Wedding guests

[thegeordiegirl97]

I am looking to get married and i am currently finding venues with my SO, we keep getting the same question as to how many guests. Family alone is 79 including us. The venue holds 120, ideally we wanted to keep it at 100 as more of an intimate close family friend thing. My family are on my back at the moment dictating who should be there and who shouldn't. My gran told me to cut it off at cousins, which I haven't as I am close with my cousins however not their partners, they all have children which would be classed as their plus one however I cant help feeling awful for not wanting their partners to go. If they go our friends can't but I know one of my cousins will throw a fit and make a song and dance about it. Is there any advice someone could give me? I am a people pleaser who hates confrontation and it is giving me major stress and anxiety at the moment. I don't speak to them very often and they don't go to any other family events so I don't see why I should have to invite them to share such a special day when there are other who I would rather have in their place.

Your guests, your wedding, your decision. Don't let anyone dictate who you invite and let them know that it's not up for discussion or negotiation.

Are you paying for the wedding or are others subsidising it?
If totally you... You get to pick... You will need to stop being a people pleaser...
Make your list... In priority order...
You can invite just cousins without their partners and children...

we are paying it all ourselves, i love their kids i dont mind those coming just not the partners. one of my cousins is getting married abroad and we arent invited. another ones partner works away and the rest i have met on two occasions in six years.

Invite whoever you want! "Numbers" is a pretty standard reason that bride and grooms give for not inviting all specific people.

I think the only caveat is... if you're inviting someone who won't really know anyone else (and I don't mean... "Steve from accounts will be there and so will Sharon from HR and they've met each other a couple of times so should be fine" because really, are Steve and Sharon going to want to be forced to spend the day together?). If someone is going to be a bit bored and have a crap time then either don't invite them or seriously consider giving them a plus one, whether you know them or not.

The only other advice is to consider what type of wedding you actually want.
Why do you want to cap at 100? That's not overly intimate. Are you feeling obliged to invite all 79 family?
Do you actually feel awful for not inviting partners because actually you'd quite happily have them there (big parties are fun!)? Just assess what some of your priorities actually are for your guestlist, and then own that decision.

I did the more the merrier, because I wanted everyone to have a great time. And personally, I have way more fun at weddings if my husband is there. So literally everyone got a plus one. But super frowned upon generally (I invited people I barely knew... The horror of it!)

It’s of course up to you. But there are loads of threads on here where people are really upset if their partners aren’t invited. Some people are fine with it, others less so. So I would guess that there’s a chance some might not want to come without partners, and would be pretty cross about it - even if the partners mean nothing to you, presumably they mean a lot to your cousins. Wishing you luck - am also a people pleaser and would hate to navigate this one!

We were in a similar boat…The costs REALLY mount up.
I simply wasn’t prepared to pay 65k for a wedding and go through the stress of coordinating and planning it all.

We ended up spending £10k on a fairly luxe 30 person wedding last year. We only had people we really wanted. Ceremony was 20 and we had +15 in the evening.
We still had to go through the in laws wailing that their best friends (&spouses) couldn’t come and my aunt firmly insisting we postpone it so she could come from America because…. She had bought a hat 🙄😅

COVID is the perfect excuse and we kept saying - no can’t because of Covid.

Unless you want a massive wedding I would just hurry up and do it in Covid with immediate family (so close family) and do a bbq party later on for everyone

People can’t be too weird about it and even if they complain to others the most they will get is an eye roll.

My SO is one of eight with two sets of parents and three sets of grandparents. I am an only child but we are very close to our families just like i said not the partners they make no effort with other family parties or events which is why I'm 50/50.

2 DP and yourself
7 siblings for DP (no spouses)
0 siblings for you
6 parents (both assuming you want step parents there)
10 grandparents max (i’d only invite biological but that’s just me)

That’s 25 immediate family you could literally have it that big..

It’s 32 if you want his siblings to have spouses.

10-15 friends or bridal party (maid of honour / best man etc) would take it to 40-50…

Based on that if you actually don’t want a big wedding you should find a venue that holds 50 max “set your heart on it” and go from there. Get married later in the day (3 or 4pm) so it’s less child friendly and easier to not invite kids.

Alternatively have a massive wedding which is what you are arguing for 🤷🏻‍♀️😵‍💫

Be firm. Guests need to remember that they are there to make your day, not the other way round. I was a bit hurt that one of my friends only invited me to the evening reception and not to the ceremony and wedding breakfast, as I thought I was close enough to be invited for everything, but I wouldn't have dreamed of telling her that. She had a budget and I respected that. If your cousin makes a fuss just point out that weddings cost money and you can't afford an elastic guest list. Everyone understands that lines have to be drawn somewhere.

Guests need to remember that they are there to make your day, not the other way round.

This is an awful way of looking at things, IMO. Aren't the bride and grooms hosts? Isn't the point to celebrate together? I'd hate to attend a wedding where I was merely supposed to be witnessing someone else have a nice day with zero consideration about whether I was having fun or not.

I’m confused, will you have music and expect people to dance? Dance with no partners? Are your cousins all female or mix? Do they dance the slow romantic dances together?

I don't think everyone necessarily needs a 'plus 1' but I do think it would be very odd to invite your cousins and their children, but not to invite your cousins' husbands/wives.

Inviting cousins kids without their partner is just odd... All of them, just cousins or cousins and partners

You can’t invite close family, as you say your cousins are, and not invite their partners. You can invite colleagues without partners, but not cousins.

It seems very weird to invite your cousins and their children but not their partners. You may as well just snub the partners openly and tell them you aren’t interested in them.

Plus, your cousins will probably want to drink and enjoy themselves with you and will need their partners to help look after the kids. They might well say no to an invitation that doesn’t include their partners, and then you’d have plenty of space for your friends but you’d have to ask them second, and that’s not very nice either.

Value people more than a venue, and choose somewhere that will accommodate everyone.

@Swonderswoman

Guests need to remember that they are there to make your day, not the other way round.

This is an awful way of looking at things, IMO. Aren't the bride and grooms hosts? Isn't the point to celebrate together? I'd hate to attend a wedding where I was merely supposed to be witnessing someone else have a nice day with zero consideration about whether I was having fun or not.

Of course the bride and groom are hosts and should consider their guests, but that doesn't mean guests have the right to dictate who else is invited and sulk if they don't get their way. Should I have complained to my friend because not being able to go to the ceremony and wedding breakfast meant I didn't have as much fun as I wanted? No, because it would have hurt her and I knew she had a finite budget and wasn't trying to be rude to me. I think any friend or relative worth their salt shouldn't want to make life harder for the couple by being pushy over the invitations. This is where people do need to remember that it isn't their day.

I can’t believe someone is suggesting inviting siblings but not their partners.

Sorry, but it’s not OK to do that.

As for cousins, I’m sure you’re not close to all of them equally.

If people are in established relationships, it’s bad form not to invite their partners.

You identify the key people you really want to be there, and their established partners get an invitation too. If they’ve only been seeing someone a short while, they wouldn’t necessarily get an invitation.

If the numbers start creeping up, then you review the list again and make some cuts.

If you have a budget, then you have a budget - not everyone can get invited, and you just have to make your peace with it.

We’re having 20 guests at our wedding, much to the fury of my partners family! Them kicking off just made us realise how right we were not to invite them!
I was very nervous about it too but honestly I felt so relieved when we just told them they weren’t coming, it’s not as bad as you think!

I'm from a big family with lots of cousins and I wouldn't be at all offended to be invited without my husband. It makes a lot of sense to be honest. It's not like there wouldn't be dozens of other people I know there. Fortunately I'm older in the family so most of my cousins didn't have long term partners at my wedding. I feel I'm in a bit of a minority here, but I'd much rather be invited to my cousin's wedding without my husband than neither of us be invited because doubling the cost of the cousin headcount is too expensive.

Since it is a tough task to create a list for the guest that is to be invited on the wedding day. As you said the wedding venue space is running out and forced to cut down the guest crowd. You have mentioned that you are not planning to invite close friends as you have planned to invite the cousins without their partners. It's better to invite colleagues without partners is fine, but not for cousins. Cousins are meant to the close relatives and you need to be faced in the future functions. So think about that before creating your wedding list. In my opinion, it's better to switch to any other banquet hall that can accompany more guests.

Guests need to remember that they are there to make your day, not the other way round

Ugh. This is an awful attitude to have.

You aren’t doing people some huge favour by allowing them to attend your wedding. Such entitlement. For most people, weddings are a huge, expensive faff. I really object to spending £££, time, annual leave etc on attending someone’s wedding only to be treated as though I am lucky to be there. No. You’re lucky that people care about you enough to make the effort and meet the expense to celebrate with you.

Are these partners the parents of your cousins’ children? So you’d be inviting someone’s partner and child but excluding them? If so, that’s outrageously rude and insulting. If not, still pretty rude if they are long term partners (I.e. your cousins are possibly spending family money on your big day without their partner making the cut) but not as bad. It’s clearly likely to upset some people.

You are obviously entitled to invite whoever you like but of course some choices have the potential to upset and offend people, understandably. You’re just going to have to deal with the fallout of that as a consequence of your decision. Or, choose a venue etc that accommodates all the people who would reasonably be offended not to be invited.

I'm all for 'your day your way' but I think I have to draw the line at inviting your cousins and their children, but not their partners (presumably the other parent of aforementioned children).

If I was the partner in the scenario I'd find that hurtful. If my DP were the partner and I were the cousin invited with our children but without him then none of us would go.

If you can't invite all then I would draw the line at 'the adults but not the children' rather than 'the blood relatives but not the in-laws'.

Or, invite just the cousins but without partners OR children. I think that would make more sense and have less potential to offend.

Work out who you want to attend, then work out the venue, not the other way around.

I hated weddings that didn't allow me a +1, and just wouldn't go (only exception would be a work friend and work colleagues went as a group without partners).

I didn't invite cousins, except for my best friend. Just cousins and partners would have added 100 to my numbers though. But I invited all the aunts and uncles, and not one of my cousins got upset. (They would have if their parents hadn't been invited though!)

As an only child that is a bit more difficult for you, because some of your cousins are probably your sibling equivalents. So instead of just drawing the line at the relationship level, draw it at what your personal relationship with them. Those who are like siblings get an invite, those who aren't my, don't.