Wondering if I am being selfish/unrealistic/trying to have it all by having two weddings effectively? I am also worried that people will see the second wedding as gratuitous dress up and not go etc or feel a bit cheated. Should I just pick one option and stick with that?
Should I give this spiritual wedding idea up? Have a private handfasting later and get legally married in the conventional way for friends and family to witness? Or have a legal handfasting in Scotland and then a celebrant led wedding for everyone else the month after?
I'm wondering about going up to Scotland to have a handfasting with just us, our children and the dog before a public ceremony in England. Deep down my dream has always been to go on a long walk then get married, in the rain, all muddy, somewhere that nature has done the venue dressing for me, before going back to our camper van and a nice pub meal. We are very outdoorsy so this would be a celebration of how we spend 90% of our free time. Realistically this will involve a photographer, a celebrant and two witnesses for the legal bit unlike our usual family walks, however my mother wants to be a witness to our wedding which would be lovely but she is absolutely against walking up a mountain, her idea of a walk is from the car to the nearest shop and she is insisting (an understatement) that we should stick to our original venue choice. My father has offered to go but as my mother raised me alone she would see that as a huge snub, family politics!
We have come up against lots of irrational constraints trying to book a wedding, venues can't do this, registrars can't do that. A big one for us was being told that a civil ceremony can't have any religious content and that apparantly a handfasting is too religious. Frankly being told that because my church is the great outdoors I can't get married legally there or even have religious content in my ceremony is really upsetting, I would identify as a pagan and I think the state is discriminating against my religious beliefs. They haven't been polite about it either. I am now extremely reluctant to have some poe faced state official marry me with a bog standard impersonal ceremony, I'm feeling very sour and rebellious about it! However apparantly a pagan ceremony is entirely legal in Scotland AND we would be able to have it outdoors, on a mountain no less. This sounds fantastic, the only problem is my relatives would be travelling from cornwall and most of them have said they can't make it, too far/too expensive/ill health/never hiked a day in their lives. Also, I don't want the photographer to be my witness, I want people that mean something to me to be witnesses.
We have however already booked a great big expensive wedding at a historic hall with everything OTT, pretty much the complete opposite of this vision. It is nice and will probably look fantastic but it isn't meaningful or spiritual (thanks to the registry office) although it is personalised because we picked it and decorated it as befits us. The important bit about that day is that we will have our wedding witnessed by our friends and family and give them a great time too hopefully, this will effectively be our reception but I am not sure if this should be the legal ceremony or a public celebration of our marriage. This if you like will be our public declaration of our love for each other and our marriage, but I am really longing for a private outdoor ceremony too, not least because I want to do it first away from people staring at me and in my own words and really feel and enjoy that moment rather than feeling like I am performing! I'm just not sure that other people will understand this, they think they are going to see the real thing. Real to them maybe but it won't feel very real to me if my beliefs and prefrences are not being honoured by the registrar! If we married legally in Scotland we would use a celebrant for the hall and again have a personal ceremony tailored to the occassion for those who could not attend the first one. My mother and future in laws on the other hand is very keen that it is the legal ceremony at the hall and that people only want to come to see a legal wedding. She and future in laws keep insisting that we can have a commitment ceremony on our own instead, not the real thing. I'm not sure everyone understands my beliefs, many people seem to think we should just 'deal with it' as that's how it is for everyone? That a second wedding would be inauthentic?
Should we just make our wild mountain wedding a post wedding commitment ceremony like most pagans have to do? That doesn't feel as special though for some reason. The big wedding is the one that is meant to be the theatre and tradition, it seems more appropriate that it is not the legal one. I really think I will always regret not having my honest mountain ceremony in one form or another. I would also regret not having my friends and family there too though. It is a tricky one. How would you weight these? I'm imaginging the place written forever on my wedding certificate and I think the mountain is more honest to who I am and what I believe.
Also we have put this off long enough because of covid anyway, I just want it done. I'm worried our winter hall wedding will get cancelled (again) due to covid or family will be barred because some of them are not vaccinated etc and mountains in winter are no fun to go up as a back up, so it will all be on hold until next summer again. I think I am quite anxious I will end up with no wedding at all if I put all my eggs in one basket due to covid.