How to tell your friend you don't want to go to her wedding?

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Me and my partner have been invited to a wedding in Scotland, (I live in Devon) and the wedding sounds like brilliant fun, but if I’m honest I don’t want to go.

It’s going to involve a x2 return flights (£200?), at least two nights in a hotel (£250), hiring a car (£150?) as it’s over an hour from the closest airport, and then hiring a babysitter (£150+) to look after our toddler who’s only every been left once before for 24 hrs (our parents can help out, but they are elderly and couldn’t handle 3 days of childcare, he’s quite difficult) . So we’re looking at About £750, and on top of this, I’ll be nearly eight months pregnant, and I know I’ll be exhausted and uncomfortable that will certainly make the whole thing a bit of a slog.

If it had been at a time when we were a bit more flexible, we would have made the most of it and made a holiday out of it, which some of our friends are doing and it sounds great. But we can’t really do that this year.

I feel so guilty about not going. Is that ridiculous? I am friends with the bride and I genuinely really like her and her partner, and I think she’s great, but we’ve never been closest in our friendship group and she’s not someone I’d ever really arrange to meet up one on one. So I’m pretty sure she won’t be crushed if I don’t go.

But what do I say? Is being heavily pregnant a legit excuse? I’m sure others will be pregnant or have new-borns but still going? Cost feels like an awkward one, we’re not generally struggling financially, but our incomes will be cut in half when I’m on mat leave, so we’re also not flush. And it sort of feels like I’m saying ‘your wedding is not worth this amount of money’. Or do I come up with an excuse?

Either way I don’t want to flake out last minute, I want to give her plenty of notice.

Help please!

Nobody reasonable would expect you to come such a long way in your circumstances!

I'd just be honest and remember that you can't control their reactions. She might be fine, she might be a total bridezilla but if the worst happens don't rise to any drama. It sounds like you've plenty of reasons why it's not feasible.

Being heavily pregnant is definitely a good excuse, especially with the travel. I would go for that.

Or use the toddler as an excuse - I wouldn't be happy to leave mine with a babysitter I had never met - although you run the risk of them saying "no worries bring them along!"

The money thing is a valid excuse, just explain you would love to go, but sadly can't afford it. People should understand, especially in the current climate, and you have a new baby to afford too!

How pregnant will you be? That is an excuse too BTW depending on how far along you will be.

Will you even be allowed on a flight at 8 months?

It will be literally just before the cut off for flying.

Does she know when your due date is? I would just say you’re not going because it’s too close to your due date and don’t want to risk derailing her wedding by going into labour

“Too close to the flight cut off for you to feel comfortable, hope you have a lovely time, etc etc”. Breathe and relax.

Lots of airlines won't let you travel at 8 months pregnant, 7.5 would be the limit so that your valid reason right there

I'd use the both the pregnancy as you won't know how you'll be be by the wedding date, it might just be too uncomfortable or it's not wise for you to be too far away from your midwife team due to pregnancy complications by then.
And then there is the cost of it all which when there is a baby on the way is money that will be needed to be spent on that.

You don't actually have to give a reason....just the standard ' thank you for your invitation but unfortunately etc' letter.

If she says anything tell her your midwife says you cant be so far from the hospital

Ah I totally read over you being nearly 8 months Sorry!! Yes definitely heavy enough to prevent you from flying, and that's a long drive at that pregnant.

We didn't go to a wedding when I was 36 weeks at a similar distance, we're an hour away from all the Scottish airports. They understood although I felt awful about it!!

Most people with any common sense can work out an 8 month pregnant woman will struggle to travel the length of the country.

Send a nice present and apologies.

You are way way WAY overthinking this and making it a problem when it isn't. Of course you can't go, for a whole list of reasons, none of which you have to justify. RSVP your regrets and then send a present and card.

Are yo u sure? I thought it was 32 weeks?

I'd go with "I love you, I'm gutted, but there's no way we can make your wedding. Between flying so heavily pregnant to the cost of it all as I'm going on mat leave there's just not an option we can find that works. We'd love to come up and see you once baby is here and celebrate your marriage together then. I hope you understand and know how sad I am to not be there.

Of course you can't go, and a real friend would never expect you to. My best friend didn't come to my wedding for the same reason, I totally understood and it made no difference at all to our friendship.

Just say you can’t make it and don’t give it another moment’s thought. She won’t care. Honestly.

It's quite possible your friend doesn't really expect you to go for all the reasons you've given in your OP - but wants to show you are a good friend and so invites you.

She can't really say, "I wanted to invite you, but knew you wouldn't come as it's so far,etc. so I didn't bother!"

I'd call her for a general friends chat and as part of it explain and say how much you'd love to be there if circs were different, and then follow that up with a nice card to formally say thanks but you can't attend. And still send her a wedding prezzie.

As a PP said you don't actually have to give a reason you can send a decline RSVP with the assumption that she will also understand that being 8 months pregnant, long way to travel, toddler as well you would have to decline the invite.
If you feel you have to provide further information, then all of above is acceptable.

I think that you’re tying yourself in knots unnecessarily here. I don’t think that any sensible person would attend in your position. Just send a nice RSVP with a note referring to your pregnancy and wish her well. Send the couple a small gift or a bottle of champagne nearer the time and coo over the social media photos afterwards. Job done.