Engagement ring pondering

[Willow8383]

So my partner and I talked about getting married. It kind of came up in a conversation and we both realised that we would like to, rather than one person proposing to the other. Now I'm thinking about engagement rings....part of me would really like to have one, but the feminist in me feels a bit strange about asking my partner to get / pay for one. He would, if I told him that this is really important to me, but I also know that he thinks it's silly to spend this amount of money on a ring when we could do other things with it. Usually I agree with this, I don't have any expensive jewellery or clothes because personally I don't find it's worth it. But this is different to me, and I really want an engagement ring (for the meaning behind it, daily reminder of our commitment, etc....I'm not materialistic and earn my own money, it's not about that).

1. Buying my own ring? - He wouldn't be happy if I got one and paid for it myself, or even offered to share the costs.

2. Telling him that it's important to me? - I wouldn't be happy if he spends this money when he doesn't really want to spend it on a ring. I think it'd make me feel bad looking at the ring and knowing that he didn't really want to buy it (he spends money for me/us on other occasions, it's just that we both usually think spending so much money on an item is a waste).

3. Suggesting to go for a cheap ring? - I might be ok with that, if I can find an affordable one that is pretty enough to wear daily and durable enough to last what is hopefully a lifetime. Not sure how he would feel though.

4. Making it more even? - We could celebrate our engagement and give each other a gift, something the other person wants. That would be the ring for me, and I could get him something he's currently thinking of buying for himself (an unromantic tech item) which will be of similar value.

So I think Option 4....how do people feel about the idea of mutual engagement presents, rather than the man buying something for the woman?

Edit: when I say we talked about marriage and both realised we want to, I need to add that we also decided we'd get married next year, and started discussing where etc. Not as in we talked about it for some time in the future, once someone decides to propose

Engagement rings don’t need to cost a fortune if you don’t go for a diamond. Go for a different centre stone on a gold band and you will be looking at £500-£1000.

It’s nice to have one imo, even if it’s just to stop people asking why you don’t plus I honestly think mine is the most beautiful piece of jewellery I’ve ever owned and I like wearing it

Why don't you speak to your fiancé?!

I'd get a beautiful, non traditional, wedding ring and just wear that.

If I was getting married again, I'd "only" have a saphire eternity ring. So you'd get the glitz of the stones, and the continuity of a wedding band.

Or a 2nd hand ring. Bought 2nd hand will get you a better stone at a cheaper price and it's a green (recycled) option

Buy second hand or non traditional. Doesn't have to cost much. Choose a design that won't catch on things!

We also decided rather than there being a proposal and paid for everything together. We had a ring made which is a diamond full eternity ring and I wear as a wedding ring. It's perfect for me.

I felt completely the same way, and thought about not having a ring at all, but I really wanted one. We went down the traditional route in the end and he bought my engagement ring.

I chose it, we went to Hatton Garden together. I went for a non-diamond vintage (second hand) ring. It was £800 a few years ago, so expensive but not extortionate.

If you want it to be more equal, maybe you could contribute more to the cost of the wedding/honeymoon?

We picked mine together - on sale at the mall where we then living - $250, peridot and tiny diamonds. But it's what I wanted, I don't like the traditional diamond and wouldn't pay what a lot of engagement rings cost anyway. No regrets. Wedding band £60 second hand in a local shop back in the UK. That one and DP's band we probably will replace eventually, we just wanted something to exchange on the day. Hope to get matching ones custom made open day.

No engagement ring for DH but you can even it out...he got an expensive haircut before the wedding and spent a bit more on clothes ...well actually his sister made my dress as a gift so a lot more on clothes lol. But he spent a bit extra on the things he wanted, shoes etc, mine came from the charity shop. (I'm making it sound like I looked like a ragbag but I didn't I promise )

We had already combined finances though so it was easier in some ways.

Talk to your DP. I don't wear any jewellery other than my engagement & wedding rings, mainly due to type of work I do & fear of losing them (never happened) we discussed it before shopping together & I decided to go for a less expensive ring less than £400, my DH would have spent more if had wanted him too but I love my ring. There are lots of new & vintage rings which are lovely as others have said.

I got my husband a watch as an engagement present with a similar value to my engagement ring. He wears it a lot and unlike tech it won't be obsolete in a few years. It might be an option?

My original engagement ring was a solitaire diamond but after 25 years I just don't like it anymore. It was a compromise ring as the one I didn't want was platinum but I couldn't justify us spending that amount of money. Instead I bought a yellow gold setting. I have never worn yellow gold, always silver.

I have changed my rings twice over the years. I now wear a Moissanite which looks like a diamond, tests as a diamond with a diamond tester but is a completely lab grown gem stone. I bought it off Etsy and imported it and it cost me less than £100.

I am a total feminist, fiercely independent, mum to 3 girls so even more so wanting to set that example and before I met my husband, I had been single for 7 years and did everything on my own for myself and my daughters.

I bought 2 houses alone.
Qualified in law, so new career, alone.
Divorced my cheating ex-husband and started from scratch, alone. Having said all of that, I love, LOVE my engagement ring (with wedding band now) and I can safely say every time I look at it, I feel joy because of what it represents to me.

My husband and I picked it out together and he fell in love with it before I did. It really is my favourite piece of jewellery and carries a lot of love and emotion for me.

Get the ring. Talk to your partner about how you both want to do it.

Seamless picture of said ring attached.

Shameless even**

Definitely get a ring. My friend felt how you do and chose not to have one and she’s so sad about it now.

Do not buy one for yourself that doesn’t count.

Get an idea of the kind of ring you like, work out where sells that kind of thing for a price that you think is appropriate to you guys (£100? £600? £2k? £5k? I don’t know you…) then take him ring shopping and say you want to choose the ring together. Then pick it.

(A word of caution - when you look at the ring, you’ll remember the time you bought it. My main memory with mine is of DH being a grump as he didn’t like the shop assistant. I encouraged us to shop together but kinda wish he’d just picked something and produced it with flowers, much nicer memory to keep on my finger.)

Also you may feel all equal now and like “exchanging gifts” but once you’ve had your body damaged by a couple of kids (and your career torpedoed by those kids) when all your DH contributed was an orgasm and his career is soaring, that diamond feels like recognition of some practicalities we aren’t taught about at school.

Choose the ring together and pay for it together? Or buy him something in return, doesn't have to be a ring but something that symbolises your engagement.

Lots of great advice and interesting thoughts here, I think I'll suggest to my partner...now fiance :) to choose one together, one I fall in love with but that's not crazy expensive (def want to stay below 1k), and I'll find a nice present for him as well.

Lovely ring @BecauseICan22 thanks for sharing. And very good point @Sunshineona about men's contribution to it all 😂

Definitely go for a second hand ring. DH bought me an Edwardian ring from the Lanes in Brighton and it is the love of my life. It’s so pretty and really not expensive.

I think option 4 is a great idea, feel a bit guilty I ddin't think to do this for my husband.

I also was not very keen on an engagement ring. I thought it was a bit odd that I had one and my husband didn't. He really wanted me to have one though, so we got a second hand one, which is much cheaper and also you don't need to feel guilty about blood diamonds in the same way. I would definitely agree with the posters above who say to consider second hand.

We decided together and I didn't expect an engagement ring. I'm not big on jewelry. We went for a post-engagement walk and saw a lovely 1920's ring in a shape and mixture of gold and platinum which I really liked and still do.

My husband paid, but it didn't feel like an engagement ring in a particularly formal way but just a present I loved and continue to love, and was only a few hundred pounds because it was antique.

I wear it maybe once a month, but that's the most I wear any item of jewelry including my wedding ring!

Actually scrap all of the above. We forgot to mention you get free champagne when you go engagement ring shopping.

So go to the posh jewellers and drink the fizz and then buy vintage.

I don’t ever wear mine, I’d save the money for something else.

We went shopping together before proposal and picked out three or four options. He then went back without me to buy the one he chose from the shortlist.

That way he got to pick something and it was still a bit of a surprise for me!

Five years later and two things I wish we'd done differently:

1. buy second hand / antique / vintage. We'd have got a LOT more for £1k than we did new.
2. pay the extra for platinum or pick any other metal than white gold. It needs constant replating which is a total PITA and big the wedding and engagement ring look grotty for months until I pay for it again....

That is a good point. As much as I love my engagement ring, I don't wear mine either, as I worry I will catch my toddler's skin on the diamonds when I am changing him. My engagement ring is just not as practical for every day life as my wedding ring.