Major Wedding Anxiety!!

[Lamont77]

I'm supposed to be asleep, I still have 10 months until my wedding, yet I'm awake, with horrible worst case scenario thoughts going round in my head and inducing anxiety!!! It's been like this for days now and I've still got a while to go.

I'm not anxious about the marriage, I love my partner and can't wait to be married.

The wedding is something I never envisaged for myself. We both feel it's not very us, but our parents have paid for a lot of it (they were very insistent). It will now be a large event. I know I should have put my foot down, we both should have. But, we didn't, we have signed contracts, we are too far gone now and would lose our parents a lot of money if we pulled out.

So at this point, it is what it is and I have to just suck it up and try and enjoy it. I think if I could get a handle on my anxiety, I would actually have a great day.

My anxieties come from:

Lockdown which has meant friendships have grown distant. I've already invited and the friends are paid for. They say they are coming, but I do worry it will be awkward.

Not filling out the large venue. I am worried it all looks a bit empty. We don't have lots of friends, my dp especially is quite introverted and happy around family and going out once every couple of months with some casual friends. We still don't have a big enough list for night time guests.

The worry nobody will come, it will be too much hassle, or expensive for them and they won't be able to make it. It's about 1hr from most of the guests and transport isn't great so they'd need to stay at a hotel or maybe I could put a bus on.

The drinks will be expensive. Maybe nobody will drink and have fun because of that.

The pressure it puts on friendships. I have one friendship of 8 years but my friend is an absolute flake. I fear she won't show up and I'll resent her and our friendship might change.

Arghhh! I know this is silly. I don't know what I want. Just needed to vent. I'm catastrophising!!!

If you still have ten months, you haven’t even invited anyone yet? Assuming you don’t actually want to cancel and downsize the wedding to two witnesses and you, I’d reconnect with the friends you’re planning to invite, arrange transport to the venue, put in place practical things.

But wouldn’t it be much more of a relief, if you just pulled out of these big plans you’re already not enjoying, and had 20 people in a registry office and then a lunch somewhere delicious and expensive?

@Nathlash thanks for replying.

Well, we have paid 50 percent so far for 80 day guests. I have told them they are invited and asked for their address which they've given, so would be awful not to send them an invite. I've also ordered all the invitations now.

I feel like I'm too far gone money wise, especially because most of it isn't my money, so I don't think the second option (as good as it sounds) is an option sadly.

I just want to give you a hug.

And I'm a bit angry that your parents have insisted like this on somethingthat doesn't suit you. I hope I never do this to my ds and future partner, if any.

It's unfortunate that there is now this vast buildup for months on end for so many weddings, it causes so much stress. I find it hard to believe that the option to pick this apart and get deposits back really isn't there ten months ahead??

Can you have a talk with your parents? If my ds was losing sleep over something like this I'd want him to tell me.

@PermanentTemporary thank you so much for your reply.

Well, my wedding is early October and our parents have paid over 3k worth of non refundable deposits based on 80+ guests, so I feel very stuck and would hate to tell them now. I feel I've left it too late! Grandparents have also paid over 1k for a dress and money for the florist.

When we first got engaged, we said we wanted something small, but our parents kept adding to the list and booking appointments at venues. The venues we viewed only took 80 plus guests and we felt pressure as could see how happy and excited our parents were. I know I should have been stronger and spoke up more, we both just felt very overwhelmed and in the engagement bubble, as the venue was booked a week after telling them about our engagement it all happened so fast!

I hope I can manage my anxiety and try and enjoy it.

It is true that your wedding sounds absolutely lovely and I hope that you have a wonderful day. But as someone who found that my in-laws had invited 30 guests of their own (hadn't met most of them) before we'd even looked at venues, I feel for you!

I would make sure you're in touch with your GP. And I'd tell your parents that you're losing sleep.

Perhaps you can see it as an old fashioned wedding that doesn't actually reflect on you at all? Back when parents hosted and paid for weddings, they weren't really about the couple. Let your parents worry about whether people enjoy themselves or not.

[quote Lamont77]@PermanentTemporary thank you so much for your reply.

Well, my wedding is early October and our parents have paid over 3k worth of non refundable deposits based on 80+ guests, so I feel very stuck and would hate to tell them now. I feel I've left it too late! Grandparents have also paid over 1k for a dress and money for the florist.

When we first got engaged, we said we wanted something small, but our parents kept adding to the list and booking appointments at venues. The venues we viewed only took 80 plus guests and we felt pressure as could see how happy and excited our parents were. I know I should have been stronger and spoke up more, we both just felt very overwhelmed and in the engagement bubble, as the venue was booked a week after telling them about our engagement it all happened so fast!

I hope I can manage my anxiety and try and enjoy it.[/quote]
Well, the dress and the florist will work with any ceremony type or size, surely, and the £3k could be repaid by you and your future DH at a stretch, over time? I think I’d far prefer to repay it and start from scratch planning a small wedding that you actually want, rather than be pushed ahead unwillingly into a wedding that wasn’t your idea, that’s making you stressed and anxious ten months beforehand, and that you’re potentially looking back on for the rest of your life as a stressful and anxiety-inducing occasion.

We're having just 15 guests at our wedding in March and other than picking a venue that could accommodate small weddings, we have all the usual suppliers - photographer, videographer, florist, musicians etc as well as the big white dress and veil. If your venue can't be flexible on numbers, could you possibly reconsider the venue before you pay anything more but keep all your suppliers to minimise any losses? Invites haven't gone out yet so definitely not too late. Some people might be disappointed not to receive an invite but, from experience, they will understand and will just want you to have a happy and enjoyable day that you can look back on and remember fondly.

I'm sorry your parents have steamrolled your wedding by the sounds of it :(

I think you just have to try and be a bit more assertive from this point forwards about the things you do have control over. One thing you could do is try to reconnect with those friends you have invited but grown distant from. You have 10 months, can you start to rekindle some of those relationships? That might help you feel less awkward as the day approaches?

If you are really that anxious though perhaps you need to take a big breath and talk to your parents about how miserable it is all making you.

I know £3k seems like a lot of money, but I'd rather lose £3k than have that much stress and a wedding I don't want. Money is not everything and standing up to yout parents now could set a good precedent for the rest of yout marriage - it's your life after all, not theirs!