Etiquette on invites and talking wedding stuff to those not invited?

[Youdoyoutoday]

I have 2 questions but background is I'm getting married next year, it's a small wedding, only 30 people invited but I'm stuck on these 2 points and I'm not sure what to do.

1. A friend recently moved house so I asked for his new address to send a save the date and Xmas card together and I'll need his address for the actual invite. He hasn't responded, has texted about other stuff but not his address. He can be a bit wishy washy like this but it's annoying me, this is an invite to my wedding not just down the pub for a pint.

It's annoying me but part of me is thinking well if you can't be arsed then no invite, I'll save 200 quid. Is that wrong? To be fair, with lockdown I haven't seen him in nearly 2 years but we text on a regular basis and consider him a mate but it wouldn't be the first time I've felt this is one sided.

1. My mummy friends from school, talk about the wedding and talk about a hen do as we do go out for dinner on occasion but I feel uncomfortable discussing my wedding plans when I've not invited them, I'm worried they will be upset they aren't invited, so I have down played it saying I'm not having a hen do, I really don't fancy the willy/learner plates crap so happy to do a quiet dinner. However, would it be wrong to have people who aren't coming to wedding at the 'hen-do dinner'?

Plus I'm happy to organise it all myself, I've not got a maid of honour as i didn't want the added cost so we are keeping things simple like that. I certainly don't expect anyone to organise this for me either.

Maybe I'm overthinking it. Yes we are friends but aren't best friends and only know each other because our kids are in the same class, so whilst dinner on occasion is fine, I wouldn't expect to go to their wedding.

Help! What do you think?

1. Wouldn't bother with!
2. Manage expectations early, by telling them what a small wedding you're having, it's mostly family, etc. I wouldn't invite them to the hen do dinner no, but maybe say that as you're so limited on numbers, you can't invite them but you'd love to celebrate with them anyway, perhaps you could all go for a low-key meal together as a mini celebration?

Thank you @sparklemagicsnow you've confirmed what I was thinking.

I have said it's a small family and a couple of old friends and no kids but one of the mums started with 'ooo hen do' and then saying could borrow her tiara, I just felt bad and didn't know what to say and joked it's hardly a traditional wedding when I've already got the kids! 😳

1. Definitely don't bother with. If he suddenly pops up with a "sorry, had a lot of personal stuff going on" I might reconsider but life is too short.

1. £200 would pay for a few bottles of bubbly or some cheese and wine to celebrate. Why not simply say you are having a tiny wedding but will organise some girls drinks in advance if everyone promises not to drown you in tiaras and L plates.

However, would it be wrong to have people who aren't coming to wedding at the 'hen-do dinner'?

^Yes, I think it is crass.

@drpet49 that's what I was thinking but just needed some reassuring that I wasn't over thinking this.

I think I'll go with @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams suggestion of pre-wedding drinks with this group of friends.

As for Mr no address, I have until 2 weeks before the wedding to confirm numbers but to me it's the principal, it's a wedding not a catch up over a pint/coffee.

Oh and just realised, friend actually meant the tiara she wore for her wedding as in 'something borrowed' not tacky hen do tiara!
It's a beautiful gesture, I just feel bad that I haven't invited her

I wouldn't invite them on the hen if they weren't coming to the wedding tbh.

1. If it were a friend that were close enough to have made the cut for a 30 person wedding, I wouldn't be "uninviting him" over a point of principle on being a bit scatty over sending me his new address, no.

Of course, if you don't think he is that good a friend, then why are you inviting him to what is a relatively small wedding?

1. A colleague at work got married recently - I like her a lot, but I am "only" a colleague, and wouldn't expect to be invited to a wedding if she had 100 people. When we were asking her about it, if she'd said she were only having 30, then of course nobody would expect to be invited, but that didn't mean we weren't excited for her, and interested in her plans. Had it not been for COVID limitations, then we would certainly have gone for a meal out / few drinks with her to celebrate / wish her well / mark the occasion..... wouldn't necessarily call it a hen night unless she wanted to and would have no issue whatsoever with going for a girls night out to celebrate an upcoming wedding that I wasn't attending. So I don't agree with the folk who say you can't go for a meal / drinks with people if they want to, just because you are having a small wedding. Like everything, it is just an invitation - if people find it offensive in some way, they don't have to go.

Oh, and don't feel uncomfortable about discussing your wedding plans, as long as they aren't the only topic of conversation. If people ask, it is because they are interested. I like weddings - I ask about plans for weddings of people I know but am not close enough to be invited to - it is interesting, and lovely to share their happiness..... the same as I would ask people about other exciting things in their life - a new house, a new job, a new partner, even a holiday.

Thank you @Kite22.

My friend and I were really close at one point so that is why I wanted to invite him but over the past couple of years we seem to have drifted apart, him not confirming his address with me seemed to confirm that.

And don't worry I don't just talk about my wedding when out with friends, I'm not a bridezilla

As a previously non-invited friend to a wedding, I think it's important to address it head on if you haven't already. One of my old school friends got married recently and due to numbers I wasn't invited. She basically explained that they were planning a small wedding and as a result with large families etc couldn't accommodate anyone outside of family/bridal party (which included some of the women from our friendship group). I of course responded with that's obviously fine, and I wasn't any less interested in her plans, asked questions, to see photos after etc. We were still planning a hen do style pre event but it was cancelled because of covid. I might have been a bit more if she hadn't said anything and just let it roll around without an invite! If they are all aware they aren't invited you could perhaps be led by then, any either wait for them to ask questions or just drop small comments when asked about your plans for next week if they include wedding tasks and leave it as that unless asked?

Can you not just invite him by text? Take a photo if the invite if you want to.

I'm a bit confused as to why you need his physical address before you can invite him (although granted it would take him 30 seconds to give it to you).

I talk about my wedding all the time with people who aren't invited, and I've had people talk about theirs in front of me without inviting me. I think it's fine. Surely everyone understands that weddings are expensive and have limited numbers, it doesn't mean you can't enjoy a chat about it with acquaintances!

I also went to a hen do that I wasn't invited to the wedding for, and I didn't see a problem with it, I had a really good time!

I also have a friend like your number 1, I just snapped a photo of the invitation and messaged it to him. He quite possibly won't come, which is no big deal as long as he lets me know by the RSVP date.

I think you're overthinking some of this stuff :)

Definitely overthinking.

You're also making that oh so common mistake of thinking every is as interested in your wedding as you are!