Newly engaged daughter

[Northernlurker]

Very lovely and exciting. No date as yet, we're going to nose around and see what works. What do I need to know?

Congratulations, you must be so excited!

My step mum (my own mum had passed away) gave me a lot of practical support with our wedding, she would drive us to wedding venue viewings, dress appointments etc and also was a sounding board for our ideas. However her and my Dad didn’t ‘directly’ contribute financially as we wanted to go with “those who pay have a say.”

We also had conversations about which family members she wanted to invite so things were clear at the outset. I think it’s important to have these conversations early doors so there are no disappointments later on if you anticipate wider family being invited but the bride and groom want an intimate affair.

We had chosen a big venue so we said literally anyone could be invited on her side but we would appreciate if she paid for their meals. There was no hassle or stress whatsoever because we all had that talk while looking at venues.

Forgive me if you wanted to know more about actually booking a wedding rather than how to navigate dealing with your DD during this process! Your OP wasn’t totally clear.

I’m a bit of a wedding expert so do ask if you have any specific questions about the wedding itself. I’ve worked in the industry for years.

Oooh thank you! Tbh I don't know what I know or dint. I'll come back to you when we look at some places. We are encouraging them to think broadly about what they want so sounds like we are on right lines.

Are you going with them to look at venues? Are you contributing financially?

Much as it’s all very exciting I’d get that straightened out up front, if you’re that involved in the planning there may we’ll be an expectation on either side & best be honest about that up front.

Totally agree with Lawn you need to have a conversation upfront about what you are willing to contribute so that they can work out their budget and plan accordingly.

You don't want them to arrange a £45k wedding and then expect you to pick up the bill as happened to someone I know

We will be paying for it. They don't have a bean. Fortunately dd is very reasonable and frugal and we can access decent means so hopefully we can arrive at an ok solution.

And whilst we are paying I'm very aware it's not my wedding!

Hi @Northernlurker congratulations to your DD. We are just nearing the end of this journey and it's been tough due to almost a years postponement. Hopefully you won't have that to contend with now. DD and her fiancé were keen to pay and organise it themselves so I have had to find other ways to contribute without giving the impression of taking over.
The bridal party is getting ready at my house and you could say I am going a bit overboard in trying to make it perfect for them by thinking through what might be needed and what might cause stress.

The best thing I've had from my dad and step mum has been practical help and just a listening ear. My mum has been very detached, as much as I have tried to keep her involved, but her mental health is bad at the best of times, and that's just how she is.

I mean this kindly (I promise!) but agree with the others that it's important to ensure you are all on the same page from the beginning.

I couldn't imagine my mum being so excited/involved in my wedding planning, beyond smiling and nodding and making positive comments about the venue or whatever we had chosen. But then I couldn't imagine expecting my parents to pay for or even make a significant financial contribution to my wedding. If I couldn't afford a big wedding, then I wouldn't have had one. I couldn't imagine a situation where I allowed my mum to invite people or expected her to pay for them?

Huge congratulations to your daughter in any case, getting engaged is a very exciting time!

For things such as flowers etc, don't mention it's for a wedding!!! We found they raise the prices as soon as that word is mentioned!

In same boat @Northernlurker so maybe we can use this thread to chuck ideas about. My dd is thinking summer 23 as she’s a teacher. I’m thinking great idea as we can save up

Hello! Tbh we found next summer v booked up already. We have a date in July but it was the only date the venue had. So exciting
So 2023 looks good.

Ooh, how exciting.
I agree with others, I am well aware I will be very excited when any of my dc announce plans (all 3 have lovely partners, which I think helps a LOT ! - it must be a very different vibe if you aren't so keen on their choice) and I know I will have to keep reminding myself I have had my turn and this is down to them.
I think communication is key, and don't do any assuming (on either side).
Fortunately, my dc and their partners every now and then have random discussions about weddings and what they would do differently from other weddings we've been to. Not so much in a "I didn't like ...." way, but in a 'picking bits they thought were great from different people's weddings' way, so there is talk of ideas and thoughts every now and then.

One family member who got married recently was telling us they wrote guest lists in sort of concentric circles...... this is who we'd invite if we could only have 15 - 25 guests.....this is who we'd invite if we could have 25 - 40 guests..... etc as a way to focus their minds. Obviously this was brought on by COVID, but I thought it kind of makes sense to start with low numbers then feel you are 'adding people on' rather than saying 'we want to invite 80 people' then finding the perfect venue that was limited to 70 or whatever. Just struck me as being eminently sensible.