How did you decide the guest list

[Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc]

TLDR: big family wants invite to small wedding. If we increase numbers to invite the people we are actually close to, that causes lots of issues still. (Eg. Can I invite my cousin but not her partner, can I invite the cousin I speak with weekly, but not her sister who I haven’t spoken to for 4 years)

We would love to have our whole family and all of our friends at our wedding.
However we don’t have a lot of money, and we are trying to keep the cost of the wedding to £1000 or less. And realistically whilst we can spend a little more, I can’t justify spending money that we need, on paying for what is effectively just a big party. (I know that’s not how a lot of people feel, but it’s how we feel)

Originally we planned to elope, but our parents made it very clear how hurt they’d be.
Then we thought we could do a micro wedding, but before we told anyone the whole family started talking about how they couldn’t wait for our wedding, saying another chance for everyone to get together next year after being part so much recently, everyone’s so excited, Even extended family, who had never even been on my radar as potentially an issue to not invite, have been messaging me about how they can’t wait for our wedding next year and getting to see everyone and celebrating our wedding with us.

To be clear all we’ve said so far is we are engaged, we’re probably thinking sometime next year or the year after.

We looked at increasing the guest list but that still leaves lots of issues.
For example I speak with one cousin weekly, but not her two siblings, though we were all close as kids. So can I invite her but not them?

I’d love to have some more friends there, and I’m v good friends with some of their partners, but I’ve never spoken to some of them,
So do I not invite the ones I’m friends with - which will insult them
Do I invite them but not the ones I don’t know - which will insult the friends without a +1
or do I invite the ones I’ve never spoken to - but then I’ve got someone at my wedding I don’t know but not my cousin/other relative that could’ve taken that place.

I just don’t know how you decide who’s there and who isn’t there
Or how you deal with the hurt feelings, with people who aren’t invited?!

Also the venue we want holds 40 so someone has to be left out really, or we change to a different venue

If you invited absolutely everyone, how many people does that come to?

If that takes you way over, could you do the ceremony with minimal people (just parents if they were upset at the thought of you eloping?)

Then do a party for everyone, without the sit down meal, that would keep the costs down.

Day time we've got immediate family only, so parents, siblings and nieces/nephews plus our very closest friends who are bridesmaids/groomsmen.
In the evening we only invited people we are in touch with. That meant most cousins weren't invited, just the couple we speak to.
We are due to have our wedding in under two weeks, our third date we've arranged it, and really I've got to the point whereby I'm glad we didn't invite lots of random people just because they are family.

DP has 3 best friends he was would be upset if they weren’t there.
And the wedding is so tiny there’s no evening bit - it’s the ceremony and a meal, so we can’t have people just join later unfortunately

We dealt with this by saying (mainly to certain family members in advance of sending out invitations so that expectations were realistic) that, like most weddings, we’d had a limit on numbers so decided we would not have any guest at our wedding if one of us hadn’t met them. This way it explained why certain family members would be invited while others weren’t.
In the case of my friends, we adopted a similar approach and invited 4 without partners as I wanted all 4 there rather than choosing which 2 to come with a partner. As it was more of a relaxed meal rather than formal reception with dancing afterwards, they were each happy to come without partners.
In the case of a couple of my DH’s friends, some were single and others we invited the partners if they had to travel some distance requiring an overnight stay.
Either way, our guests wouldn’t actually know whether we’d both met each of the guests or not, and it was a simple way to try to avoid causing offence.
It will work out in the end once you sit down and write your “A-list”.

As lovely as a big family do is, every person at a wedding costs a fortune. It’s not just another meal . It’s another invitation, extra chair hire,wedding favour and then double it for a plus one.
Stick with 40 if you are on a budget and make sure everyone knows that unfortunately that’s all the venue holds - nothing personal.

We had a similar number of invites. I have a massive family (29 cousins) We invited only our parents, siblings and their children from each family. That came to 14. I had a favourite aunt too who gets on very well with DH.

I found the really tricky bit with a smaller wedding to be how to factor in the “RSVP can’t make it”. Do you invite a few extra knowing some might not make it (risky if they all say yes) or have some in reserve ( awkward because they then feel they are B list).
Especially difficult when people don’t RSVP back quickly.

We went with the mantra of "if we wouldn't take them out for dinner and pay, why would we pay for them at our wedding?"

Ruthless, maybe. However we didn't want random extended family members coming just because they were blood related. In some instances, I had never met them in 5 years of knowing my SO!

@Alarae

We went with the mantra of "if we wouldn't take them out for dinner and pay, why would we pay for them at our wedding?"

Ruthless, maybe. However we didn't want random extended family members coming just because they were blood related. In some instances, I had never met them in 5 years of knowing my SO!

I think this is how we started and then have moved away from this. Maybe we need to be ruthless and go over the list asking this question of every guest.

Who would you like to be there?

Just invite them.

@myotherusernameistaken

Who would you like to be there?

Just invite them.

There’s people that I don’t really mind either way if they’re there or not, but equally I don’t want to fall out with them, upset them, or damage my relationship with them - which is what I think could be potential outcomes if they’re not invited

There’s also people that If money was no object I would love to have them there, but it is unfortunately!