Don't want to get married now.

[ThankYouVeryMuchGerry]

We were due to get married in July 2020 and had found the perfect venue and arranged everything so it would have been the most fantastic celebration weekend.

There were only 23 people (immediate family) coming for a long weekend and we were really excited and looking forward to it, but obviously Covid happened.

We were lucky with our venue and all suppliers to be able to move everything to the same date in 2021. We were obviously disappointed but accepted it and looked forward to July 2021.

In April 2021 I was diagnosed with bowel cancer, and to be honest, I was more upset at having to cancel the wedding again than I was about getting cancer!
We decided to just cancel everything and were very lucky to get our money back (always get wedding insurance!).

Fast forward to this year and thankfully the cancer is gone and I'm all fixed. So we were planning on getting married again next year, but this time doing it in a nice marquee in our back garden. So we started planning everything and then...I just can't be bothered.

We've come from having a perfect family weekend planned to a back garden wedding. Don't get me wrong, I love our garden but it just doesn't feel as special.
I have looked at loads of different venues both at home and in Wales where OH's family are but none of them are right. We can make a back garden wedding really perfect but I just keep thinking what's the point?

I'm utterly convinced something is going to happen again to stop us getting married. I keep thinking if it was meant to happen then it would have one of the previous times it was scheduled. My OH and my parents think I'm being crazy but I just have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that something will go wrong again.

They keep telling me that what happened previously was out of my control, and I keep telling them that if something happens again it will be out of my control too so what's the point, its too big a risk.

Im really heartbroken that our perfect wedding was cancelled, it was really important to us that our immediate family was there to be part of our celebration (literally, they were all involved in elements of it!) and now that won't happen.

The entire style of the ceremony and wedding just seems wrong for the place we are at in our lives now - we were having a hand fasting and a quaich ceremony and now thats just not the right fit.

I'm just feeling so down about it all now, and no-one around me can understand the stress and terror I feel at the thought of something happening and it being cancelled again. I mean, I'm thinking literally if we start paying deposits then the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will ride forth!

I just don't know what to do. I would dearly love to get married but I just can't be bothered with it now. Please don't say we can just go away and do it privately by ourselves, its important to us that if it does happen, that our families are there.

Sorry for the rant and thanks for listening.

Registry office? With your family? It can be low key or a bit fussier. Anyway you've been through a heck of a lot so be kind to yourself.

It must be so difficult for you having had two weddings cancelled and things have changed so much personally for you within those two years. Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel? Is he supportive of having whatever type of wedding you want to make if special for you? I'm wondering if it the fact that you are thinking of the time factor involved in arranging another wedding? i.e. if it takes another year to organise, then that's another year in which things can go wrong. As you are wanting an intimate wedding with close family and friends, what about considering something in 4-6 weeks time? It could easily be arranged and would stop you worrying about it all going wrong. As for the venue, only you can decide what is right for you, but my heart says as long as you are all together, surrounded with love, the food is good and the atmosphere is full of love and laughter, then the walls don't really matter.

You have avoided dying of Covid and beaten the big C op!!
And you have a man you love and want to marry! The rest are details!
Congratulations however you decide to marry!

Have your wedding ceremony with those you want to be there, but as a small event.

Then arrange a weekend away celebration, as per your original plans?

Third time lucky!

What's stopping you going with your original wedding plans next year?

Yes this really! Can't you just book the original venue again?

Hi, just wanted to come on to say I've been in a similar position (apart from the bowel cancer which sounds horrible, sorry about that :( ) and it's really hard. Our wedding was originally Spring 2020, then 2021, finally Spring 2022 and it actually happened and was the day of our dreams in every way.

I had the same feeling as you that something awful was going to happen. And then we both caught Covid just 10 days before the wedding. It was a nightmare... but when the day came round, we were both clear and we went ahead.

You can't not live your life because you are so scared that something awful might happen. That is no way to live and you are right that you will never get your dream wedding if you never book it because you're too scared it will be cancelled.

You are hurting yourself even more by all of the worrying.

You just need to get it planned, whatever it is (and if back garden isn't right for you then you need to overhaul that and plan the wedding you DO want), and if somethign bad happens then you will confront that as it comes, but don't spend all your time worrying about.

You've been through cancer, 2 canellations and god knows what else so I'm not surprised you are finding it hard to muster up excitement. But what you can take from that experience is reslilience - look - you're still here and you've come through some tough things, so if tough things happen again you know that you can deal with that.

Get your wedding planned (the wedding you want) and enjoy it. Honestly, life's too short.

Can you not do the legal but first, and the ceremony later? At least then you’re partway there…

I’m so sorry you’ve been through all this. It’s totally understandable you’d feel this way! Could you do it abroad? Or somewhere like this? www.crearweddings.co.uk/

You aren’t “being crazy”
You aren’t being unreasonable
You don’t have to “make do” with a wedding and get married

You have come through a cancer battle which is incredibly traumatic and difficult and very often the feeling flat/stressed/scared/anxious bit doesn’t kick in until after the all clear is given - and that’s very difficult because we tend to believe that we aren’t allowed to have any negative feelings and should be happy happy happy and oh so grateful for surviving cancer - and those around us also struggle to understand why the survivor isn’t dancing jigs and “seizing the day” cause everything is all OK now and lucky duckies should feel nothing but grateful delight. The reality is not that simple - of course survivors are grateful to have been given the all clear but during all the treatments many are in “fight” mode and so focussed on getting through each day that it is only when all that ends that the reality hits - and it is traumatic!

Have you anybody you can talk to about what you have been through and how you feel (i mean a properly trained person who you can say the ugly truth to?) Maybe the cancer unit who treated you can signpost you to help and support. After ill health many people have a lot of trauma which can make things stressful/anxious and difficult - you are not “being crazy” you are a human who has been through a lot and probably has some processing to do!

If this all feels too much then talk to your partner- tell them how you feel and you understand they might not understand WHY you feel how you do. Focus on giving yourself TLC and tine to mentally heal. And then look at planning the wedding you both want.