Irritated by family!

[ImInStealthMode]

Just here for a rant really, since I can't say it at home! I'd put it on AIBU, but you know, AIBU

We're getting married in a bit over 8 weeks. We sent our invites in January as it's half-term / jubilee weekend and we live in a holiday destination that gets busy so wanted to give anyone having to travel plenty of time to get sorted.

We asked for RSVPs by end of March, in order to firm up costs with our venue, and get a good handle on our final budget. All fine; the vast majority have done so.

There's just a few of DP's family who 'still can't confirm'. They're the people having to travel the furthest. It's not the fact that they can't that's really bothering me, we could just give provisional numbers to the venue at this point, it's their attitude of 'well you shouldn't need to tell them firm numbers yet' and 'why are you paying them so far in advance?' (We're not) and 'The venue will be lenient, it's covid times ()' and other mumbling.

WE wanted to know numbers so WE can manage our budget; if it were one or two people astray then no problem but the indecisive ones add up to the best part of a grand's worth of our budget between them, that's a lot to know if we will or won't be spending in 8 weeks time! Not to mention being as fair as possible to our venue who have struggled in these 'covid times' and are actually a charity.

Am I being over-sensitive to be pissed off with them trying to call the shots now when they've had more than enough time to make arrangements, or at least say Yes or No?

If they are that indecisive, I would just contact them and express regret that they haven't been able to confirm. Mention that you'll have to catch up at some other event in the future as they're not coming to your wedding. It is not unreasonable to expect people to confirm at 8 weeks and people other than your DP's relatives seem to be able to do so. Ideally I suppose you would get your DP to do it as they are his relatives.

That would be my ideal but they're close relatives of his and I know he really wants them there, so while he's annoyed on one hand he's still hopeful on the other

Set them a fresh deadline, say another week, and stick to it. Stop them messing you around. If they are truly close relatives that want to come, they'll tell you. If not, after the week has passed, message and say 'DH and I have confirmed final numbers with the venue, as we haven't had a firm yes from you, we haven't included you on the list. We look forward to celebrating with you at another time".

Don't let them piss take. It's not normal to be this flaky weeks before a wedding.

They are absolutely taking the micky. It needs a conversation of "tell me by X date if you are coming or your places go to someone else as we didn't have the budget to invite everyone".

Thanks Hercis. I think that's what we need to do. Deep down I really think they're not coming (and if they are they'll struggle to find well-priced accommodation at this stage anyway) but DP will be so disappointed and I'm mad on his behalf 

The worst part is as they're so close they didn't even need to wait for an invite, we booked the wedding last July and they've known the date and that they'd be invited since then. They could have booked months and months ago.

I’m getting married the same weekend, we have just said to some people in a similar situation if you can’t let me know now we will assume it’s a no. It’s not just budget it’s place cards, table plans, favours etc. I’m not willing to leave everything until the last minute!

I think you need to budget for them, then accept they arent coming, clearly you have budgeted for them, because you can cope if its a yes. However you seem like someone who needs to know where you stand.

I would call them once more and say "I know the venue can wait a little longer for the numbers, but this is a holiday destination and we know people involved in the tourism trade, they are talking about how booked up they are getting. The reality is if you leave it much beyond this week, either you won't be able to find anywhere to stay or it will be very pricey. Just wanted to give you a warning as if you are hoping to come, I didn't want you left not being able to due to no hotels available, or having to spend more than you'd want."

If after that warning they still don't book anywhere, accept they probably aren't planning on coming and are going to use the "no hotels/too expensive" reason to decline.

@MargosKaftan You've nailed it there, I think it is a bit me needing to know what's happening.

We can afford them, but if they're not coming we could reallocate that to other things (more drinks, upgraded food, more guests etc)

I work in our local tourism industry so don't even have to lie. I was helping DP's Little Sister find a hotel just the other day and it's slim pickings!

This is really common that some people are determined not to think about an event until just before, these are people who only ever go on last minute holidays (and tend to be relaxed about where they go), or never get to go to gigs / plays because they are always sold out by the time they think about it. If you are a planner, its annoying they won't make a decision. It must seem bizarre to you that they can get this close and haven't decided yet, but they genuinely don't think its something they need to think about yet. They probably think they'd like to go, or should go. But won't look into travel and hotels etc until they are ready to properly decide.

They are marginaly less annoying than the people who accept but don't think they are committed to that until closer to the event when they'll make the actual decision to go or not.

@Sweepingeyelashes

If they are that indecisive, I would just contact them and express regret that they haven't been able to confirm. Mention that you'll have to catch up at some other event in the future as they're not coming to your wedding. It is not unreasonable to expect people to confirm at 8 weeks and people other than your DP's relatives seem to be able to do so. Ideally I suppose you would get your DP to do it as they are his relatives.

I second this. DPs family are being very rude and there should be consequences. They missed the deadline. Too bad. Can you use those 8 places to invite others who you’d prefer to have there?

@MargosKaftan You're exactly right. We're going to a wedding abroad in July and we booked our flights & hotel the second the covid restriction changes meant it was likely to happen (already rolled back a year). My work in travel has taught me that prices only ever go up and availability only ever goes down. I don't understand last minute people!

@Sweepingeyelashes

If they are that indecisive, I would just contact them and express regret that they haven't been able to confirm. Mention that you'll have to catch up at some other event in the future as they're not coming to your wedding. It is not unreasonable to expect people to confirm at 8 weeks and people other than your DP's relatives seem to be able to do so. Ideally I suppose you would get your DP to do it as they are his relatives.

I agree with this, too.

The other possibility might be - does dp have a relative the might listen to ? (Maybe one of his parents?) who would phone them and say, "unless you can confirm by end of business tomorrow, then ImInStealthMode and dp will offer the place out to friends they previously hadn't been able to invite. It will be a shame not to see you, but you have known about this since last July, you were foramlly invited weeks ago, and you were asked to confirm by the end of March, so them actually giving you these extra 3 days grace is very generous of them"

@Kite22 DP is going to speak to his Mum tomorrow (she, like my parents, booked her travel here as soon as we booked the venue). She might have some influence. We'll see.