How to cut the guest list down?

[StrongInside]

Hi, we have postponed our wedding to next June. Our current restrictions in Scotland mean no wedding receptions. The previous tier was 20 people max including the couple, registrar, suppliers and children.

First of all, a side note- why are young children not being counted in the ‘rule of six’ gatherings or in the ‘Christmas bubble’ and are considered safe to mix in playgroups throughout the pandemic, but are counted towards the total wedding guests?? It’s not exactly my choice to replace valuable guest spaces with a six-month-old and a newborn, instead of people I actually want there to chat and dance with, but I can’t exactly ask those two friends to leave their babies at home.

My main question is, where are you all drawing the line when cutting out guests? After I have counted essential people: us, registrar, photographer, entertainer (who’ve all been paid for) and our closest family which includes 3 kids, we are left with 6 spaces! Great if the list goes up to 30, but even then we’ll still need to make the cuts.

My only thought is to only invite 6 friends, without their partners and multiple children. Rude? Maybe, but the alternative is to invite 1-2 friends with their brood (we aren’t close with their partners) and uninvite a whole load of people we are actually close with🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't think it's rude. People have to understand the difficult circumstances. However, if I was invited to a wedding without my children and husband I probably wouldn't go. But then, that might be a good thing as your guest list will be cut down further.

We had to cut our guest list in the Summer. Thankfully ours ended up not being so bad, but we talked to everyone and all our friends were happy to come just them, and very understanding - even the awkward ones. Everyone understood. I'd do the 6 friends if you aren't also close to partners.

I think that although I might want my partner there in normal times and childcare would be an issue if it were from noon to midnight, a small service possibly with a short gathering or not after it would be different and I think people understand that.

COVID rules make the normal “rules” go out the window in my opinion. I think it’s perfectly fine to not invite spouses and children in these circumstances and people may be disappointed but they’ll understand if they’re good friends.

I do think you’re slightly batshit for using up one of your precious spaces for an Entertainer though...

Under normal circumstances it would be rude not to invite husbands and children. Covid throws all of that out of the window, and I think it's perfectly reasonable to only invite very good friends.

I would completely understand if only one of us was invited and not the partner and kids. I'd honestly expect it next year!

We had a small (24 people) in a very upmarket hotel/restaurant - think 3 star Michelin many many years ago. You would be surprised how many people didnt make a fuss about coming without their partner. It was child free and we cut out whole families and just invited one person within a family. People are still speaking to us.

I really dont understand people who NEED to go everywhere with their partner and various children. Especially in these terrible times.

I think talking to people would be the best way forward - some people with a newborn would have a family member/friend who could stay in a hotel room and look after the baby for your guest to bf as necessary. Some people don't. But unless you say to people 'we'd love everyone there, but with only 20 slots to use, we are having to make some really, really, hard decisions and we were wondering if as my oldest friend/ cousin/whatever you'd be OK to leave your DH and kids at home so we could have my godmother there' you won't know

You are gambling on doing things The Way Things Have Always Been Done. It must be entirely possible you will lose.

Breaking news : Technology has advanced, to a point where a virtual wedding is clearly the sensible way to make sure everyone who wants to see you can see you, and can even view again, later. Save money, save the planet, save yourself anxiety, and let everyone come to your wedding by putting it on-line.

As a bonus, on-line ceremonies allow people who were excluded to be included equally. Those who are far away, or sick, or caring for someone, or are disabled, can all attend your wedding.

P.S All best wishes for the day.

I had a small wedding pre-Covid - I wanted a small wedding but it still involved some harsh decisions!

No aunts, uncles, cousins. Unless they actually brought you up.

No girlfriends/boyfriends unless they've moved in together.

No 'MIL really wants to invite her friend Susan that I met once when I was 8 and she says she'll pay for her spot'

No work colleagues - when you get a new job you will forget them.

Friends - yes, their partners and children that you haven't met? No.

This got us down to 25 and with Covid I think we could have culled a few more. We didn't have a reception, just a meal after and people actually thanked us for this as they said they were pleased to able to get home at a sensible time and not have to do 'forced fun' with people they didn't know that well. Which surprised us - we didn't do it because we hate dancing But I'd think about seeing your wedding differently, you and your guests might like it.

Also - use Zoom.

Thanks for your perspectives. My next question is, when do I uninvite people? Things change so much month-to-month. We could uninvite but then rules could allow us to have more guests a month later.

Also, I worry that people might not attend last minute due to childcare issues, or the pregnant friend could give birth early. Precious spaces will end up empty but it will be too late to re-invite someone. People could feel uncomfortable with saying they won’t attend without their partner, so how will I know they will actually be there?

Just be honest and communicate with people: “we’d absolutely love for you to come to our wedding, but as you know 2020 has been a shitshow and 2021 is shaping up to be pretty similar. Please forgive us if the planning of this seems all over the place - we’re trying to keep up with the changing rules as much as we can but we’d love it if you could bear with us if things change last minute!”

Or, jack the whole thing off, and elope (or have just parents there) and celebrate with more people when things are better.

@Dyrne Sounds good, now I just need to figure out when to start the cull.

@TheSpottedZebra I’d really love to have a reception with our friends rather than just sit down in a restaurant with our parents after the ceremony. They aren’t the liveliest or most extraverted, so there may be a few (awkward for me) silences.

I think my partner will be against cutting out partners and kids because he is all about doing what’s polite. I’m thinking, ‘Screw polite, if we keep postponing till everyone can make it, they might not be a venue or suppliers to come back to!’.

Oh, what’s everyone doing if masks are mandatory? That would put me off. I mean, if it’s deemed too risky to socialise mask-less, then it’s unsafe to run the events, surely. Who on earth wants photos with their guests whose faces are mostly covered up? Or to keep taking it off, putting it back on. Then everyone is safe while they eat, drink and toast mask-free while the virus supposedly waits under the table politely.

My partner was also against not having various people - but we had a budget and venue that only held x people.

So he could do whatever he liked but eventually he had to cave.

Yours has Covid to deal with which is even less likely to budge.

Ultimately I found wedding planning a good way to fall out with a lot of people in a short amount of time - everyone has an opinion, none of it is the same as yours, none of them are actually getting married or paying for it. So no MIL, your friend you've never mentioned before can't come, DM thanks for saying what my dress should be like but it's not the 70s, DH you can't have 32 relatives come when I have 1 and so on and so forth.

Rip the plaster off, do it as soon as possible and go for it.

@AnnaMagnani Not just my MIL then No, for the 4th time, your friends can’t come. You are disappointed? Erm, how can I put this politely..

You are right, discussions need to happen soon. I’m hoping that none of the invited guests will catch catch the stupid virus at the 11th hour, or break a leg or something, every space counts people! Wouldn’t matter so much in a room of 40+, but in a group of 16 guests it would be sad.

I wouldn't want my partner and kids to take up spaces in a friends tiny wedding count due to Covid. I'd rather come alone so they can have their people there

It's strange nobody can cope with the idea of virtual weddings, with all the advantages. Some people have bigger better cheaper and completely safe weddings by using either their own brains or those of a new breed of virtual wedding arranger. (The ones who don't still write with quill pens perhaps? Or the ones who give a damn about the Climate Emergency?)

My DSis has a wedding booked for early part of next year. She only wants a small wedding so is loving this. She has invited people she wants there and not invited people out of politeness.

She is having 17 people attend the wedding and an informal meal at the venue. She is happy not to be expected to have a proper reception as it's her idea of hell.

If your limited on numbers you have to invite who you would want to share your day with - not someone's DH and children who will take up valuable spaces.

Thanks everyone, puts my mind at ease that it’s not such a strange idea to invite our actual friends.
On the fence about whether to invite my pregnant friend. What if she gives birth just before the wedding and too unwell or too attached to her newborn to go, or if she is just too heavy and uncomfortable to attend? A valuable space will be wasted.

@20mum I don’t get the concept of a virtual wedding at all. What do the bride and groom do, just close their eyes and pretend their loved ones are there instead of standing in an empty room? Everything is paid for- the function suite with a view, the decorations, the food, drinks, entertainment. Are we supposed to just be in the room by ourselves and the guests are meant to pretend to eat the food we show them on camera? Or did I completely miss your point?

Plus, I think couples actually want to have real people sitting around the table with them and standing in the photos, not a camera/computer screen