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Original poster

Am I a bad maid of honour?

24 replies

CravingTheSun · 05/04/2021 20:45

Hi all,

My friend is due to get married next year and asked me to be maid of honour.

She’s specially asked to go abroad for her hen party - most people are on a budget of about £200-£300 flights and accommodation. She wants a villa and she wants to go to Italy, south of France or Greece. I have had a look at villas here and we definitely aren’t going to get there with the budgets I have been given to work on.

I have also got massive concerns about the future of travel. Is it really going to the that easy for 15 of us to travel all together by then? The costs of tests, hotel quarantine, companies going bust are where my concerns are + I’m not sure everyone will be vaccinated. Does suggesting a U.K. hen make me a bad MOH? Her other close friend said she was too scared to say anything, and that she’ll be disappointed but with the budgets/unpredictability of traveling/booing anything in a pandemic, I don’t see how this will work? Other hens have already said they don’t feel comfortable booking anything.

Anyway, she has 4 other bridesmaids and has popped together a group chat last weekend asking when we are all free to go to hers for lunch and to meet properly. We don’t all know each other so of course it makes sense to do something nice to break the ice. We all put what dates we could/couldn’t do and it all got a bit muddled as everyone’s diaries are booked up after lockdown ends. She got really arsey with us saying how she didn’t realise that it would be this difficult blah blah. She said that of this is the way that the first lunch is going, then how are we going to arrange dress shopping, fittings etc.

That got me thinking - am I expected to go to everything? Every single dress fitting, even if it’s taken up by an inch? What she fails to remember if that I live 4 hours away, another bridesmaid lives 6 hours away. It costs me over £100 to get to her on the train (I don’t drive). So far, I have been given no choice but to attend x2 hen parties (one here, one abroad), dress fittings, lunches...god knows what else. To be honest, when I signed up to this I thought I would be organising a hen weekend in the U.K. + helping her find a dress. I didn’t realise it would be like this.

AIBU in thinking this is a lot of expectation? I work full time, normally 60+ hours a week - I do not want to be spending all my spare time on the train going to her hometown. I haven’t seen my family in a year and I would like to be with them more than her, hopefully have some staycations with my partner. By the way she’s worded it, she wants us to have our whole summer to revolve around her and drop everything when she needs us (especially me).

Everyone seems to be scared of her. I hate being MOH

OP posts:

Parkandride · 05/04/2021 20:50

She sounds hard work, is she normally like that?
You really don't have to be besties with other bridesmaids or go to her fittings. Agree an abroad hen sounds madness right now, and impossible on that budget for what she wants.
I lived hours from my bridemaids so dress shopped with a work friend, still married!

BasinHaircut · 05/04/2021 20:53

Before things get away from you I suggest laying it all out on the table and tell her that if that’s what she wants in a MOH then you will not be offended if she wants to choose someone else as you cannot commit to it all.

firedog · 05/04/2021 20:55

Walk away

Jobsharenightmare · 05/04/2021 20:56

I went to everything I was asked to go to but that was literally just two dress fittings and one wine tasting! There's nothing wrong with suggesting a UK hen if that would suit the majority better. It's then her choice what she ends up doing. It does seem she has high expectations of you, like one of those brides in an American comedy about 25 year olds.

buckeejit · 05/04/2021 20:58

I'd meet up with her & give her the facts gently as to your time & budget constraints. I bought my bridesmaid dresses mostly online & posted them to my maids in another country to get adjusted themselves but I was very laid back.

When is the wedding? You can't organise foreign travel easily atm & a localish spa hotel might be better anyway.

Say you're concerned you can't meet her expectations due to your time & money constraints & you want her to have the best time. Offer to bow out if she wants to pick someone closer to home. If it was my best friend, I'd throw in the word bridezilla.

Good luck!

Original poster

CravingTheSun · 05/04/2021 20:58

If I walk away from this, I lose the entire friendship. She wouldn’t forgive me

OP posts:

SaveWaterDrinkGin · 05/04/2021 20:59

She’s a bridezilla and this will escalate.

I’d walk now.

Whatisupwithme · 05/04/2021 20:59

That sounds horrendous. It doesn't have to be anything like that. She is massively unreasonable. Is she usually demanding?

SaveWaterDrinkGin · 05/04/2021 20:59

If I walk away from this, I lose the entire friendship. She wouldn’t forgive me

Do you really need that kind of friend?

memberofthewedding · 05/04/2021 21:00

It sounds like a lot of hard work for little gratitude. Can you not step down and let one of the other bridesmaids or the bride herself arrange some of these events?

I was only ever asked to be a bridesmaid once and I "made" it clash with a work commitment. It saved me a shedload of money.

Bishbashbosh101 · 05/04/2021 21:01

I don't think you can meet her expectations.

Do you have any health issue you can plead.

Original poster

CravingTheSun · 05/04/2021 21:04

I’m terrible with confrontation! So this sort it thing isn’t easy for me. I wish I was stronger but I fear I’ll get swept away with all this

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 05/04/2021 21:06

Walk away. This will only escalate.

expectopelargonium · 05/04/2021 21:07

Basically then, she wants you as an unpaid wedding planner, who has to organise everything hen / dresses / bridesmaid-related to her exacting requirements. She expects you to spend a huge amount of time and money pleasing her, and woe betide you if she isn't satisfied?

Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

Bring back the days when all the MoH did was tell everybody which pub, hold the bouquet during the vows and have a more grown-up dress than the other bridesmaids.

NRE20 · 05/04/2021 21:11

Sounds like a very tricky situation to handle, but one that is going to potentially be an issue, whether or not you address it with her, so I say it’s best to talk to her about it now.
Your best chance of the conversation going well, is to come to her with solutions to the problems, along the lines of, “with the budget the hens have available, we can go here, or here, do this and this. I know it doesn’t tick all the boxes, but it would mean you’d have a big do with lots of people, rather than numbers dropping because of the cost”,
And/or...
“I really want to be the best MOH for you, but I’m worried with the 4 hour travel gap that I won’t be able to make all of the meet ups. I’d love to come to help you try on dresses and find a bridesmaid dress. To make it easier, I could get the dress fitted where I live. Are there any specific events that you won’t me to be involved in? I could also get some of the bridesmaids to help with X, when I’m unable to be there, so you still get support from your besties)”.
That sort of thing. You can’t give up all your time, but you could show that you’re giving it lots of thought and very excited for her. At the end of the day, you’re her MOH, not her wedding planner. There’s a reason wedding planners get paid. There’s so much to do and no bride or groom should expect a friend to be at their beck and call 24/7! If things go that way, at least you’ll have done what you can to be a good friend and MOH. The other 50% needs to come from her.

sistersnottwins · 05/04/2021 21:13

I would tell her that you really want to be there for her and support her but because of distance any money it's not going to be possible to be there for everything. Ask what's most important for you to be there for.

The hen do is a separate issue really and I would address that in a group chat either in person or on WhatsApp.
Explain that you've explored the options, what the price per head is looking like and raise the potential issues around travel, testing etc I'd raise it as a group because then everyone else has the chance to chip in to the discussion and it's not all left to you.

I don't think you need to quit as MOH, just be clear about what you can do then leave it to her.

Teardrop2021 · 05/04/2021 21:15

What enjoyment are you going to get from this? Friendship shouldn't be this hard. When I got married in went shopping with my dm, they went to get measured for their dresses. Closer to the wedding we had a takeaway night and did some favours but not all of them came as it was a catch up more than anything else.x

firedog · 05/04/2021 21:33

I'd be saying that I love being her friend but that you just can't take on a second full time job as her wedding support organiser. She's lost the plot already. Too much. No fun for anyone

Tiffbiff · 05/04/2021 21:36

Exactly as other posters have said, no need to quit the role but put the onus back on her.

‘Really flattered you picked me, but wanted to let you know I won’t be offended if I was a bridesmaid or a guest, I live 4 hours away so obviously won’t won’t be able to make every appointment etc’

It’s then The brides decision. She can’t get angry as you told her straight, or she agrees and you don’t have that pressure win win

wishingitwasfriday · 05/04/2021 21:44

@CravingTheSun

If I walk away from this, I lose the entire friendship. She wouldn’t forgive me

If that's the case then it's not a friendship worth having.

LooseThreads · 05/04/2021 21:53

I agree, it's not worth having. Friends don't behave like she is doing. You aren't her butler.

You are doomed either way here. You might as well not bankrupt yourself.

BackforGood · 05/04/2021 21:54

If I walk away from this, I lose the entire friendship. She wouldn’t forgive me

So why would you want to keep this friendship ?

Friends are equal to each other. A friendship doesn't work if people are doing things because they are scared of the reaction of the other person.

I think you should phone her up and say that you got a bit carried away with being asked to be MoH and you hadn't really thought through the practicalities. Explain that with your work, family (?), the distance, etc you just don't feel you will be able to do the job justice and would rather step back now than fall out over potentially letting her down later. Say you hope she understands and, as she has 4 other bridesmaids, you know she won't be leaving you in the lurch so all will be well.
Don't negotiate or be persuaded, or fall into any kind of guilt tripping or emotional blackmail.

Whoopsmahoot · 05/04/2021 22:03

Def walk away, if it’s like this now it will only get worse. If she wants multiple hen events and gives no consideration for anyone else she’s too self centred. Not the kind of friend I’d want

Bonheurdupasse · 25/05/2021 11:39

How did you get on OP?

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