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Original poster

Who would you invite...

26 replies

strawberrystrawberry · 01/03/2022 16:04

So we are getting married later this year in another country, just a very small ceremony & there will only be a couple of us there. To celebrate with our wider (very large) family, we are having a casual party a few weeks later at a venue near our home where we will have food, drinks and music.

When it comes to the guest list, we were only wanting to invite people we have actually met. The only problem is that my future BIL's fiance has 7 kids - four are step kids and the 3 youngest are his... and we have only ever met 2 of his biological kids.

I think BIL and fiance have been together for about 6 years and we've only ever met her 3(?) times, I'm not sure whether she doesn't like us or doesn't want to get involved in all the family stuff or just can't facilitate it. She doesn't drive although she has never had a job.

For the full picture child number 3 has some severe learning disabilities, I've been told it's not easy to take him out and about due to these disabilities.

I also think I should mention that we have always wanted to meet ALL the kids, we have invited them over for all family gatherings and to come and play with my fiance's kids and other nieces - they only live a 10 minute drive away.

So we have met children numbers 5 & 6 quite a few times, BIL brings to family gatherings, but only the ones that my future FIL hosts & the fiance never comes.

Child 7 was born last year and was quite poorly in the first couple of weeks but has since made a full recovery and I've heard that they're doing really well.

This is getting so long, but my dilemma is who do we invite? From what I've heard child 3 probably wouldn't be coming but if we invited all the kids that would be for his parents to decide anyway. There will probably be between 6 and 10 other kids there.

Our options are:
A - Invite all 9 of them. Whilst I would genuinely love this and for the whole family to be together, my issue is the practicalities with child 3, plus they're notoriously flakey and I can see them saying they're all (or 8) of them are coming then not turning up or only BIL showing up.

B - invite BIL and fiance only, despite the fact that other kids/nieces will be there

C - invite adults and the 3 youngest kids as these are the ones we sort of know and are BIL's biological kids

Or is there an option D?

OP posts:
GlitteryGreen · 01/03/2022 16:11

I think I'd invite them all (since other kids are going) but have a word with BIL to say you've invited them all so as not to leave anyone out but there is no pressure to bring everybody. Then they can decide who comes/who doesn't.

RedRoseRay · 01/03/2022 16:15

Invite them all. Weddings are stressful enough without creating drama and tension where it doesn’t need to be.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 01/03/2022 16:15

What does your fiancé think?
I would invite all but make it clear that they need to rsvp with who is actually coming so you have the numbers. And get your DH to chase the rsvp if necessary.

You don’t need to worry about the practicalities of child 3, it’s for their parents to decide whether they think it’s best for them attend or not. See this thread for a perspective on excluding people with learning disabilities. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/wedding/4493743-Son-not-invited-to-cousins-wedding-but-his-brother-is

LifeIsBusy · 01/03/2022 16:28

Invite all and do not discriminate against the child with additional support needs.

Leave it up to them to work out the logistics of attending, they will do what works for them.

maddy68 · 01/03/2022 16:29

It's a party. Invite everyone. It's way too much drama otherwise

WhatNoRaisins · 01/03/2022 16:31

How formal a party are you thinking? With a large family I'd be inclined to try to keep it casual so you're more able to go with the flow

Starlightstarbright1 · 01/03/2022 16:31

I would invite all.. its likely they won't all come but give them the choice.

Original poster
strawberrystrawberry · 01/03/2022 16:32

@GlitteryGreen thank you, this is what I was leaning towards.

@JemimaTiggywinkle fiance is also undecided. To be absolutely clear - we were never going to exclude child 3. I said in my OP that if we invited all kids he would be included in that, and it would be for the parents to decide if he comes or not. I don't need to read a thread about excluding someone, because I'm not planning on doing it!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 01/03/2022 16:33

Invite all of them.

Original poster
strawberrystrawberry · 01/03/2022 16:37

@LifeIsBusy I am not discriminating against a child with additional needs. I said child 3 probably wouldn't be coming but if we invited all the kids that would be for his parents to decide. I never said he wouldn't be invited because of his needs.

OP posts:
JemimaTiggywinkle · 01/03/2022 16:40

Okay, don’t read it - just thought you might find it interesting.
My concern was that if you went for option C they may think you’re going for that option because of child 3.

Original poster
strawberrystrawberry · 01/03/2022 16:43

@WhatNoRaisins it'll be fairly informal, no speeches or big sit down meal or anything. Was hoping for just a fun fairly relaxed gathering with our close loved ones

OP posts:
breatheinskipthegym · 01/03/2022 16:48

Invite them all, let them know in advance what the arrangements are in a fair bit of detail. My child has fairly profound autism and can manage in some situations and fall to bits in others - knowing exactly what I’m walking into in advance can help with decision making and preparations. Let them know (and mean it) that you don’t mind at all if only some of the family come. Ideally offer support for them to all come - quiet space, alternative meal arrangements, an additional plus one for a carer to come and help out, that sort of thing - but only if you mean it. Try to accept that they may have to drop out/change plans at the last minute, and make your peace with that. Sometimes things that we as a family look forward to and are committed to intending, aren’t possible at the last minute. We don’t mean to inconvenience or disappoint anyone, but sometimes our ‘flakeyness’ is truly unavoidable.

Original poster
strawberrystrawberry · 01/03/2022 16:50

@JemimaTiggywinkle the thinking behind option C was actually because we have never met the oldest 4 kids, should have made that clearer, it was nothing to do with child 3's disabilities - I mentioned this to be clear that even if we invited all the kids, he would be unlikely to come despite what the others would be doing.

OP posts:
M0rT · 01/03/2022 16:53

If your not having a sit down meal that you need numbers for then invite them all and just be happy to see whoever turns up.
Everyone who has ever planned a wedding will tell you it's surprising the people who make an effort and the people who don't.
You have the advantage of not needing to worry about paying for no-shows so enjoy it!

merryhouse · 01/03/2022 16:56

You invite the groom's brother and his family. I know you said you don't want people you haven't met to attend, but in a case like this I don't think you can get away with it without appearing rude.

You could add a handwritten note - "it's going to be a fairly casual party so we don't need to know exact numbers just yet. Maybe let us know nearer the time how many of you are likely to come?"

Daisy4569 · 01/03/2022 17:00

Definitely invite them all and let them decide who is going

Original poster
strawberrystrawberry · 01/03/2022 17:02

@breatheinskipthegym thank you, that really is helpful and the exact sort of advice/information that I was looking for. They're not great communicators so we wouldn't have thought about a lot of those things.

There is another room that comes with the venue hire which we weren't planning on using other than putting some kids games in case they get bored. It's furthest away from where the music will be so will be a lot quieter.

It's not one or two people dropping out last minute, especially if it was in relation to child 3 and their needs I would be understanding, I'm more worried if all 9 of them drop out at the last minute, the drinks would be drunk but we would lose over £150 just in food.

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberrystrawberry · 01/03/2022 17:08

@M0rT sorry I wasn't very clear again, it's casual in that the party will be relaxed and it's not a very formal sit down meal (no 3 course meal with speeches), but we are paying for food and have to pay the full balance 1 month in advance so unfortunately we do need to have a good idea of numbers.

OP posts:
PatientlyWaiting21 · 01/03/2022 17:09

A and never ever C!

breatheinskipthegym · 01/03/2022 17:09

@strawberrystrawberry Thank you. You sound lovely and considerate. Have a lovely wedding! Flowers

M0rT · 01/03/2022 17:18

Oh that's harder! I think you'll need to ask your DH to talk to his brother explaining all are invited but you have to know firm numbers so it doesn't cost you needlessly.
I was feeling a bit jealous of your casual party Grin

FinallyHere · 01/03/2022 17:37

I'd say the only serious options are to invite all their kids or none. Do you really want the drama of not inviting their kids if other kids are already coming.

How formal is this party? If it's a formal sit down meal then you might get away with just inviting the adults (until the other DC turn up).

What is the down side really if they go turn out to be flaky and not turn up. If not for numbers for meals, what difference does it make.

If you don't invite them, you are pretty much saying that you are happy for them to not be in your life. Is that really the message you want to send ?

BuanoKubiamVej · 01/03/2022 19:12

I think you invite them all but make it clear (separately from the invitation) that whilst they are all welcome, you would be more upset by them saying that they will come, such that you make arrangements to ensure they are all comfortable and any necessary accommodations made, but for them to then not show up, and that you wouldn't be offended if they decide that only some of the family can come so long as you know in advance. You leave it to their judgement to decide who comes, but you just ask that any acceptances are firm rather than flakey.

The parents are the best placed to decide which kids will be ok at the wedding and which won't, so don't preempt that by deciding which ones to invite. Unless the parents are irresponsible and selfish and won't make sensible decisions, in which case presumably it's best not to invite any of them?

mam0918 · 05/03/2022 10:54

A) is the only reasonable and decent option.

B) is shitty and unfair - I would be pissed if only my kids were singled out and weren't invited to a family event and frankly wouldn't attend.

C) shouldn't be a thought process to even cross your mind, you don't get to draw lines in the sand between their family, and what you are saying is those other kids 'aren't' family which is awful.

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