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Original poster

How to deal with difficult Dad

20 replies

smile993 · 04/05/2022 15:21

Hi everyone. I'm planning on getting married within the next two years, but haven't even begun planning because I just know there will be a lot of drama where my Dad is concerned.

My Dad and I aren't close. He's been a part of my life off and on and I feel he's never been there for me. He's never provided for me financially, or emotionally and he's caused a lot of distress to myself and my Mum my whole life. If he were to attend my wedding, it would be as a guest only. I don't want him to walk me down the aisle or give a speech.

I would love for my Mum to walk me down the aisle. We are incredibly close and she raised me. I would also love for my (ex) Step Dad to give a speech, as we are also close and I see him more as a father figure.

However, when the idea of my Mum walking me down the aisle was brought up with him a few weeks back, he said he would kill himself if he weren't the one to walk me down the aisle. (He was extremely drunk at the time). I didn't even mention the part about him not giving a speech. I didn't respond, and it's never been brought up since.

Ever since I have been on tenterhooks and can't bring myself around to start wedding planning. Even if he accepts my terms and attends the wedding as a guest, I know I will be constantly on edge and looking over my shoulder to see how he's behaving on the day.

My Dad's behaviour can be extremely unpredictable (he has an alcohol dependency issue), and I can't imagine fully relaxing during the day if he's there. I am absolutely dreading having a conversation with him about this because I know there will be a big blowout and possibly us cutting ties altogether.

I know every family has its own issues, but I was just curious to see if anyone has been in the same boat regarding their Dad? Also, any advice on how to handle things would be much appreciated.

OP posts:

redandyellowbits · 04/05/2022 15:25

Do you have to invite him? Could you just have a dinner with him after the event?

DinoRock · 04/05/2022 15:27

Yes don't invite him have a nice meal out after. Explain to him it was just too much pressure to cope with worrying about his reactions to all your choices.

LittleOwl153 · 04/05/2022 15:52

I have similar issues with my dad - thankfully without the alcohol.

We got married in a register office, my brother walked in with me - and was my witness. It matched up well as my husbands brother was his witness - his father died many years previously. Top table was us 2 and 2 mums - again it wouldn't have balanced otherwise...

Dad did make a bit of an issue at reception but it was small and most there didn't know who he was. BUT he isn't one to make a scene - which helped massively.

Pashazade · 04/05/2022 16:01

Set your date, tell your father it is two weeks later than said date, that way you can just nod and smile (him thinking it's a thing, you not having the stress of trying to conceal it) and then when it's done tell him and say you couldn't invite him because of his appalling behaviour in the past. A bit brutal I admit but seriously unless you don't invite him your day will in all likelihood be spoilt by his behaviour, if what you put in your op is anything to go by.

cherrymax · 04/05/2022 17:16

Honestly, I wouldn't invite him if I couldn't be sure he would behave and respect your wedding and your wishes.

I invited a parent I had a difficult relationship with, hoping they wouldn't ruin everything and they did. It was shit and upsetting and wrecked the relationship anyway.

cherrymax · 04/05/2022 17:17

Or, don't have a traditional wedding. Do it differently in some way that makes him not being there less of an issue.

DogsAndGin · 04/05/2022 17:24

Your dad is abusive (threatening you that he’ll kill himself because of your actions).

Don’t invite him, and cut contact.

fruitbrewhaha · 04/05/2022 19:47

This is sad, you must be wishing he's sort hi shit out and be a father but he is not going to be. He's a rubbish Dad. You have your stepdad, he is the father figure in your life. Your real dad can do one. You can either tell him he is not invited or not bother and fob him off with a fake date and then tell him afterwards.

Vsirbdo · 04/05/2022 19:49

I would say don’t invite him to be honest; I’m not sure what he will bring to the day and you certainly don’t owe him anything

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 04/05/2022 19:54

Your wedding day should be a happy day and not a day spent worrying that your Dad is going to flip out and embarrass himself in front of everyone else at the wedding. You really don't need that sort of stress hanging over you all day.

I just wouldn't invite him, it really sounds that you can't rely on him to behave.

TonySmart · 04/05/2022 20:01

Anyone that threatens to kill their self as an abusive manipulation tactic should be cut off.

Don't invite him.

RedWreck · 04/05/2022 20:11

My dad was emotionally abusive & I was surprised he even attended my wedding as he'd told my dm he wouldn't come & left it all to her to tell me. He was vile about my sister's wedding a few years before so I knew what to expect.

Later he made dm say said she'd made a mistake & of course he wanted to come. Her apologising for a mistake she'd never made still makes me sick 20+ years later but she was & is an apologist for him.

He was horribly unpredictable most of the time but sat through the ceremony & meal. Him & dm left straight afterwards which I was glad about as I couldn't trust him near anyone.

Looking back I wish I'd just eloped or kept it secret. He's elderly now & I have very little to do with him.

Do you honestly want your father there? Because if not, I'd arrange something low key & personal for you, your fiancee & a few close family & friends. Don't feel guilty, we shouldn't reward awful behaviour from parents.

Good luck.

violetanemone · 09/05/2022 15:25

Sometimes with wedding planning you do have to be almost bullish in asserting your needs.

This is your wedding. Not his. Yours.

Saying something like 'I will kill myself if I can't walk you down the aisle' is extremely manipulative, unpleasant, and making it all about him rather than about you.

Do you actually think he would be suicidal if you didn't let him walk you down the aisle?

If yes then I really think you should consider not inviting him to the wedding, as he obviously cannot cope with the emotional aspects of this day.

If it's just an offhand comment, I would say invite him, but certainly don't give him any special role, as you say. Just invite him as a guest and explain clearly to him beforehand that he is a guest, you would love him to be there to witness your marriage. If he asks if he has any special role just tell him again that you just want him to be there to see you get married.

Family are bloody awkward sometimes - I didn't have this exact scenario but I had similar situations where I had to put my foot down and potentially hurt people, but at the end of the day this is your wedding and no one else's. Your dad is privileged to be invited to attend and watch you get married - you don't owe him anything.

cupofdecaf · 09/05/2022 15:58

I told my dad I wasn't his property to give to my now DH. No man owns me.
I had my mum walk me down the isle because if I was going to do something that big she's the person who I'd want by my side, holding my hand (her or DH but obviously that wouldn't have worked so well though I've heard of people doing it).
The symbolism of a male relative walking me into the church would have grated me so it wasn't happening.
I did let my dad do a speech, heavily vetted by my brother. He was told to be short and nice.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2022 16:01

You don't invite your father to your wedding. Obviously. Sorry, but I really can't understand why you would even consider having him there. He shouldn't even be told any of the details or the date. He doesn't deserve to be there, and all he would do is ruin it.

HoraThird · 09/05/2022 16:06

Please don't invite him, you'll spend all of the run up to the wedding and the day itself worrying about how he's going to behave. When you and your husband should be enjoying your special day!

Weddings = alcohol so the likelihood is he will get pissed and ruin your lovely day unfortunately.

Iloveacurry · 09/05/2022 16:28

Don’t invite him. He doesn’t sound like he was much of a dad anyway. Sounds like he would ruin the day.

littlegingerone · 17/05/2022 10:35

I have had a bit of a dilemma with inviting my Dad to my wedding later this year too...he was abusive when we were growing up and abusive physically and emotionally to my mother and they had a very messy and bitter (on his side) divorce. I had already decided to ask my stepdad to walk me down the aisle as I am mostly estranged from my Dad, only occasional contact. I have stepbrothers and half brothers etc. via him, who I get on fine with when I see them but again, contact is little and occasional (none of them know my other half for example). After lots of deliberating and talking through with friends etc. I have decided not to invite them, and to instead arrange a wedding meal, to celebrate with my dad and stepmam, my stepborthers, half brother and their partners etc. I would have felt on edeg waiting to hear if they were going to come to the wedding in the first place, as if my Dad said no then the rest would have too. And then I would have felt stressed about whether there would be any awkwardness and mostly, I know my Mam would be absolutely sick with nerves at the thought of seeing him and bumping into him all day and I want her to enjoy it all. I feel so relieved now I have made that decision and, what will be will be.

Theblacksheepandme · 21/05/2022 20:03

I wouldn't invite him if I was you.

Giveitall · 21/05/2022 20:13

Do not invite him.
Keep wedding “talk” to an absolute minimum in his presence.
Keep him at arms length and look fwd to a lovely day.
He’ll get over it. What choice has he got? You reap what you sow.

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