Family input | Mumsnet

RoseA89 · 2021-11-25T21:03:28+00:00

Hi all, I’m wondering how much input your family had on your wedding. Mine are completely trying to take over and it’s really ruining it for me. I was in tears one night as mum didn’t agree with my guest list and was nasty to myself and fiancé. Thanks

Lollypop701 · 25/11/2021 21:07

Very little, but we paid for it. Why does she think she has a voice in this?

MegSpace · 25/11/2021 21:08

Very little, the ILs tried to insist some people were added to the daytime guest list (people my DH couldn't remember last time he spoke to and I had never met) but we said no as it was very expensive per head and they weren't willing to pay to cover them. One other person asked prior to me doing the seating plan not to sit on a table near someone else due to a fall out but that was it. It's your day, unless they are paying they don't get a say.

ZenNudist · 25/11/2021 21:10

I'd just stop talking to her about it. If she tries to button in tell her that she had her chance to plan her wedding and now it's your turn. Also don't accept a penny from them. Put it off or downsize if you have to.

SingingSands · 25/11/2021 21:23

My mum took over my wedding and basically designed the wedding she never had. I literally just turned up on the day and put the dress on.

I was in a very VERY vulnerable place at the time and this was my mum's way of dealing with it, instead of actually supporting me with what I was going through. She's always been a bit Hyacinth Bucket.

Still married though, 18 years later, and much stronger in how I handle my mum.

Santaischeckinglists · 25/11/2021 21:34

We uninvited mil after she rang the suit hire shop trying to change dh's order...

Original poster

RoseA89 · 25/11/2021 21:38

Thanks everyone! We are paying for the wedding as she thought she would get her own way if she made a contribution! Fiancé is really getting annoyed by it and I feel I’m in the middle trying to keep the peace.

OP posts:

Santaischeckinglists · 25/11/2021 21:46

We paid for our own. Always were. Mil never spent her own money!! Fil gave us a cheque for £200 as a wedding gift.. He was invited!!

RandomMess · 25/11/2021 21:54

If you are paying stop consulting them and just organise it how you want.

Totalwasteofpaper · 25/11/2021 22:23

Absolutely zero.

However, we funded it ourselves and were (I think) a “thoughtful” bride and groom in that we considered guests needs carefully.

We picked a convenient location, easily accessible for the older folks, and ensured they were amply fed and watered / there was shady spots and plenty of seating while we disappeared for photos (start to finish photos were 30-40 mins so not too long).
We had a lot of good food and alcohol inc free bar available all evening.

Totalwasteofpaper · 25/11/2021 22:27

Hit post by accident.

Despite this and being clear on plans and provisions…
We STILL got a load of grief and had to be VERY firm particularly with in-laws.
FIL shouted and demands invites for random people and MIL did “hysterical crying” at us around random things like the date (which everyone inc her was available for) 😑

Texasfucked · 25/11/2021 22:28

None really as we deliberately paid for it all for this reason.

My mil invited extra people and when we protested she offered to pay for them but she had to uninvite them sharpish.

Embarrassing for her but she learned her lesson.

It's hard OP, it really wore me down.

Stressymcstress · 25/11/2021 22:30

I had a huge fall out with MIL because we didn’t invite 6 of her friends (plus partners), to our wedding that was literally going to be family and 3/4 friends each. Which was still 100 people.

We ended up having to cancel our wedding and the covid rules meant 20 in the church and 8 of us for a meal - mil was annoyed at us for that too

If you’re paying do what you and your future husband want, fuck everyone else!

Lollypop701 · 25/11/2021 23:31

No pay, no say! Imo A wedding is celebration of two people coming together… so they invite people they know to celebrate their happy day. Not fil best golf buddy, or mums second cousin who you’ve never met. Not even if they pay, because bride and groom don’t want to chat to a complete stranger. Mil can throw her own party to celebrate her anniversary and invite who she wants!

Perpop · 25/11/2021 23:33

My only rule was that you don’t HAVE to do anything. Your wedding, your plans, your invite list etc. Ditch the guilt, set boundaries and enjoy yourself!

Aquamarine1029 · 25/11/2021 23:36

Stop trying to "keep the peace", FFS. No wonder your partner is annoyed. You are paying and you're not a child. Tell your mother to back right off and respect your choices, or perhaps she shouldn't attend.

Kite22 · 25/11/2021 23:48

When I asked for opinions and input, then it was given.
When I didn't, it wasn't.
However, I did enjoy involving my Mum (and to a lesser extent my now MiL) in mulling over things we were considering.

ImInStealthMode · 25/11/2021 23:51

Absolutely zero input despite making a generous donation to the budget. I've asked my Mum for opinions on a few things when I can't decide but she's not tried to impress any suggestions or ideas on to us at all.

Probably helps that she's not in the same country and so is just expected to turn up and enjoy the day.

SummaLuvin · 26/11/2021 13:05

Don't bring it up yourself, and if they do the response "it's all in hand" should cover it. Don't engage in the conversation about it.

LadyDanburysHat · 26/11/2021 13:09

@RoseA89

Thanks everyone! We are paying for the wedding as she thought she would get her own way if she made a contribution! Fiancé is really getting annoyed by it and I feel I’m in the middle trying to keep the peace.

You shouldn't be feeling in the middle of it. You need to be brave and tell your Mum to back off. It's your wedding, your guest list and she doesn't get to choose.

PanicBuyingSprouts · 28/11/2021 07:05

My DM who is usually very vocal and controlling was actually ok about it from what I remember but it helped that I sorted everything really quickly so there wasn't a lot to discuss.

I agree with the others though. Your priority should be your Wedding with your Fiancé, not keeping your DM happy.

It's time to start listening to your fiancé and setting some boundaries with DM.

afternamechangefail · 28/11/2021 07:07

@MegSpace

Very little, the ILs tried to insist some people were added to the daytime guest list (people my DH couldn't remember last time he spoke to and I had never met) but we said no as it was very expensive per head and they weren't willing to pay to cover them. One other person asked prior to me doing the seating plan not to sit on a table near someone else due to a fall out but that was it. It's your day, unless they are paying they don't get a say.

I met my in-laws rail road me into inviting 30 people (15 couples) none of whom I'd ever met.

I'm still cross with myself that I let this happen.

afternamechangefail · 28/11/2021 07:08

None really as we deliberately paid for it all for this reason.

We paid for everything too, didn't stop the arguments or the constant lobbying unfortunately