So stressed with wedding planning! Guest list and gift list...

[Cerulean60]

I'm getting married later this year (Covid postponement from 2020!) and am getting so stressed trying to navigate etiquette and politics.

Firstly - guest list. I must have updated this about 20 times over the last year, moving people from day to evening, back to day, back to evening, and removing some people completely, adding plus ones, removing plus ones... There are considerations re budget, coronavirus, my anxieties about saying my vows in front of a big audience etc. We've come up with a final list now and I'm set here writing my invites and feeling AWFUL about sending people evening-only lists, having visions they're going to be hugely offended and it'll damage the relationship.

I'm also getting stressed over the gift list. I looked at Prezola but there's nothing we really wanted. OH wants to ask for honeymoon contributions but I saw stuff online where people said this was vulgar, particularly where the couple can afford it. We can afford it in that it was always part of our wedding budget so it's been saved for. On the other hand, we live in a small flat and want to move to a house next year, so we're also saving for that - it's not like we're very settled and comfortable financially, we're just not broke either. I've now become worried about asking for honeymoon contributions. This is entirely normal amongst my friends - most of whom asked for cash gifts for their weddings - but reading stuff online has got me second-guessing the idea.

I'm also stressing about a million and one other things but these are the top two things keeping me awake at night!

We didn't even want the big wedding - we wanted a microwedding with close family only, but my family convinced us we'd regret it; and it's been nothing but stress. Everyone keeps saying 'it's your wedding, do what you like', but what I'd like is for no-one to be offended by choices we're making and I'm struggling to navigate that.

Does anyone have any advice?

Thank you

Please don’t be stressed op. Please also ignore the nonsense on here about weddings, in real life no one reacts like this. Evening invites are fine as is asking for a cash contribution.

Just do your wedding and have a brilliant time.

I think evening invites are fine, as long as they're local people. My DH seems to think an invite is a summons so we've travelled the length of the country and paid for a hotel to go to an evening reception with v little food. I don't mind colleagues who are a 10 min taxi ride home, but I do resent a hotel as an evening only guest

@Iwantcauliflowercheese

Evening invitations are horrible. I went to a wedding before lockdown and there had been a huge number of guests for the full wedding. When we arrived there were about the same number arriving for the evening only. There were no chairs or tables provided for the later guests and some were elderly. A huge evening buffet was provided on top of the four course meal the day guests had had, but the day guests got in first and hoovered up all the nice food. One of the bridesmaids gave me her seat, but most evening guests handed over their gifts and went home. I felt awkward and didn't stay long. I think that it's far better to invite people for the whole day and stick to the number you can afford.

Not saying that doesn't sound shit, it absolutely does, but surely none of the issues you had were about being an evening guest per se, that's just general really bad hospitality on the part of the bride and groom? It should be perfectly feasible to keep evening only guests fed, watered and comfortable if you make proper provision if you know you're having them, e.g. order a large enough buffet for everyone to arrive at an appropriate time, day and evening guests to have some, make sure there's enough seating, access to a bar etc? I've been to some lovely weddings as an evening guest and not felt at all slighted or put out, I do think it's important to be careful with timings, I've been to one or two where everything has clearly run really late and evening guests have been arriving as speeches and/or the meal are still ongoing and have had to squeeze in pending the room being rearranged or wait a long time for evening food having skipped dinner in anticipation of the buffet which is a bit awkward...

I do think as others have said, you absolutely shouldn't divide friends/family you are equally close to into day/evening or invite someone evening only if you'd expect to attend the whole day at their wedding as that has the potential to cause upset, and I would personally only invite people who live fairly locally to evening only as it's a bit much for someone to come a long way and presumably stay over or have to not drink so as to drive back or have an expensive taxi, only for an evening do. But for people like work colleagues, hobby acquaintances, school run Mums or similar, people who really wouldn't expect or want to come to the whole thing, it's nice to acknowledge them and have them pop in to have a quick drink or similar, I don't see the great offence or hassle there?

Obviously if you prefer you could just stick to day only and have only one guest list, or if you are for whatever reason getting married far from 'home' then it's impractical to have evening guests, or if you simply prefer a smaller wedding that's up to you, it's your wedding. But I don't get the general hatred/MN 'ban' on ever having evening guests based on the odd bad experience - then again most MN-etters claim to have had a horrible time at every wedding ever so I'm surprised this board even exists since it clearly encourages such anti-social, CFerry as having a wedding at all

@Shirleyphallus

On Mumsnet everyone gets hideously offended by even being invited to a wedding but in real life evening invitations and requests for contributions are absolutely fine

Congratulations, relax and enjoy it!

This.

I'm always amazed on Mumsnet, at the clutching of pearls. In real life it's completely normal and accepted to a) invite people to an evening reception and b) ask for a contribution to a honeymoon.

As a wedding guest, I'd rather give something to the couple that I know is going to be appreciated - if that's cash, so be it. Better than buying a vase or something that's not their taste and is just shoved in a cupboard or given away.

@muddledmidget

I think evening invites are fine, as long as they're local people. My DH seems to think an invite is a summons so we've travelled the length of the country and paid for a hotel to go to an evening reception with v little food. I don't mind colleagues who are a 10 min taxi ride home, but I do resent a hotel as an evening only guest

Agree.

I'm not offended by an evening invite, I've been to plenty and will be inviting evening only guests to my own - but I wouldn't necessarily be forking out for a hotel etc for it. I've considered who is local when making my guest list.

I'm with the get off mums net advice.

Your wedding will be lovely.

Asking for cash for a honeymoon is perfectly normal and has been for the last 20 years. (Lots prefer it because it is much easier to stick cash in an envelope).

At the venue have something to collect the envelopes in (a nice gift bag works) - probably at the reception - and task someone very reliable with looking after it - once when all the day guests have arrived and then again when the evening guests have arrived. It is very easily misplaced.....or if you are in a public place - stolen by an opportunist.

Just ask for cash. Mumsnet is the only place where this doesn't seem to be the norm. If people don't want to give cash then they either won't or they'll give you a bottle of champagne or something. Yes it's a bit crass but really don't sweat it, it's what the majority of people do as far as I know and it seems equally normal amongst your friends too?

I don’t really like the idea of a two tier guest list so only had day guests at my wedding. In my social circle no one has had separate evening guests. I think this was made easier because none of us had a wedding in a hotel or venue that did packages, we used dry hire venues and chose our own caterers- this made it more affordable to have lots of guests. Especially when we were able to buy in all of the alcohol ourselves with no corkage.
We didn’t have a gift list. About 50% of people gifted us money which we used towards our honeymoon. 25% vouchers which we used to buy some nice things for our house. The other 25% gave us some lovely thoughtful gifts.

The rude bit is asking for money not people giving it to you. Most people expect to get you a gift as it’s a celebration and it’s traditional to have a wedding gift list.
I’d go with the advice to have a list of things you need from John Lewis or somewhere easy. Start really cheap and people who feel bad giving money because it implies no thought, can buy you a little something too.
We had “no gifts” as guests spent a lot on flying out but we still got champagne, frames and pictures.