Looking for some advice on invitation etiquette. Long story short, when we were married nearly 25 years ago, we had little money so could not afford a wedding celebration of any kind. Both sets of parents did not want us to get married. They had differing reasons, all untrue. We’re different religions although my DH family we’re not practising, it was a big deal to them when we were getting married. I’m very respectful of their religion and have consistently been throughout our marriage, attending Servicrs and religious celebrations when they rarely did attend . My parents didn’t approve of DH religion and also thought he was after a work permit to my country (which he didn’t need as he had one, additionally I joined him in UK on fiancée visa anyway, have always lived here since.) Both sets of parents only reluctantly came to the wedding (registry office location and date insisted upon by my MIL) and made restrictions on who we could tell and invite only my immediate family. MIL had very small lunch at her house after the registry office. Sandwiches and tea, an iced cake off the shelf from M&S. so no flowers, borrowed a wedding dress from a friend as I could not even afford one from charity shops, no photos, nothing. We had little money and had to be grateful for the sandwich lunch. We couldn’t even do that ourselves as we had so little that we often had to put food back at the till when doing our weekly food shop.
My parents did nothing but they did come to UK for the wedding. I believe they thought that was their contribution. Even though they paid for elaborate engagement party for my sister, then two lavish, all out weddings (she divorced her 1st DH fairly quickly). Though many years later my mum bought me some good china after my grandmother visited for Christmas one year and commented to mum that we were using every day crockery and cutlery for Xmas lunch, I had to remind her that we sadly had received no wedding presents and could not afford to buy these things. My lovely Nan later bought us a canteen of “good” cutlery too. By the way, there’ll be no presents for this party. It’s not about that, just advising how embarrassing things were at times throughout the years. There’s been questions why no wedding photo. We had no money. I couldn’t work until we were married (visa restrictions) and the money I brought with me was halved by poor exchange rate.
This lack of just celebrating with friends and wider family, a sense of our marriage being an embarrassment to our parents etc bothered me for years. Took a few years before my mother would even acknowledge my married name. I’ve also had people comment to me through the years as to why they weren’t invited to our wedding, that they were hurt.
For many years, DH has promised we would have another wedding, done right. Well, Now we are close to being married 25 years and we are planning an anniversary party next spring (2022) as we can finally afford to do something. We are now in a position to do it very nicely, gorgeous venue, drinks, toasts, canapés, lovely lunch, music, cake, photos etc. Not renewing vows (though I’d like to, have dreamed of having people witness our marriage, dreamed of a dress (age appropriate now), oh I’d love to have had a wedding bouquet) but will just have a lovely dress of some kind, not at all wedding dress, no hats or anything as much as that but “naice”.
We have a budget for 100 people. No more. As no ceremony, we are inviting people’s young children too. So numbers are being taken up that way too. Nephews have children, one of our friends has primary aged children, so we know weekend babysitting may be an issue as it was for us through the years.
Now my quandary.
I’d like to invite a good amount of my extended family and life long friends BUT it’s another country for them, long haul flight, hotel, transport. It’s not actually a wedding ( even though it is that important to me). So I don’t really know who would actually come. I know some (now) elderly relatives have never left the country, no passports and I believe may never have flown. But They’d be very hurt if others in the family were invited but we did not invite them. For Some cousins, it would also be questionable either considering costs or ability to take the time off work (country has far fewer holiday entitlement than UK).
How do we handle invitations? Do we invite family first and give a shorter rsvp date so we can then invite UK friends? Would it be rude to ask them to let us know now (or soon) if they’d come so know numbers and could invite others in their place if they cannot come? Of course, we’re hoping covid is not going to interfere.
What is the best thing to do and not be seen as rude?