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Original poster

My brothers wedding

20 replies

Lmf85 · 09/08/2021 16:05

My brother and I are not close but I thought I got on with his fiance, we had booked a holiday for January. Anyway, my mum died 2 years ago and they are getting married in september. (My brother is not the nicest of people). My family are going for my dad more than anything. I gave them my wedding as mine did not happen for various reasons. I found out my dad had given my brother my wedding fund as well which was hurtful. I know its not my money and my dad was honest but it still upset me. I was suppose to be a bridesmaid. But through the whole process I have not met anyone from her side. Her other sister inlaw took over everything. There has been no communication with me and I have messeged to see how they are and barely ever reply. I then find out I hadn't even been invited to the hen do. I am my brothers only sister and with my mum gone I thought they would have been a little more sensitive. I have done nothing but be supportive. I feel beyond hurt and upset. She messeged saying she was doing something with her sister inlaws and people. I took that as I guess they don't see me like that then. I have refused to be a bridesmaid and I will make it clear that I won't be in any photos. I will sit at the top table just for my dads sake. But I have never felt so excluded and upset. I honestly thought family was suppose to be nicer than this. Unfortunately I am a person who keeps trying no matter how badly people treat me. But I feel this is something now that can never be fixed. I am in the right with this I think. I really don't feel cared about at the moment

OP posts:

Fullofglee · 09/08/2021 16:09

Couple of issues op you don't like them anyway maybe she wanted to do something separate with her friends. You do need to speak to your dad about asking your wedding fund away that's appalling behaviour.

Original poster

Lmf85 · 09/08/2021 16:12

I thought I really got on with my sister inlaw, I just feel they didn't take one thought into how I would be feeling or even care and its really hurtful. So is finding that out. I asked my dad if it was OK to use it for a car when I pass instead and that's when he told me

OP posts:

Muckles · 09/08/2021 16:17

How often do you see her? Are you particularly close?

Tbh I wouldn't be expecting to be invited to a hen do/involved in wedding planning unless I was very close to someone.

ActonSquirrel · 09/08/2021 16:21

She messeged saying she was doing something with her sister inlaws and people. I took that as I guess they don't see me like that then. I have refused to be a bridesmaid and I will make it clear that I won't be in any photos. I will sit at the top table just for my dads sake. But I have never felt so excluded and upset.

I'd uninvite you completely with that attitude.

She is marrying your brother not you. Although you get on don't think for a single second she knows you don't like her soon to be husband.

Hen parties are for very close friends which which are now. If you want to be spiteful and refuse to be in photos don't bother going.

It's her wedding not yours, she can invite who she likes to events.

ActonSquirrel · 09/08/2021 16:22

Which you are not close friends that should say.

Don't know what my auto correct is doing.

Original poster

Lmf85 · 09/08/2021 16:35

I thought we was close. I made every effort with her. That's just down right horrible. I booked Manchester with her on the 20th July paid for hotel and train tickets for her to turn round and say she couldn't afford it. It had been booked for months. I was polite and said don't worry. I asked for nothing. I invited her out walking most Sundays and nights out with my friends. So I thought we were, and to be fair. It's not spiteful at all. Like tge rest of my family we are going for my dad's sake not my brothers

OP posts:

Original poster

Lmf85 · 09/08/2021 16:37

I gave them both my wedding day that was half paid for, I never asked for a penny back either. That's hard enough as it is. But I thought it was a kind gesture

OP posts:

Original poster

Lmf85 · 09/08/2021 16:38

So no I really don't think I am being spiteful at all. I think I'm really hurt and upset by the treatment that has been recieved to me

OP posts:

ActonSquirrel · 09/08/2021 16:40

@Lmf85

So no I really don't think I am being spiteful at all. I think I'm really hurt and upset by the treatment that has been recieved to me

OK if you feel that way you feel that way. But going and throwing a strop and refusing to be bridesmaid or in photos would be spiteful. Go and behave or don't go.

Don't go with conditions because you feel aggrieved that is extremely spiteful.

Have you been asked to be bridesmaid as you've said you're not refusing. Asking you to be bridesmaid is hardly excluding you

ActonSquirrel · 09/08/2021 16:43

Said you're refusing sorry

Knittedfairies · 09/08/2021 16:57

Either go to the wedding and behave yourself, photos included, or stay away.

Elieza · 09/08/2021 17:02

Sounds like they are really not nice (good match for your bro then) or there have been misunderstandings.

They asked you to be a bridesmaid but didnt invite you to the hen. Weird.

However you then refusing to be a bridesmaid or be in any photos sounds like you’re throwing toys out of the pram.

Your dad may have more money aside for your car. You can always ask him if his plan re you and car still stands and see what he says.

If it was me I’d prob feel the same as you but now I’m older I’d prob not allow their fuckwittery to annoy me. And I certainly wouldn’t be all woe-is-me on the day or it’ll be twisted round and YOU would be talked about as being the weirdo. Go and be with your dad and smile in the photos etc.

Muckles · 09/08/2021 17:20

This is tricky.

It sounds like you've pursued a closer relationship with her than she would like.

Has she ever reciprocated or invited you to things?

It sounds like you two are just different. She doesn't want to be close friends. That's fine, you don't have to be. In future I'd just be civil and friendly, but accept that she doesn't want you to be super close. It's a mismatch in expectations.

Fullofglee · 09/08/2021 17:48

It sounds like you tried to forge a close friendship and she's pulled back just because your related to her dp doesn't mean you have to be best buds. The fact you don't even like your brother and going for your dad would suggest theirs history there and she might be particularly keen on you and the way you act with her dp rightly or wrong its possible there asked you to be BM because of your dad in the same reason your only going.

ChateauMargaux · 09/08/2021 18:09

I don't really understand the money situation.. you have passed on your wedding booking to them? But didn't ask them to pay you? You could say.. there has been a misunderstanding.. you owe me X for this..

But also take this up with your Dad, especially if the money has not already been handed over. Tell him it is not OK to assume that you will never get married or that the money wont be useful in other ways. Tell him that you have given them £X,000 from your wedding deposits and that you had not also expected that he would give your wedding fund to DB as well. Tell him that he will have to explain to DB that he will have to take a loan out to pay for his wedding if he can't afford it but the money from your Dad was given in error.

This will drive a rift but it sounds like a lot if unsaid things anyway.

As for the hotel and train costs... if you cannot cancel, send your soon to be sister in law the costs and say that it us unacceptable behaviour especially in light of the money they have saved using you wedding deposits and that you want your money back.

omgthepain · 09/08/2021 18:30

My brothers wife is also a bitch I didn't get a hen night invite not that I'd have wanted to socialise with her horrible friends anyway

I'm counting down the days until he realises how horrible she and her cronies are and leaves her

ActonSquirrel · 09/08/2021 18:47

@omgthepain

My brothers wife is also a bitch I didn't get a hen night invite not that I'd have wanted to socialise with her horrible friends anyway

I'm counting down the days until he realises how horrible she and her cronies are and leaves her

God the irony in that post.

You don't exactly sound a nice person 🤣

Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc · 09/08/2021 23:21

She messeged saying she was doing something with her sister inlaws and people.

Was that her inviting you? - as you are her SIL.
If I was a SIL and a bridesmaid and the bride messaged me saying I’m doing something with all my SILs
I would assume I was invited.

You should go and participate or not go at all. Not going to their day and then sulking at the top table.

It’s lovely of you to give away your wedding but also that’s your choice, and I’m not sure what you were expecting given you said your brother isn’t v nice and you aren’t close
You say in your op it wasn’t going to happen anyway, maybe they’re grateful for a half paid for wedding, but maybe they don’t see it as a great gift from you if you were going to lose that money and not get married that day anyway, and maybe you’re expecting a bit more appreciation from them than they feel?
I imagine it’s quite hurtful to see your brother get married and to feel left out on what should’ve been a special day for you, is it possible that’s adding to your anger and isolation a bit?

Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc · 09/08/2021 23:24

Also I can’t believe people are saying to tell your dad it’s not ok to give your money away

Ahem
It’s his money
He doesn’t owe any of you anything
Pay for your own car and wedding like most of the population or be grateful and humble for whatever you get
You can’t demand money like pp are suggesting

Kite22 · 09/08/2021 23:30

I am very confused by your posts, as there is lots I don't understand what you mean, but, from what I can pick up, you need to either choose to not go to the wedding, or to choose to go and go with good grace and a pleasant attitude.
You don't sound like you are being very pleasant or helpful.

It really isn't strange that a bride would want to go out for a night out with her close friends before the wedding. There is no 'obligation' or expectation to invite people you aren't close to, just because they are goig to be related to you after the wedding.

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