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Original poster

Small wedding- ‘No meet No seat’ guest list..wwyd?

41 replies

BlackishTulips · 22/02/2022 11:24

Hi,
We are having a small wedding. Mostly family, low budget, short notice, formalising a LTR.
We would like approx 30 of us to eat in a restaurant. We are not really expecting people to travel for this event, but some will as no family is local anyhow.

We have sent messages giving the basic details to family members asking for numbers to help us plan.

One sibling has fairly recently left their partner and child for another person with 5 kids (3 teens 2 toddlers)

We have not yet met them, or even talked much on the phone since this happened.

Would you specifically want to invite all 7 of them? Or just the 2 adults? What about the cousin from the previous relationship whose other parent we would definitely NOT invite?

We were keeping it small so it could be people we know... having 7 people there who we rarely have any contact with will change the dynamic quite a bit.

I have read about ‘no meet no seat’ to keep guest lists down: wwyd?
I think no meet no seat is a bit harsh when the celebration is nearly all family. But at the same time we have never met them and have no idea whether their company will enhance the day, but then isn’t this a great opportunity for them to meet the family???

Those of you who had a small family celebration, tell me what you did about the ‘new partners’ please!!!!

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/02/2022 12:17

You say it’s a small gathering. Five children whom you’ve never met including 2 toddlers will completely change the dynamic. I would invite your sibling and his child along with his partner. If his partner can’t come because of childcare issues, he can attend alone. You explain you’re having a small wedding with a meal after and you want it to be intimate.

availablesizerange · 22/02/2022 12:18

@squashyhat

You are only inviting people who would 'enhance the day'? Jesus.

What’s the issue with that?

MrsVeryTired · 22/02/2022 12:22

Invite sibling, partner and siblings child but not the partners children, they can surely stay with ex/grandparents or partner can not come (their choice).

Original poster

BlackishTulips · 22/02/2022 12:27

Ok, that’s a fairly consistent response that most people would not be inviting the unknown kids.

Yes, squashy hat, everyone else on the guest list is someone who knows us both well, whose company we enjoy, and who might be able to advise or support if we hit hard times. So they would enhance the day.

We are grateful to be have such great family and friends.

OP posts:

DetailMouse · 22/02/2022 12:32

I don't think you can invite him and not a partner he's lived with for a year, but I wouldn't invite the children and I'm usually all for children at weddings

Original poster

BlackishTulips · 22/02/2022 12:32

@Mummyoflittledragon i think you are right, it would change the dynamic, and as you say, it’s all in the communication... hopefully they get it that it’s a small celebration.

A phone conversation might be best.

Thanks all.

OP posts:

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/02/2022 12:40

TheYearOfSmallThings sibling has one child. Would you just invite the sibling and child?

Yes, since it's a small wedding I would go for this. If it was a large wedding I would invite the new partner too, but that would probably just give her a babysitting headache anyway.

NowEvenBetter · 22/02/2022 12:43

Of course wedding guests should enhance the day, only people who like/love you both should attend, if not, why on earth would they attend?
New boyfriend/girlfriends tonne of kids? Nope.

Beseen22 · 22/02/2022 13:02

We invited my aunts very new partner, they were getting married quite quickly a few months after us. For some reason the photographer focused heavily on him so I had 10 photos of him and 1 of my gran. Recently found out that he's been cheating on my aunt for 5 years and now is living in the garden room to claim his part of the house, watching her grown daughters on the ring doorbell and harassing them when they are home alone without their boyfriends. In hindsight I could easily have done without 10 professional quality photos of this charmer of a man.

If you are only having 30 guests prioritise who you want. Be prepared some might be offended. There is absolutely no way I would invite 5 kids of someone that I didn't know well.

Fink · 22/02/2022 13:12

I would invite the sibling, new partner, and sibling's own child, not the new partner's children. If the new partner can't come without children, no problem, just the sibling and child then.

MichelleScarn · 22/02/2022 13:17

@squashyhat

You are only inviting people who would 'enhance the day'? Jesus.

So you think they should invite people who would diminish the day?

mam0918 · 05/03/2022 11:41

I don't like the 'no meet, no seat' and 'no ring, no bring' type sayings they are inherently rude and fly in the face or BASIC etiquette.

In answer to your question however, it's probably ok just to invite the partner if they are genuinely fairly newly dating as it's not likely he is in a step-parent role yet and might not even be involved in the kid's lives (most sensible single parents establish a relationship properly before dragging their kids into it).

We have a similar thing, an uncle is dating a divorced woman with previous kids, they have been together many years but make it clear he is in no way the kid's dad just the mam's boyfriend.

So she is invited as his partner and the kids (who they choose to keep distanced) are going to their dads that weekend. If they were his step kids and he was active in their lives we would instantly have invited them though.

I guess it's just reading the situation and respecting their chosen family dynamics.

tabulahrasa · 05/03/2022 11:49

Inviting just the child you’re related to has the potential to cause a big issue though.

I mean, anyone fairly sensible would understand why you’d not invited her children, but if you’ve not met her you don’t know whether she’ll take that as something it’s not meant to be.

I’d play it safe and not invite any of their children tbh.

Original poster

BlackishTulips · 08/03/2022 15:52

GOOd point Tabulah.
It will be interesting to see what they want to do. At this stage I don’t think the sibling will make it.
But I also don’t feel great that his child will then miss an opportunity to catch up with her cousins, who she has seen less of since her dad has relocated and is now very much involved with his partner’s family.

So @mam0918 you said if he was being the stepparent, you’d invite all 8 of them? Even if you’d not met 6 of them? And it was a v. small wedding?

I’m just interested in what other people would do. So far the consensus seemed to be invite the sibling and partner but not the 5 children.
I am divided between wanting to be welcoming to the new partner, but also really wanting to have people who are an active part of our lives there. I would feel differently if there had been a bit more contact between us in the last couple of years, but it has been covid.

OP posts:

mam0918 · 09/03/2022 11:30

@BlackishTulips

GOOd point Tabulah. It will be interesting to see what they want to do. At this stage I don’t think the sibling will make it. But I also don’t feel great that his child will then miss an opportunity to catch up with her cousins, who she has seen less of since her dad has relocated and is now very much involved with his partner’s family.

So @mam0918 you said if he was being the stepparent, you’d invite all 8 of them? Even if you’d not met 6 of them? And it was a v. small wedding?

Yes, you don't get to decide how important THEIR relationship is ragrdless of if you 'know' them.

He knows them and her/the kid's relationship to you doesn't matter at all its the relationship to him that should be respected, and as such basic etiquette dictates that partners and step-kids are invited.

No one ever gets to decide on behalf of another family to draw lines among siblings and elevate some above others, it's a horrible thing to do to exclude children from their own family.

However, as I mentioned if it is new then it's a complex family situation I would take lead from them as to whether it's 'too soon' to invite the kids based on their family dynamic.

You can't expect someone to give up a day specifically to celebrate your relationship while refusing to accept the validity of theirs.

Original poster

BlackishTulips · 10/03/2022 17:06

Thanks for your reply mam0918! I think you have an interesting perspective. I get where you come from: family is family. If they are together now in that unit, it should be respected. I’m trying not to let the circumstances of the new relationship influence my attitude, but I think it does have a bearing that they have hardly been in touch since starting the new partnership, and that no effort has been made to introduce the new family hitherto.
I agree that family is family, but I also want people who we would call on for support to be there.
Frankly if 8 spaces in a 30 person wedding are taken up with people who we either haven’t met or haven’t seen in years, and rarely speak to, this means that 8 people who are our caring local friends can’t be there.
My sense of family loyalty is strong, but it only is meaningful with those who are interested in reciprocating that.

OP posts:

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