It’s started already

[SaltandPepper22]

Got engaged last week and I am over the moon to be marrying my fiancé.

My mum means well but she is obsessed with making plans and arranging family events and generally not respecting the boundaries of me and my siblings so there tends to be a lot of guilt around not wanting to do stuff and a lot of pressure to see each other regularly even when it’s not convenient. When my brother got engaged she arranged a family engagement party for him and his now wife, which they didn’t really want.

Anticipating this and knowing what my mum is like I have arranged a very small engagement celebration next weekend with just both sets of parents, siblings and their partners coming over to ours to have a nice take away and a few drinks. This is how we want to celebrate.

My mum has just text me saying she is concerned my grandad is being left out (he isn’t imo, the low key event is clearly boundaried) and that an auntie has bought me a present so can she please do something at their house as well??

I really don’t want to do this for a number of reasons:
-I have chosen how I want to celebrate
-my mums family gatherings are painful and follow a set formula. My fiancé doesn’t enjoy them and only comes to them out of obligation and love
-my fiancés parents will feel awkward as they don’t have extended family themselves to even up numbers
-my cousin is getting married this summer and we will see everyone then plus his sister is going travelling and there will be a farewell party for her. I am also 30 in the autumn so there will be an expectation of some kind of event then also.
-my parents house is a horrible shitty drive away and we will have to stay over or one of us stay sober
-I really want the whole engagement and wedding to be low key which is why I have chosen a take away at my house!

She will be upset/try to negotiate if I say no but I really need to lest I set a precedent for the wedding going forward.

How do I handle this?

You say, "mum, I'm an adult, I'm getting married and if I need help I'll ask for it. Stop trying to organise everybody and everything."

That’s would have been lovely but I’ve organised a takeaway etc here. Are you still able to come?

and then leave it. Don’t engage anymore. ring your auntie now and make a plan for her to come over or you go there for a cuppa. don’t be dragged into her drama

"Like I said, we're keeping this very low-key so we'll stick to just the takeaway as planned. I think Y's wedding should be the big celebratory focus for the family this summer, rather than our engagement - it'll be our wedding soon enough! That's very kind of Aunt X -- I've written to thank her and will pop in to see her in person next time we're down."

Or something like that

can she please do something at their house as well??

Of course she can. She can do anything she likes at her house.

You don't have to attend.

This is an excellent opportunity to put down a marker and set some boundaries, eg ‘No, Mum, we have decided that we are going to keep it very low key and do XYZ..’, then simply refuse to discuss it further.

Don’t be afraid to use the word ‘No’, it can be very useful when dealing with people who are not used to hearing it.

Lol one of my original sarcastic response drafts was “sure - do we have to be there?” 😂

I don't know. I think you're genuinely lucky to have a grandad and auntie to are happy for you and want to celebrate with you. I'd just include them. Or have a cup of tea and slice of cake with them.

Be careful not to push people who care about you out, just to enforce boundaries with your mum.

Expand your ‘boundaries’ and include your Grandad, I can’t believe you wouldn’t include him.

Ah I feel your pain! My mother is exactly the same! I've organised a birthday party for our childrens birthdays but have only invited grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and their friends from their swimming lessons (DC are 1&2) so none of mine and DH aunts, uncles or friends will be there as it's basically just a massive play date at this age. My mum rang today to say she is having a party for DC at her house so everyone can be included 🤷‍♀️ she's already sent messages inviting people (her brother and sisters as well as some of her friends). I told her the kids wouldn't be there as we have plans that day and as they already are having a party, 2 will be too much for them. And put the phone down.
It's hard with parents like this as they mean well but my god its infuriating! Just stand your ground and say no.

@Kitten2 @DuckBilledPlattyJoobs

the problem is it wouldn’t just be my auntie and grandad. Inviting them sets of a cascade of invitations which includes a whole other full circle of family members that “need to be included”. Stopping at parents and siblings keeps it small and means my fiances very small family aren’t drowned out by mine. Also my house isn’t big enough!

This.

Honestly you need to stand firm here and just tell her that no, you're going ahead with the take away as planned at your house.

If not, she is going to make your wedding planning a misery. Trust me, I have been there. My mum did something very similar, planning parties in the lead up, dictating guest lists, guilt tripping and emotional blackmail. It was horrible and I'll hold it against her forever to be honest. She didn't care what I wanted at all, not even once, it was all about what she wanted, or what she thought should be happening. Opened my eyes to just how selfish she is!

@deirdreshere yes that’s I am worried about. I love my mum and I know she is just excited and happy for me but I am very conscious that this has to be the engagement/wedding that me AND my DP want

There's really no way around it other than to bite the bullet and stand up to her.

I know it's hard but you have to set the precedent, imagine what she'll be like when your wedding comes around if you don't.

Just be firm with her and tell her what you are doing. Presumably she's already had her own wedding, now it's your turn.

Unfortunately in some families if you want to do it your way you do have to fight for it, but when you start standing up to her it will get easier every time.

You have to remind her that it's not YOUR wedding - that it's yours and your fiancés wedding and therefore what he thinks matters. Keep a few phrases such as "I'll discuss that with John, but I don't think he'd like that at all at our wedding" up your sleeve, and NEVER, EVER take a penny for any part of the wedding off her, no matter how seemingly insignificant as it gives her control over the whole thing, and then if you don't toe the line, then you'll be accused of throwing her generosity back in her face.

My partner is very quiet, hates social gatherings and that was my go-to excuse to say no to all the extra social events, and wedding frills she wanted. I picked a secluded venue with a very small guest limit (less than 50) so she physically cannot add on extra randomers the way she did at my sisters wedding.

I also purposely planned us leaving on honeymoon the day after so that we don't get roped into her Day-Two (and subsequent) party which is an excruciating get together in her house with her getting stressed and narky, pressing you into lots of prep and cleaning, loads of her relatives descending and invariably there's one of her relatives who we now know to expect drama from as she's not the centre of attention. And I'll be far too busy before the wedding to meet any of them. So...result.

Agree with everyone above saying set your boundaries now.

We were quite militant and discussed nothing, booked everything without consultation or debate. No discussion on guest list, venue... we just got on with it. Everything was presented as a fait accompli. This also made it significantly more efficient frankly! Easier to approach it like this if you are paying for it all yourself of course - do that if at all possible.

Oh and very good advice above - only talk in terms of you as a couple - "we" are doing xyz, "we" think abc. Then it's also less about her relationship with you and being able to influence as her mother, and more about what the two of you want, as a couple. Good luck!

It's too late for you OP but I know someone who, by the time she announced her engagement had everything booked and deposits down, right down to the florist and singer. It neatly sidestepped all the 'helpful' comments and suggestions of when where and how she should have her wedding. And it meant that she could just celebrate being engaged, and looking forward to the wedding.

Genius.

@TheOriginalClownfish yes this is what we did! Not quite the florist but the rest.
Highly recommended!

What @Justmuddlingalong and @PlanetNormal have said.
Use either or both of these and set the precedent before you start booking things for the wedding.