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Original poster

Secret wedding

15 replies

Wavymess · 01/05/2021 23:38

Has anyone surprised their family with a ‘secret’ wedding
a colleague told me they were having a gender reveal/baby shower and they would surprise family by getting married at it too.

We would like to be married, have a nice photo or two, not really have any pressure or stress about the day, and I know my parents would be upset if they weren’t at my wedding
This seems like a nice way to juggle that without spending a fortune

Just wondering if anyone has done anything similar and how it went? Did they guess what was happening? Or do you regret the wedding being small?

OP posts:

idontlikealdi · 01/05/2021 23:48

I had the big wedding, loved it. Watching friends trying to navigate Covid weddings, I'd do the small one and have a big fuck off party in a couple of years.

EWAB · 02/05/2021 11:13

Obviously this had absolutely nothing to do with me but my partner’s brother did this. I was planning a holiday with my crew and didn’t think it was a big deal missing BiL’s birthday party. He kept ringing to check partner and younger son were definitely coming to ‘birthday’ when in fact it was his wedding.
Partner rocked up for the party not only with our son but my eldest boy as ex was ill; they were a bit sniffy and eldest was made to feel bad and I hate them for it. Partner and boys thought all the decorations were just for a wedding taking place in another part of hotel.
As I said nothing to do with me; but had I known it was a wedding I would have not gone on holiday. It illustrated (not for first time) my eldest son and I were irrelevant to them.
Guests who are prepared to give some celebrations a miss would not be prepared to miss a wedding. Apparently at BiL’s wedding people who were alone felt bad to be at a wedding without their spouses.
Again people can do as they please but I think guests might feel initially a bit ill at ease.

EWAB · 02/05/2021 11:23

Discombobulated is the word I want to use for guests when they rock up. What I would be worried about is say for example a close family member or friend felt a bit off colour and thought they would stay in to get back on their feet as “ hey a gender reveal, birthday etc, I can take them out for lunch to make up for it...” but you’d be devastated to miss their wedding and you’d make an effort and the bride and groom would be devastated.

AC12reject · 02/05/2021 11:33

I've been to one but it worked out well. Disguised as a birthday party so everyone had clothes to wear out and it was very intimate and lovely.
I've been invited to another and had to be told it was a wedding as it is on a public holiday that I will likely have to work and was not wasting a day's leave on whatever it was masquerading as. As it was I'd probably have been there in shorts or leggings and feeling very uncomfortable. Now that I know and others don't, I'll equally feel like a plank turning up in a dress so it is hard to know what to do. I like to budget, so a surprise wedding is going to be at least 100quid of a gift I genuinely don't mind paying but need notice so I can plan accordingly.
My wedding was pretty small as weddings go but it was planned, people knew what they were going to and it was an enjoyable affair. Small weddings are lovely but please consider telling people what they are going to.

ElspethFlashman · 02/05/2021 11:40

I remember an interview with Jennifer Aniston when she married Justin T, the guests were told that it was his birthday party.

She said some of the guests felt a bit embarrassed because they turned up in jeans and flip flops. I bet that would be me!

And I'm sure some friends didn't make it, thinking it was just a birthday and were kicking themselves afterwards.

I think it's less risky to just elope and then throw a big party later on. Everyone gets all glammed up and knows what the occasion is.

Tibtab · 02/05/2021 11:41

Can’t you have a registry office ceremony but only tell your parents a few days in advance? Then they can still go but it’s too late for people to do much interfering.
Ha ha I had an actual secret wedding and eloped, told my parents afterwards.

Original poster

Wavymess · 02/05/2021 15:24

@EWAB

I understand what you mean @ewab and sorry you were made to feel that way. I had thought that if we said it was a belated engagement party or something like that, rather than a birthday, the people who want to be there would view it as important enough to be there.

Part of what I hate about weddings is the sense of obligation. I have been to plenty of weddings because I know I should, I couldn’t afford them, maybe things were very busy and I could’ve done with the free weekend, and I had to go because I felt obligated. I would want people at mine who really want to be there

However I appreciate then that ‘birthday’ may be viewed very differently and so the ‘fake event’ needs to be suitable.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wavymess · 02/05/2021 15:28

@AC12reject it sounds like picking the right the fake event is the key here

We don’t care about gifts either, I know people may feel obligated, but genuinely that’s part of what we want to avoid.

OP posts:

AC12reject · 02/05/2021 17:19

The right fake event is very key @Wavymess. I know my friends are not fussed about gifts but I would feel so awkward being empty handed or in a pair of leggings for a bbq or something when they're going to be in a dress.

Original poster

Wavymess · 02/05/2021 20:26

Ok great
So do you think if I said we’re going to have an engagement party, it’s a nice frock sort of occasion, that eliminates most of the issues doesn’t it

Chances are some people would get us an engagement gift, typically smaller and less expensive than a wedding gift ime, so they wouldn’t feel empty handed or anything
They’d be dressed appropriately
And I think if they’re close to us they’ll be there

What do you think

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RachelRaven · 02/05/2021 20:33

An ex-colleague had an almost surprise wedding, but they gave their guests a week’s notice. So low pressure. No unwanted input. And everyone was able to prepare accordingly. It was church then a walk to the local pub for a reception serving bangers and mash. She said it was perfect and nobody was upset at not having any warning.

Original poster

Wavymess · 02/05/2021 20:50

@RachelRaven to be honest I hate being the centre of attention, I don’t have lots of friends, and we are trying to save up money
So I almost don’t want a wedding at all

But dh2b thinks I will regret it, and I know my family would be hurt, and I would like some nice photos of us.
I like the idea of having the aisle, but the more people there the more it makes me feel a bit sick!

Even the small one week notice weddings make me feel a bit panicky!

OP posts:

Original poster

Wavymess · 02/05/2021 20:57

And what I’ve never admitted
But please don’t judge me
Is that DH has a huge family and loads of close friends and I have a tiny family (really just my parents) and a handful of friends I’m not even thaaat close to, and I’m a bit scared of how that’s going to look on the day of the wedding was bigger

(Just so you don’t think I’m a bitch, whatever wedding we have DH will/can invite whoever he wants / as many guests as he wants, He’s just not actually that bothered)

OP posts:

RachelRaven · 03/05/2021 23:00

I’m a bit scared of how that’s going to look on the day of the wedding was bigger that’s easily sorted. Have the groomsmen sit people from the front on each side as they arrive so everyone is evenly spread.

bravotango · 04/05/2021 13:03

masquerading as an engagement party is a great idea! Go with that (and hire a photographer)

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