

alwaystrainers · 02/10/2022 09:09

If you say you can't afford it they can't really argue. There's no way we could go to our friend's wedding in Budapest and that would "only" have been about £1500. Still too much for us though so we declined. I'm still sad we missed but still see them loads and are good friends so it's all been ok

WantToKnowAnswers · 04/10/2022 07:04

What reason can yo give if, you just don't want to go out of principle, but can afford it?

Hotandbothereds · 04/10/2022 07:11

WantToKnowAnswers · 02/10/2022 09:02

You have to be pretty deluded, or massively self absorbed to think that people you are supposed to care about should spend that for your wedding.

What a strange way to turn a simple invite around, go or don’t go, most people who get married abroad are perfectly aware lots of people won’t go.

We got married abroad, one of the reasons was to keep numbers down because I didn’t want a huge wedding.

People can go on the holiday, that includes the wedding, or not, it’s that simple.

CaronPoivre · 04/10/2022 07:12

Our son married abroad earlier this year. They invited about 160 knowing some would not be able to make it, for whatever reason. Some were too old or worried about COVID to travel, others didn’t want to use up precious annual leave. For some it felt like too much money despite everything apart from train or flight tickets being included.
The reasons don’t really matter - if you choose to hold a wedding outside your immediate area some people will not be able to attend. You should factor that in when deciding and expect some to fall by the wayside.
Don’t feel guilty or think you ‘must’ attend. Simply tell the couple the truth and wish them every happiness.

Hotandbothereds · 04/10/2022 07:13

ChessieFranceLynch · 01/10/2022 21:43

Well DH told his friend and he was absolutely fine about it. Apparently, a few other people have also said they can't attend due to the term time/cost. That makes me feel a lot better.

I think the brides parents are very wealthy and are footing the bill so perhaps they are not quite understanding of the financial impact on the guests.

Glad it worked out fine, most people getting married abroad will know up front that plenty of people won’t be able to make it.

Sounds the opposite tbh, that they completely do understand that some people won’t be able to afford it?

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