Dropping a bridesmaid

[Toppedwithsprinkles]

I got engaged Feb 2020 and am due to get married Sept 2022. When I got engaged I asked a good friend to be a bridesmaid, but throughout lockdown we barely spoke. I’ve seen her twice since, both times really awkward. Is there a polite way I can remove her as a bridesmaid?? I don’t think she’s particularly enthusiastic about it anymore either but one of us is going to have to broach the subject soon!

Just leave it and don't bother. After such a long engagement she doesn't honestly sound that interested either and who would be.

Why would you need to broach it soon you're not getting married for another year.

I’m not sure if you missed the last year but people haven’t been able to have weddings? We had to put off our original date as they weren’t allowed then and we wanted that time of year, so that’s why we had a long engagement. Thanks for your advice of ‘just don’t bother’, I’m glad you took the time out to reply with such helpful advice.

I'd call her and say you'd just been thinking about the wedding and as you're cutting down on spends and looking at keeping things more low-key would she prefer to be a guest?
You don't have to actually cut back or anything like that. The wedding is ages away so she won't have that fresh in her mind.
Likelihood is if things carry on between you as they are then she'll probably decline your invite in the end anyway.

@Cantstopthewaves thank you

Yes just say you’ve had to adjust your plans for the wedding and having a smaller bridal party. If it’s your style you could add a joke that she won’t run the risk of having to wear a dress she doesn’t like. Blame costs, venue, having to spend more money on catering than you originally planned, whatever.

I’m not sure if you missed the last year but people haven’t been able to have weddings?

Really ? Two people I know married since covid. You just couldn't have the wedding you wanted. That's the difference.

Just don't bother is helpful. Doesn't like as if you like each other anymore

@Rainbowshine thank you

@AliceinBorderland

Just leave it and don't bother. After such a long engagement she doesn't honestly sound that interested either and who would be.

Why would you need to broach it soon you're not getting married for another year.

I haven't got a clue as to the relevance of this reply. Weird.

@Toppedwithsprinkles, are you looking for a way of sending the appropriate message? Do you feel up to making a phone call?

I think a lot of people use the excuse of 'downsizing' to get out of having to have unenthusiastic guests etc.

@AliceinBorderland god forbid a couple chose the wedding they want!

@SpindelWhorl I’m assuming it’s just someone who is bored tbh.
Yes, just wondering the best way to face the issue. Downsizing does seem to be a good suggestion.

Wow. People are rude.

I always think honesty is the best policy. Just call or text her. If you want to refresh the friendship: “Hey, I’m doing some wedding planning and just thinking about your role. I haven’t seen you for ages. Do you still feel comfortable being a bridesmaid?”

If you’re sure you don’t want her as bridesmaid, “hey, how are you? I’m just thinking about the wedding. It feels a bit strange having you as a bridesmaid seeing as we’ve not seen each other for ages. You’ll understand if I send you a ‘normal’ invite instead of having you as part of the bridal party won’t you?”

Or something like that. Don’t tell her you’re reducing the bridal party if you’re not, or just leave it hanging. Get it done!

Are you having other bridesmaids? Page boys?

@AttaGirrrrl thank you. I do need to deal with it sooner rather than later for sure! When I read it as you’ve put it it doesn’t seem too bad.

@whatnumber 1 other bridesmaid and a flower girl and page boy, keeping it as small as I can

[quote Toppedwithsprinkles]@whatnumber 1 other bridesmaid and a flower girl and page boy, keeping it as small as I can[/quote]
I think this is the line I'd use. Don't ask, just say, that you'd like to scale back and keep the bridal party small and intimate.

Do be prepared for potential fallout. It sounds as though the friendship has fizzled out anyway, but saying "you're no longer my bridesmaid" is a strong statement regardless. On the other hand, perhaps your friend will be relieved - but try to be prepared either way!

... I also like AttaGirrrrl's suggestion. Perhaps you could go with a mix of "I know we haven't seen each other for a while, I wanted to update you with my plans for the wedding, I'm thinking of keeping it small and intimate" etc...

Agree with others. I'd go with we've had to adjust some of our plans for the wedding and we're going to have a smaller bridal party, (just having one bm and one flower girl). I hope you understand and will still be able to come to the wedding.

Maybe add something about it having been a strange time for everyone lately.

She probably won't be arsed tbh. If she is then she's being odd really since you've barely seen each other.

How did it go?
I think you’re doing the right thing.

@AliceinBorderland you sound like a nice person

I wouldn't ask her if she still wants to be a BM because what if she then says yes of course?

I’d downplay it as “having a smaller wedding.” She still feels special because she’s invited but doesn’t have a role. Maybe ask her to be a witness?

I wouldn’t ask her anything as people can sometimes say what they think is the least confrontational and not want to offend. So if you ask her if she wants to be a bridesmaid she might say yes even if she’s not bothered.

I’d just say something vague about rearranging things and changing plans and that you’d love her to be a guest. Did she know much about how many other bridesmaids there are? It makes the scaling back comments easier to use.

I think 'we want a small wedding' and 'we couldn't get married during Covid cos....small wedding' is a bit of a high wire act but see how you go.