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Original poster

I don’t want family at our wedding

29 replies

Motherbride · 01/03/2021 16:53

Hey! So my partner and I recently got engaged, which is really exciting! We have 3 young children and I can’t wait for us to all share the same name and be a ‘proper’ family.

The only thing is, we can’t agree on HOW to get married. We both know we’re not bothered about the big fairytale English wedding and frankly we don’t want to spend that much on a wedding we feel like we’re doing for everyone but us! I’m not into being the centre of attention and I have social anxiety so it’s just not my thing. I would love to have just us 5, go away to the mountains in Canada or somewhere beautiful and get married just us, the registrar and a photographer. Then have a party when we get back with family and friends, like the evening part of a normal wedding.
However, my partner wants his mom there. Which I get, but then they would have to come on the trip with us and we would have to invite my parents and then our siblings and bla bla bla it gets bigger and bigger.

We can’t seem to come to an agreement about it, any ideas to help us out?

OP posts:

BalancedIndividual · 01/03/2021 16:59

Any good parent would want to be with their child on their wedding day (assuming they approve of the marriage)....and most people would want their parents there as well (assuming they have a normal / good relationship).

Why dont you have a normal church wedding and then just go on honeymoon to somewhere scenic.

Or have the wedding somewhere scenic, and let anyone who can make their own way to the destination attend.

Tbh, anyone who is willing to go out their way to travel to another country for someone's wedding is worth having there imo.

Original poster

Motherbride · 01/03/2021 17:05

@BalancedIndividual I totally get what you’re saying, and if we were going down the route of having a traditional wedding we would of course have everyone there.

Problem is I don’t want a church wedding or even a ceremony like that, the idea of walking down the isle and doing a ceremony in front of everyone terrifies me.

DP did suggest going away and leaving it an open invite, but our families are so different and have hardly spent any time together so I just know the whole trip would be awkward! I would much prefer to be in my comfort zone for such an important event, which means just being with DP and the kids 🙈

OP posts:

Ragwort · 01/03/2021 17:12

Strictly speaking you don't have to invite your side of the family just because your DP wants his DM there .... my family are very laid back and we had a very quiet wedding, my future MIL came to the register office, so did one of my sisters - they were the only two witnesses and my parents joined us for lunch afterwards. No other siblings or relatives/friends on either side were invited at all. No one fell out over it or made any comment.

I am a parent myself and would not be at all offended if I wasn't invited - but then I loathe big weddings and all the fuss and expense .

BalancedIndividual · 01/03/2021 17:15

[quote Motherbride]@BalancedIndividual I totally get what you’re saying, and if we were going down the route of having a traditional wedding we would of course have everyone there.

Problem is I don’t want a church wedding or even a ceremony like that, the idea of walking down the isle and doing a ceremony in front of everyone terrifies me.

But your DP idea of an open invite is a good compromise, most people probably wont attend and youll have also covered yourself, as no one can accuse you of not inviting them.

AtSwimTwoBerts · 01/03/2021 17:17

Any good parent would want to be with their child on their wedding day (assuming they approve of the marriage)

Any good parent would know the childs wedding is about the child, not the parent, and would want them to be happy with whatever choice they make.

Twizbe · 01/03/2021 17:18

The key with weddings is to invite in circles.

It's ok to limit it to your parents only. You'll need 2 witnesses anyway so you can include your parents that way.

Just because you invite parents doesn't mean you need to invite sibling as well

TaraRhu · 01/03/2021 17:28

Oh I don’t envy you!

I had a small wedding (40) and it was extraordinarily difficult. Everyone gets offended- even people you wouldn’t think would assume they were coming get offended. My mum had never forgiven me as we just cut it down to direct family (parents and siblings) and close friends. It was a nightmare. We never had the big party afterwards either. The whole thing was just too stressful.

I would suggest keeping the ceremony as small as possible. Maybe just parents and siblings. You could do that here then hey if as a five and do your own thing abroad. You will probably have to do a registry office thing anyway if you go abroad. But make sure you do the big party as this will give you freedom. My mistake was trying to do a normal wedding but keep it small, just didn’t work.

Original poster

Motherbride · 01/03/2021 17:28

Thanks for your inputs! I know we could technically only invite his side or just the parents, but if we invited his mom I know my mom would be gutted and offended if we didn’t invite her too.. her and my dad are separated, I wouldn’t invite their partners to an intimate ceremony so it would be so awkward!! Plus my dad and my partners dad are the complete opposite people. Love them both loads but they just wouldn’t get on well.

I just can’t find a way around it in my head, the only solution seems to be inviting more people which just turns it into a big wedding.

Really want to get this sorted though as we can’t plan anything until we know what we’re planning!

OP posts:

titchy · 01/03/2021 17:30

Could you just invite both your mothers as witnesses? Have a nice meal afterwards then a party in a pub or wherever in the evening?

PurBal · 01/03/2021 17:31

BIL and SIL found a small ceremony only venue. Just parents, siblings and wedding party. Then we had a meal afterwards.

Original poster

Motherbride · 01/03/2021 17:32

@TaraRhu oh that does sound stressful!! That’s what I mean, you have to either do the big wedding properly or not at all I think.

We both have big families, so just parents and siblings would be a lot of people! We have 10 siblings between us and 8 of them are either married or have a long term partner who we would also invite. There’s also our 16 nieces and nephews who we would then feel we had to invite if their parents were coming. By that point we may as well do the whole shindig!

This is why I suggested to him for it to be just us 5, there’s no confusion or offence caused then. Maybe we should do a registry office with family then go away just us, but it kind of feels like we’re just going on honeymoon then and not the actual wedding if you know what i mean!

OP posts:

DeusEx · 01/03/2021 17:32

You’re drip feeding a bit here OP!

Congrats on the engagement. I don’t think it’s unusual to have a smaller wedding if you already have kids. If it’s your family + DP’s mum + your mum, dad and their partners - that’s your family of five plus five others. Very small still!

The trip sounds like it won’t work if your DP is adamant about his mum. Honeymoon instead.

DeusEx · 01/03/2021 17:34

I really don’t think inviting parents also means inviting siblings if you have so many. And siblings invites definitely doesn’t mean nieces and nephews being invited.

That’s if you’re adamant it’s small. Fundamentally it’s your DP saying his mum has to come that’s put a spanner in the works though so that’s the conversation you have to have...

Original poster

Motherbride · 01/03/2021 17:37

@DeusEx sorry! I didn’t want my first post to be pages long with all the extra info!

Sounds like I’ll have to just give up on my dream of eloping and do the wedding thing.

If it was super small I wouldn’t want parents partners there, I don’t know them very well and don’t think of them as family. Couldn’t have them there and not the siblings for example.

Why are these things so complicated!

OP posts:

DavidsSchitt · 01/03/2021 17:39

"I just can’t find a way around it in my head"

There isn't one if he's adamant.

However, is he only adamant because he thinks she'll be upset? He might be very wrong there. She's got a huge family already and probably loads going on all of the time. Maybe she'd be happy to sit this one out?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/03/2021 17:40

Why dont you have a normal church wedding

PurBal · 01/03/2021 17:41

I was just giving an example of a way to have clear cut offs. Just parents means the 5 of you plus max 4 more. That's 9. You don't have to invite partners. You don't have to invite siblings. But your DP would like his mum, and you need to reconcile a way to make that happen for him. FWIW SIL wanted to elope but BIL said it was important for his immediate family to be there. SIL ended up having more people on "her side" by nature of the fact FIL is deceased and she has more siblings.

MixedUpFiles · 01/03/2021 17:43

Why not have a legal registry office wedding with your parents and then go have the spiritual wedding of your dreams abroad.

DH and I separated our legal wedding from what we consider our real wedding. It was for practical purposes. We celebrate the day we had a ceremony with family and friends even though it wasn’t legally binding because that is the day that is personally meaningful for us.

DeusEx · 01/03/2021 17:44

@DavidsSchitt

"I just can’t find a way around it in my head"

There isn't one if he's adamant.

Really good points here!

DeusEx · 01/03/2021 17:46

And yes sadly, no matter what the size, wedding guest lists are so, so weirdly stressful, as PPs have said! We had over 100 and due to vast families it was still really hard to ‘whittle down’ (!). A friend is having a wedding of likely 300+ (Indian wedding) and still the guest list is a stress!

FelicityPike · 01/03/2021 17:55

I don’t blame him for wanting his mum at his wedding.
I would do the 5 of you and the 4 biological parents. Who gives a monkeys if your dad is different to his dad.....he can act properly for a few hours for the ceremony and a meal!

murbblurb · 01/03/2021 18:00

If you don't like attention and have social anxiety then do the minimum, two of you down the registry office plus witnesses. Too many on here hated their wedding.

BalancedIndividual · 01/03/2021 18:03

@AtSwimTwoBerts

Any good parent would want to be with their child on their wedding day (assuming they approve of the marriage)

Any good parent would know the childs wedding is about the child, not the parent, and would want them to be happy with whatever choice they make.

Haha, as long as it means I dont have to pay anything towards my daughters wedding then she can arrange it however she likes!

Cavagirl · 01/03/2021 18:04

Small wedding does not equal elopement.

Your partner ultimately wants a small wedding, whereas it sounds like you want to elope. This is the square you need to circle. So either he changes his mind, or you do.

If you land on a small wedding there are ways and means to minimise it - in your shoes I'd stick to parents only, in your home country, and big party later if you want that, with a nice honeymoon.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2021 18:11

I'd just invite parents. Tell other family of you're close but tell them you're limiting it there. Your parents are grown adults, they can just sit politely and not talk of needs be.

It seems unusual to me that you have kids but you've kept all the grandparents away from each other and don't trust them to be able to make small talk even if it's just about the kids

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