Stressed out about all the hen do drama, advice?

[30ishflirtyandthriving]

I get married early next year and originally one of my bridesmaids, a good friend, was planning it.
I then had someone who said they couldn’t come without me knowing the reason, bridesmaid just said she had said no. It turned out that she had said from the start that she really wanted to come but could do a certain date, for my friend to choose that date (which turned out to be Mother’s Day so it wasn’t good for me either) but the girl was then dumped from the Facebook group by my friend planning it for not being able to make that date, even though that ended up not being the date we were going to have it anyway. I hope you can follow this!
I had other friends saying she was planning things they didn’t think I would like due to my anxiety, others saying they couldn’t afford the plans but were too scared to speak up.. I was getting it from all angles.
The said friend planning is a very direct person with no a lot of tact and can rub people up the wrong way.
So I said I would take over to avoid upsetting anyone. Maybe that was my mistake.
I then had the exact plan what I wanted (just a night in a log cabin) so I said I would like the bridesmaids to take over again just so I still have a bit of a surprise as to the location they chose.
My friend then laid into me saying she wasn’t wanting to plan it and she didn’t understand why I took it away from her to give it back. I said that I was getting it from all angles and people were getting upset but now I’ve settled the dust I would still like it to have some element of surprise.
She might as well have told me to fuck off, I don’t know if she’s spoken to my cousin who’s also a bridesmaid but she’s being off with me also and then posted a quote on Instagram about not caring who likes her and who doesn’t. My cousin liked it and posted a thumbs up in the comments.
I’m tempted to not even have a hen, or just tell her not to bother at all and just have my sister and remaining friend as bridesmaid. I’ve just tried to please everyone but it’s backfired.
Opinions welcome good or bad!

It was meant to say she wanted to come but couldn’t do a certain date, not could! Sorry.

Just organise it yourself. Load of drama over nothing.

And people who post passive aggressive posts are generally a bit thick.

@Anoisagusaris Thank you. I just thought it would be nice to be surprised as to where exactly we went even though I knew what kind of hen do it would be. I was obviously very wrong to think they wouldn’t mind me giving a bit of the organisation back to them and she has took offence to it when then was none to be taken, it was just me trying to please everyone. I didn’t think there was a need for the passive aggressive post when I had reiterated to her it wasn’t anything personal I just didn’t want people being upset or not coming just cos they felt they couldn’t speak up. I’m so stressed by it my stomach is in knots.

Just don’t have a hen do and go for a night out. People are then in charge of their own budgets, if they can come etc. Trust me it’s not worth the hassle!

@Newbie Thank you. My sister actually just had a meal and a few drinks in the local and it was good fun. I think I’m just upset that she can’t put her personal feelings aside to try and support me a bit when she is meant to be a good friend. Do you think I have been in the wrong ie taking control of the planning a bit myself to then give it back?

Big deep breath.
You are never going to please everyone so, please yourself. But, this 'element of surprise' idea... just abandon this.
Plan something, invite your nearest and dearest and hope the majority can make it.
Otherwise, a nice meal out in your town or city
Stop putting pressure on yourself. Simple is best. You don't have to keep up with the Jones!

@MrHaroldFry Thank you. You’re so right. Definitely need to take a deep breath and calm down! I think the element of surprise idea is asking too much, from that person at least. I’m having 4 bridesmaids and one of them has said she is happy to plan it with my mum and only speak to me if she needs my opinion so that’s kind of her. I might just say I’m happy for her to plan it with me though and not to worry about keeping it from me.
I just didn’t want anyone upset and to make it affordable and work around everyone date wise which I knew the girl originally planning it didn’t ‘care’ enough to do. She’s a very this is what’s happening like it or not person and I would have ended up with no one there!
Do you think I’ve been in the wrong?
Funnily enough, when we marry we will be the Jones’ as that’s H2B’s surname!

OP. There is an old saying "you can't do right, for doing wrong".
If you feel you inadvertently upset the original Hen Party planner, apologise and move forward. Be prepared that she may not accept your apology but I would at least try to mend fences.
Wedding planning is stressful enough, Hen Party is supposed to be fun and stress less not a stress-fest! Just do what is right for you. But, I would caution about having yet another planner involved, no matter how well intentioned. This could cause huge upset with original planner.
DIY. Keep it simple. Don't expect everyone to be available.

I don’t think you are no. These things can easily spiral and I think by you taking charge you just did the best to avoid any hassle. Good luck with you big day, ultimately that’s all that matters. Perhaps I’m a misery guys but I didn’t have a hen do for precisely the reasons you have mentioned, I’ve organised too many and I didn’t want to inflict that responsibility on anyone as there is always one or two awkward friends who ruin it.

I think at the point you took back control of the planning you should have just stuck with it.

I understand why you put a stop to the carry on about dates, prices etc, and said enough is enough. But to worry about having a surprise seems a bit silly to me - if you're hanging out in a log cabin with friends it really doesn't matter where you are does it?

Realistically is this even viable now? If you're getting married early next year there aren't that many weekends left, people will be busy in December / skint in January... Perhaps a local night out would be easier and just as fun.

Urgh this is why hen parties are like icebergs; even if the “tip” is having a good time; the other 90% under the water is formed of irritation, annoyance, and one of your friends thinking another is a dick.

Meanwhile you’re “blissfully unaware” until the shit hits the fan.

Nights out are best, lovely meal and then those who want to throw some shapes at the Roxy afterwards can stay on and do so.

As a PP said, mend fences but just forge on with a simpler and more fun plan.

@MrHaroldFry maybe that was my mistake as I just posted on the group that I was handing back control to the original planned but also said my mum and other bridesmaid would be too. Maybe that’s why she took offence. I thought if she is the friend she claims to be she would have put her personal feelings aside for this one thing but clearly it upset her more than I thought it would, which to be honest I didn’t think would at all.
I’ve found somewhere local to stay while I’ve been browsing at this ungodly hour at a reasonable price of £60 each for 2 nights so I’ll ask around in the morning if people would be happy with that.
@Countrylifeornot I think you’re right and it probably was a bit silly to say that I still wanted a surprise. I think I got carried away seeing all these hen do’s people have where they were surprised and thought why am I missing out on it. But you’re right, it’s silly! I really like this place I’ve found and if I can’t please everyone I’ll just go with my mum early next year is a bit of a exaggeration, it’s May so spring time, and looking at March for hen do. I think £60 by March isn’t much to ask of people personally.
Weddings really show peoples true colours don’t they!

I planned my hen dos. It was easier.

Do you think it’s my own fault for taking the planning into my own hands from her then saying I would like her to help plan it again?

Your friend has a point. She was organising it, you weren't happy with that, told her you were organising it yourself and then told her to organise it but only the way you wanted. A load of drama over nothing. I'm not surprised if she told you to fuck off.

A load of drama over nothing. I'm not surprised if she told you to fuck off

Bit uncalled for. Sounds like she was only trying to keep everyone happy and it just backfired on her.

And this is why my hen do was just a few drinks and pizza at home! Really ain't worth all this jip!