So stressed with wedding planning! Guest list and gift list...

[Cerulean60]

I'm getting married later this year (Covid postponement from 2020!) and am getting so stressed trying to navigate etiquette and politics.

Firstly - guest list. I must have updated this about 20 times over the last year, moving people from day to evening, back to day, back to evening, and removing some people completely, adding plus ones, removing plus ones... There are considerations re budget, coronavirus, my anxieties about saying my vows in front of a big audience etc. We've come up with a final list now and I'm set here writing my invites and feeling AWFUL about sending people evening-only lists, having visions they're going to be hugely offended and it'll damage the relationship.

I'm also getting stressed over the gift list. I looked at Prezola but there's nothing we really wanted. OH wants to ask for honeymoon contributions but I saw stuff online where people said this was vulgar, particularly where the couple can afford it. We can afford it in that it was always part of our wedding budget so it's been saved for. On the other hand, we live in a small flat and want to move to a house next year, so we're also saving for that - it's not like we're very settled and comfortable financially, we're just not broke either. I've now become worried about asking for honeymoon contributions. This is entirely normal amongst my friends - most of whom asked for cash gifts for their weddings - but reading stuff online has got me second-guessing the idea.

I'm also stressing about a million and one other things but these are the top two things keeping me awake at night!

We didn't even want the big wedding - we wanted a microwedding with close family only, but my family convinced us we'd regret it; and it's been nothing but stress. Everyone keeps saying 'it's your wedding, do what you like', but what I'd like is for no-one to be offended by choices we're making and I'm struggling to navigate that.

Does anyone have any advice?

Thank you

Agree - ignore Mumsnet when it comes to weddings, there's some very strange ideas on here.

In real life most people enjoy going to the weddings of people they like, appreciate the choices they've made, have a fab time and want to give a useful and appreciated gift/ contribution. So happy to receive an evening invitation and happy to receive a wedding list or request.

That said we didn't have a gift list or request for our wedding, most people gave us cash or JL vouchers (and we'd moved house the month before our wedding so had lots of kitting out to do). I spent them on something such as lamps for the lounge or table mats, or blind for bathroom, etc, and told them in their thank you notes what we had been able to buy. A few others gave us thoughtful gifts, we were really chuffed.

OP, for our wedding, we didn't mention gifts to guests at all. I put together a very small gift list at John Lewis because I knew my older relatives would expect it. But I gave the details to my DM and MIL as I knew it would be them who would be asked by my Aunts etc. I asked them to only share it if specifically asked. Everyone else gave money, department shop vouchers or champagne. I think the days of you being at risk of getting 4 toasters are long gone. Other than my DM and MIL, I didn't mention gifts to anyone.

I also think evening invitations are fine for e.g. work colleagues, parents of friends, friends of parents etc as long as your wedding is reasonably local. I don't get the MN horror at evening invitations but I do understand that some people feel it difficult to decline a wedding invitation.

Can I ask, has anyone said that they disagree with your choices?

Don't mention evening invites on MN, they don't think they're worth the paper they're written on!

I'm more comfortable contributing to a house/furniture etc because I know 25 years on, I'm still eating off plates bought for us, using cutlery from our list and I think of the people who bought us things still in use now. We had a nice honeymoon, but I remember very little of it tbh - just like any holiday way back in our lives, and contributing to something already booked and paid for before the wedding means I know I'm not actually buying them dinner on the beach or whatever, just putting money in the bank.
OTOH I'm in no way offended by evening invites for local guests, esp people from work/ sports club etc

I really don't understand why people are so against giving money instead of a gift for a wedding. Personally, I would much rather give a sum of money to be spent on something the bride and groom actually want, rather than buying a random gift of my choosing. I really don't see giving cash as vulgar at all.

@RosieGuacamosie

Honestly, I think it’s better to not invite people at all than to invite them to evening only. Not invited people will understand you’re only having a small wedding and I think it’s much better than a two tier system to be honest. This will probably be an unpopular opinion but evening guest to me says “I want you to come, but not enough to stump up for /allocate you to have a day guest place.

Also, I’m another one who thinks it’s quite rude to ask for money. The most polite way to do it is to say nothing, most people will just give cash or vouchers and if people ASK what you would like, then you can tell them you’d like XYZ towards your honeymoon. I think it’s quite to include a gift list with the invitation, a bit like “here buy me presents”!

But is “I want you to come, but not enough to stump up for /allocate you to have a day guest place" better than "Sorry you're not invited at all".

One of my colleagues got married last year, and I remember a few people saying they didn't expect a day invite but were disappointed not to have been invited to the evening.

I guess you can't please everyone and this is what makes it so stressful!

We never mentioned gifts to guests but just told MIL and DM that anything towards honeymoon would be most appreciated if anyone asked them. Ended up with 99% cash gifts and a set of crystal tumblers (lovely and used daily).

MN are mad about evening invites. I had them at my wedding and have been an evening only guest at lots of weddings. If I want to go, I go: never heard of anyone in RL who has been offended - surely ppl understand how expensive weddings are? Personally I’d always rather be invited to a wedding than ignored! The etiquette around gift lists has really shifted in the last 20 years or so: I’ve not been to any ‘young’ weddings where money and or honeymoon vouchers haven’t been normal. Honestly op, just don’t listen to anyone on here and do what you think will work for your friends and family who love you and want the best for you. And I hope you have an amazing wedding (& more importantly a wonderful marriage!).

See to me evening guest says ‘you know I love you but I can only invite x people as it’s insanely expensive, and I’ve got too many bloody aunts I have to invite. Come for the party, no stress if it’s too much of a hassle but I’d love to see you’.

People online criticise asking for money but every wedding I’ve been to in the last 5 years (and there’s been a lot as I’m in that stage of life) either asks for money or just doesn’t say anything about gifts so I assume money. I’d never turn up without a gift and I’d also not turn up with something for a home that people may not want.
Added to that I’ve never been offended to be asked to am evening part of a wedding; I’ve planned my own and understand how hard it is to narrow it down to an amount of people in budget and to feel resentful that you have to use day spaces on family when you’d rather use them on friend

This is mumsnet, you can't win here. Asking for money is rude, gift lists are grabby and don't even think about charity donations because no WAY would a mumsnetter have their charitable donations dictated to them. Then see the numbers of threads from people wondering if it's normal that they don't have any friends...

The easiest way to not offend anyone with evening guests is to assess, honestly, if you would make the 'day list' if they got married. Most people are understanding because of different family sizes and budgets, but the main way of putting someone out is if they perceive an asymmetrical friendship.

Evening guest to me are colleagues and distant relatives I think it would be cheeky putting a list in for evening invites.

Not read the whole thread - surely the easiest answer will be to have the small wedding ceremony that you want, then just a party in the evening afterwards for everyone you’d like to invite. That way you avoid the day/evening issue

I've gone beyond caring. People want to be there or they don't. We said we didn't want any gifts but if people did want to give a gift, a contribution towards our honeymoon would be gratefully received. Our day is immediate family only and very closest friends who are bridesmaids/groomsmen. Everyone else is evening. Everyone who said they were coming last time round got first dibs with no extras, and then those that said no last time have not been reinvited, purely because we lost our venue and had to get the numbers down. There have been no additional plus ones added on, just one removed. We lost our evening caterer a few weeks ago and our venue have offered to put on pizza and salad for everyone. I worried that some won't like pizza, but to I've had to let go because I haven't got the energy to find another caterer at short notice.
Honestly it doesn't matter what you do, someone won't be happy. If they cannot be happy on your wedding day then they do not deserve your time or energy.

I love evening only invites.
I get fed and can join in the dancing but I’m not hanging around all day.

@leakymcleakleak

If you didn't mention gifts at all, what do you think people would do? In our case, we didn't mention gifts, a number of people asked my parents and they told them we were saving for a house but there was no obligation to give anything. We got about 80% cash gifts and an assortment of kind, weird and wonderful gifts ranging from fancy kitchen knives to paintings that I actually really like. I'm never sure why people feel they have to put something with the invitation, as that can sound like you're asking for something.

This x 100. It avoids making people who can't afford (maybe unbeknownst to the couple) to give a lot feel uncomfortable.

I think asking for gifts towards a honeymoon is probably the least comfortable option - in both cases I was asked, it felt quite distasteful. One wanted a 3 part, 3 week holiday including one week of adventure sports in Italy, one week of gastronomy in France, and one week of Safari in South Africa. The other couple wanted to go around Nepal. It felt really off when most of the guest list would never be able to do such a thing.

We had a small list of general items people could get if they asked but we also had plenty of thoughtful gifts and a couple of cash gifts from people who just did their own thing. We also got a bespoke painting from someone which was a lovely surprise.

We got married on Saturday, spent as night opening cards 🥰

We received money, gift cards for restaurants nearby, a hotel stay, Amazon vouchers and M&S vouchers plus 6 bottles of champagne.

We never mentioned gifts at all!

I’ve never been offended to receive an evening only invite but usually make an excuse not to go. I’m just not that into partying!

In Australia, cash is standard as a gift now for weddings. It makes sense now with couples living together before getting married. I would rather gift money which the couple can use rather than an appliance that will be sold or put in a cupboard!

In the two years pre-COVID I went to 34 weddings, yes absolutely insane, and all were a cash gift.

As a guest, I also appreciate a clear directive (but not a cutesy poem!). I like the simple,

‘Your presence at our wedding is enough of a gift, but should you wish, we’d greatly appreciate a contribution towards our dream honeymoon/new home/renovation.’

Not literally asking for cash, no obligation to contribute, but also giving a personal touch (one friend in her thank you letter to guests shared how contributions were applied to their house reno - mine was the toilet which made me laugh!).

Evening invitations are horrible. I went to a wedding before lockdown and there had been a huge number of guests for the full wedding. When we arrived there were about the same number arriving for the evening only. There were no chairs or tables provided for the later guests and some were elderly. A huge evening buffet was provided on top of the four course meal the day guests had had, but the day guests got in first and hoovered up all the nice food. One of the bridesmaids gave me her seat, but most evening guests handed over their gifts and went home. I felt awkward and didn't stay long. I think that it's far better to invite people for the whole day and stick to the number you can afford.

@Shirleyphallus

On Mumsnet everyone gets hideously offended by even being invited to a wedding but in real life evening invitations and requests for contributions are absolutely fine

Congratulations, relax and enjoy it!

I agree that only on here have I encountered weddings that do not have evening guests (aside from destination weddings). Also, even though I do not really like being asked for money, it does take a stress away.

I LOVE only being invited to the evening.

Don’t stress Op.
After having to cancel your original wedding try and relax and enjoy the run-up to this one.
If anyone is mightily offended by an evening invitation then they won’t come (most rational people think the same as you, ie they are perfectly fine for colleagues and acquaintances).
I also have absolutely no objection to contributing to someone’s honeymoon. I’d far rather pay for their Pina Coladas for two weeks than some stupid blender that gets shoved in a cupboard getting dusty.

We got married three years ago and never mentioned gifts. A few people asked my mum / ILs who said that money would be appreciated.
90% guests gave cash, a few gave vouchers and we got a fair bit of champagne too. It's standard to give money, I wouldn't worry.

Equally, if people want to get you a gift, they’ll get you a gift.