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Original poster

My family are making our wedding about them?

15 replies

Debbierocket123 · 26/01/2020 23:49

I don’t want to sound ungrateful or selfish but since my fiancé and I got engaged, my family have been giving me their demands about our wedding. From the food they want, the venue, where they are sitting and whom I should and shouldn’t invite. It’s a stark contrast from my fiancé’s family are who are just happy we are getting married at all. We agree on nearly everything and can’t wait for our special day. But I want to avoid any conflict with my family and want to enjoy the wedding WE choose. As much as I’m happy to have input and advice, it isn’t nice being told what I can and can’t do. Any advice would be appreciated x

OP posts:

MaitlandGirl · 26/01/2020 23:59

My MIL was like that when we booked our wedding. She ended up trying to turn it into a huge family party that we just happened to be getting married at.

We solved it by cancelling everything then eloping and telling her after it had happened. She’s still sulking about it (but this is her personality) nearly 17mths later but that’s her problem not ours.

It’s probably a very extreme solution to your problem but it worked for us.

lalafafa · 27/01/2020 00:00

Are you paying for the whole wedding? If so take their comments on board but tell them your decision is final. We paid for our wedding and when my parents started adding people we told them they could invite 10 people, they prioritised then. DH parents had 10 each too. Venue only held 80 for the day ceremony, another 100 were invited to the evening.

KellyHall · 27/01/2020 00:06

My first wedding was like that. You can either do what they ask or fall out with them - in my experience people get so emotional about weddings, you can't just have a civilised conversation about anything!

My second wedding was beautiful, everything just as we wanted it. We eloped. We did invite people but only after we'd chosen everything so people were invited strictly as guests only.

Original poster

Debbierocket123 · 27/01/2020 00:08

Yes we’re paying for it all. It’s not just one person I can’t invite it’s my mum, dad, step mum and her two kids. So my closet family members. My dad and step mum also recently fell out with me because I didn’t talk to them enough at a cousins wedding. I don’t want to offend anyone but I also don’t want to compromise on certain things either. For example my dad and step mum don’t want to be in the same room as my mum... what the hell am I supposed to do? Lol

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 27/01/2020 00:09

My late MIL thought she was going to organise our wedding. She was most put out when DH told her that we would be organising it.

We paid for our wedding, we made the decisions and made all the arrangements. Best thing we was not accepting offers to contribute to the costs.

One of my siblings decided to avoid all the aggravation and announced the wedding after the honeymoon.

Stand your ground, just smile and nod without committing and change the subject. If they push then tell them that you have everything under control, thanks for the input etc.

Singlenotsingle · 27/01/2020 00:13

You go ahead and organise everything the way you want it. If your dad and stepmum don't want to be in the same room as your mum, they'll have to decide whether they want to come or not!

Weenurse · 27/01/2020 00:14

I like the idea of eloping, the parents aren’t in the same room😎

lalafafa · 27/01/2020 00:15

That’s really unfair of your dad and sm. I would throw it back to them and ask them what they expect you to do about that. I Think you have to be straight with them.

ToBeASnitchOrNot · 27/01/2020 00:21

Elope. Abroad.
Invite nobody

We decided to do this, but was the guilt tripped by in laws. So we caved and agreed to wedding here to please them.... and then came the months of demands and basically having a wedding day to suit everyone else, yet still copped a load of aggro and wish we'd just stick to our original plan.

I spent the day crippled with the WORST stess-induced IBS attack, and anxiety, of my life.

Your wedding day is about YOU and FIANCE. Do exactly what you want.

You'll see a lot of whingey wedding threads on here from invitees who think someone else's wedding day should be tailored around them, with posters agreeing what an awful inconsiderate selfish 'bridezilla' the bride is.

It's the one day that's meant to be just about you and your partner. Don't regret making it, impossibly, about a hundred others like we did

Jessie9323 · 27/01/2020 00:21

I would send out a blanket message saying that it is your wedding and you feel that as they should support you and love you, you feel that if they can't get on for the sake of your wedding that they shouldn't come, this is the only time you will say it and you expect an answer.

I made it very clear from the start with my wedding that as I was paying my husband and I would decide the menu, venue and seating plan

Greenwingmemories · 27/01/2020 00:24

I think you need to be a lot more boundaried. This is your wedding, not theirs. They've had the chance for their wedding. We just told everyone what we were doing and didn't invite discussion. Each of our parents' side were allowed to invite four people each they wanted to invite (so eight in all) on top of any family and family friends my husband and I were already inviting.

My mother tried to say she wasn't having my uncle there as they'd fallen out. I just said that I was inviting him and it was my wedding.

Tbh if anyone had tried to make a fuss they could have just not come. I felt that strongly about it. It all went well and everyone had a good time.

Even if you do pander to others, there's always someone who still isn't happy, so you might as well please yourselves.

Actually these days, I'm always really grateful to be invited at all to a wedding, and I wouldn't dream of trying to make it about me.

Whoops75 · 27/01/2020 00:26

Refuse to discuss it with them
Tell them you will send out invitations and they can RSVP

babyface83 · 27/01/2020 00:57

Your dad and SM have no right to tell you your own mother can't be there. I would not let anyone dictate to you, it's yours and your fiancé's day.

My husband and I invited just our parents and siblings to our wedding which we had in Jamaica. It's was amazing and would definitely recommend!

SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2020 01:05

For example my dad and step mum don’t want to be in the same room as my mum... what the hell am I supposed to do? Lol
Nothing. You just invite them all and trust them to act like grown ups. If thry mention it tell tem "you're all family, you're all invited, I know you love me enough to handle sensibly"

Preferences, suggestions etc just say "well take it under advisement" and change the subjexy

Angbunnyboo · 27/01/2020 13:54

My mum is being a bit like this, keeps referring the what WE need to do and what we should be doing at OUR wedding. I had to say to her nicely but bluntly that she was not WE or OUR, it is me and my OH who are paying and making the decisions and we will do what we want.

She is well meaning and just excited for us but you do need to set the boundaries so that you have the day you and OH want to have.

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